"Don't touch my boobs," are the words that begin the first episode of Real Rob, and it sets the tone for the whole show.
About four minutes into the episode, Rob starts narrating the show from a chair in front of a backdrop that looks like he's on a Bravo reality program. Real Rob also features stand-up scenes filmed in front of a brick wall because -- well, why not? "My wife's Mexican,” he explains in one of these awkward interstitials. “She's not like jump-out-at-you Mexican. I'm not saying Mexicans jump out of you." This is what passes for cutting social satire in the Real Rob universe.
The actual plot of the pilot is about Rob firing his lazy assistant Jamie (comedian and co-writer Jamie Lissow) and replacing him with a stalker (Johnny Jenkinson) who, because of his extensive research on Rob's life, knows the ins and outs of Schneider's daily routine. As sitcom plots go, it’s a relatively clever premise executed with all the boorish anti-charm of a Big Dogs t-shirt.
Why am I watching this? Who is this for? To investigate, I skimmed some of the customer reviews on Netflix and found one that reads, “Rob I love your show. Rob we all love you. Sincerely Michigan!!!!” Mystery solved: Michigan loves Rob Schneider.
Rob meets his daughter’s new nanny, a dancer his wife recruited for her all-male burlesque business -- the less said about this casually homophobic plotline the better. Besides, he has other threats to his genitals to worry about: his wife wants him to get a vasectomy. Rob does not like this. "These are my balls we're talking about here!" he says. As has been established, Rob is very protective of his balls. Later in the episode he says, "I like to ejaculate."
Instead of getting a vasectomy, he sends his assistant to get one to see if it will cause dementia, giving Lissow plenty of chances to say "my balls," too. This was around when my grip on what was real began to loosen. As science-fiction author Philip K. Dick once wrote, “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.” Perhaps he was thinking of Real Rob when he wrote that.
The second and third episodes of Real Rob are called “The Penis Episode Part 1” and “The Penis Episode Part 2.” True to their titles, these episodes also concern Rob’s penis. While arguing with his wife about the age of his sperm, Rob's curly-headed bro agent calls for an offer for a Prostate Pro commercial, which Rob turns down because he doesn’t want to be associated with the product. But we soon find out Rob is doing erectile dysfunction ads in Taiwan. Oh, Rob. You scamp!
If the last episode was all about people saying "my balls," this one is all about characters shouting "my dick!" like the time Rob screams "Suck my dick" at his agent. I understand his anger because I have begun to lose the feeling in my legs.