The group date: JoJo makes the guys tell sex stories
When we get to the group date that almost definitely makes it seem like they're going be forced to perform bad stand-up, a girl is apparently having an orgasm, but it just sounds like she's got a Jolly Rancher lodged in her throat and can't get it out. Also, there is a giant Coscto barrel of cheese balls behind her, so maybe it was those.
Turns out the guys have to "divulge their deepest, darkest sexual stories" for a live audience, which makes Chad not like this group date.
Chad, on sex stories/the passage of time:
"I don't haaave any story. I don't want to to tell a story. I don't care about her sexual past. I don't want to talk about hers or mine. That's in the past."
Chad is only about sexual futures. And since Chad told him to shut up earlier, Evan is all about taking shots at Chad with his sex story. Is this a terrible idea? Of course. But Alex the Tiny Marine encourages Evan, telling him that saying mean, sex-related things about a man who shot Deca-Durabolin into his butt just hours ago is a great idea. Evan of course listens, despite the very real possibility that Chad will stomp him like a cheese ball when he hears all this. Now, I don't want to talk badly about a Marine who's served our nation, but Alex seems like maybe not the best guy to go into battle with. I'm pretty sure he would just be like, "Hey, see that land mine over there? You should step on it because I don't like land mines. You got this, man!!!"
The stories are all over the place. Fireman Grant claims that the first time he had sex was in two zipped-together sleeping bags in a public park, and the cops showed up and pulled him out of the sleeping bags totally naked except for a condom (way to be responsible!) and cuffed him. But hey, he still had sex! So that definitely happened. Aaron Rodgers' Brother talks about fluffing himself. Vinny takes his clothes off. Daniel tells us he cuts off his conquests' hair with a knife. Nick performs cunnilingus on the air while reciting the alphabet. The sad part is, all of this is better and funnier than the stories the "pros" were telling.
Time for Evan to take the sex stage. He comes right out and says he's an erectile dysfunction specialist, and so he knows a lot about what happens when you use steroids: you get "rope-like muscles," but you also become irritable and say things like, "The girl I'm trying to date is nagging me." Presumably at some point he talked about the tiny genitalia part, but they don't show it. But let's just assume he did, for fun. Chad just stares at Evan like he's a pound of freshly cut Boar's Head Honey Turkey.
It all gets good when Evan goes back to his seat, which just happens to be next to Chad's. At first it seems like Chad is trying to give him a handshake as he comes past just to be a dick, but when you Zapruder the incident, it definitely appears that Chad is actually telling Evan to wait to enter until Chad exits the row. Emboldened by his tales, and forgetting that Chad is Chad, Evan plows ahead, bumping Chad with his shoulder, then seemingly gives Chad a bunch of pushes in the back as he goes by. Chad responds by pulling Evan's shirt and ripping it. Alex seems to still not care about Evan's life.
But before the fallout really begins, when he hits the stage, Chad pulls another "I'm so Chad that I don't need to do these things," calls for a volunteer whom he insists be JoJo, and says that it's not about the past, it's about the future, and goes in for a kiss. JoJo turns her head so Chad's lips catch maybe her ear, and all the guys go wild.
On the way offstage, Chad punches a door, then finds Evan, and amazingly does not punch him, too.