"There’s a new era underway and I can tell because it’s been years since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood," he said. "By the way, a special hello to hosts of other upcoming award shows who are watching me tonight like the first dog they shot into outer space." He assured the room of A-listers this was in no way handing the hosting duties to an empowered man.
"I am a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood. I'm not even in the most powerful Seth in the room tonight." Cut to Seth Rogen, who as Meyers reminded us, was the first major American to royally piss off North Korean leader Kim Jong-un (before our President).
From there, Meyers turned his attention to both the cocktail-sipping actors surrounded by their #TimesUp-supporting female colleagues and the men who couldn't behave well enough to attend.
"For the men in the room it'll be the first time in months it won't be terrifying to hear your name read out loud," he said. But first, the names of men who should be terrified of the women looking for justice. "Harvey Weinstein isn't in the room… but he'll be back in 20 years, when he's the first person ever booed during the In Memoriam."
The comedian quickly turned his attention to Kevin Spacey, accused by multiple men of sexual misconduct. "I was happy to hear they're going to do another season of House of Cards. Is Christopher Plummer available for that too?" Meyers couldn't help but take the complete shot a second later: “I hope [Plummer] can do a Southern accent, because Kevin Spacey sure couldn’t,” he said.
Meyers had a sexual predator joke for seemingly every nominee under the sparkling chandeliers. The Shape of Water? "When I heard it was about aisgusting sea creature falls in love with a naive young woman, I thought, Oh no, not another Woody Allen movie."
HBO's The Deuce? "[It's] about a time when New York was so seedy, there were two James Francos."
Realizing that no amount of hammer-pounding could scrub the fact that he was indeed a white guy telling a crowd of empowered women how to feel about the situation, Meyers threw back to this late-night show for safety, for a bit where he comes up with the punchline, and people in the audience delivered the punchlines. They were priceless.
Meyers: The Golden Globes turned 75th this month...
Jessica Chastain (Molly's Game): but the actress who plays its wife is still only 32.
Meyers: Call Me By Your Name is a gay coming of age film...
Billy Eichner (Difficult People): Said Kevin Spacey, you lost me at "of age."
Meyers: Insecure creator Issa Rae has three projects in development with HBO...
Issa Rae (Insecure): three projects is also where they think I'm from
Meyers: 5% of speaking roles in Hollywood go to Asian actors
Hong Chau (Downsizing): Those numbers might be off since a white person did the math
The opening ended with an actual segue to celebration: Amy Poehler, inebriated and giggling up a storm, delivered one joke that didn't involve Seth Meyers's mansplaining.
""Said the peach in 'Call Me by Your Name,' 'This scene is the pits!'"
Thank god for women. And maybe Seth Meyers, too.