Every weekend, certain populations of well-to-do urbanites flock to the local farmers market to stock up on the finest sustainable produce and artisanal goods. Oh, and also to judge each other. Constantly. What you thought was a simple effort to score some fresh tomatoes is actually a referendum on your merits as a human (or lack thereof), but no one would dare be so crass as to actually say what they think of your uncouth behavior. But we will!
You failed to remember canvas bags
Why don’t you just suffocate a baby dolphin and spit in Mother Earth’s face while you’re at it. Showing up pantsless would have been a less-glaring faux pas.
You remembered canvas bags, but they’re insufficiently hip
An insurance company? You couldn’t find anything from an independent bookstore? Or on Etsy? Wait, you’ve never heard of Etsy?! DON’T TELL ANYONE!
If only you had cooler canvas bags.
You’re a couple with no children
Maybe he’s sterile? Or maybe they’re both just selfish monsters who think procreating would interfere with their leisurely afternoons of pickling rhubarb and making bone broth?
You’re a couple with a dog
So he’s sterile AND they’d rather pay thousands for a French bulldog than get a shelter dog like someone with a shred of actual decency.
You’re a couple with unruly children
And they just knocked over a table of organic raspberries while fighting over an iPhone, even though they both have one, because, you know, kindergarten graduation presents and all.
Your children are creepily well-behaved
Did that 3-year-old kid just say “Pardon me, ma’am, may I pass through?” That family must have dark secrets. Dark. Secrets.
You’ve been staring at the creepily well-behaved childrens’ yoga pants-wearing mom
You WOULD be staring at the mom with the unruly children, but she’s off trying to corral her kids as one tries to brain the other with a butternut squash.
You drove here
At least have the good sense to park a few blocks away so no one knows. Maybe carry a bike helmet just to be sure?
You’re clearly there for sweets and have no interest in produce
Yeah most “farmers markets” have plenty of stuff that didn’t exactly come fresh from the farm. Don’t think they didn’t just see you make a beeline for the chocolate croissants and then start eating it immediately while getting in line for salted caramel truffles.
You’re saying “endive”
Amazingly, no matter how you say this word, you’ll be judged. You can’t win.
You cut in line
In your defense, it’s often kind of hard to tell where the line is and no one seemed to be saying anything so you just went for it but... doesn’t matter. You’re that guy now.
You’re sampling excessively
How many times can one surreptitiously happen upon a toothpick-skewered cube of aged sheep’s milk Gouda at the same stand before people start to notice? It’s definitely less than five. They’ve noticed.
Your produce inspecting is veering towards suggestive
It can’t possibly be that difficult to evaluate a zucchini.
You can’t tell your chard from your kale
Wait you meant those?! Those are mustard greens. What planet are you from?
You know TOO much about the subtle differences between chard and kale
Stop trying to impress the farmer with your use of latin. Some people just want to buy stuff for salad.
You just asked for asparagus out of season
Why don’t you ask for a time machine to two weeks ago? Because neither one is happening.
You commented on the prices in any way, shape, or form
Look, we’ve all accepted that we’re cool with paying $17 for a Dixie cup’s worth of hen-of-the-woods mushrooms, okay? Don’t upset the ecosystem.
You need to pay with a credit card
“Sorry I thought I had cash,” you say, sheepishly. YOU KNEW DAMN WELL YOU HAD NO CASH AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS IT TOO.
You’re noticeably tipsy from brunch
Why don’t you skip this healthy charade, go pass out on your couch during an Antiques Roadshow marathon, and order Seamless later like everyone knows you’re going to?
You’re noticeably flatulent from brunch
They know it was you. They all know.
Matt Lynch becomes consumed with guilt and paranoia whenever he forgets his canvas bags. Remind him @MLynchChi.