'The Bachelorette' Week 3 Recap: Chad Threatens to Rip Everyone's Arms Off
Welcome back to TheChad-lorette. All your favorite people are here: Chad, JoJo, Deli-Meat-Eating Chad, Violent Chad, Temporarily Maybe Almost Charming Chad, Chris Harrison, Chad Who Can Shoulder Press That Fiat From the J.Lo Commercial, and Daniel, from Canada. They're gonna show you a good time.
Chad, on those promises we make while drinking heavily but never follow through on:
"My goal was to get to doing pull-ups with my body weight strapped to me."
The first one-on-one date: Chase
There is hot yoga, "anger-gasms," JoJo mounting Chase Indian-style, and tales of the ravaging fallout of divorce (apparently it makes you sad for at least one day). But none of it matters, because Chase is about as engaging as a mute koala on Xanax, and as far as I'm concerned, this date never happened. Back to Chad!!
Some Chad stuff
Chad is on the group date card, along with lots of other guys. But Chad would rather not go on this date, and just have a one-on-one later.
Chad, on why he doesn't want to go on this date:
"I don't want to go with 12 guys. That's too many guys."
Nobody likes to hear this from Chad. They think he should be more respectful of group dates! Including Evan, who says something about Chad.
Chad, on whether or not Evan should keep talking:
"Evan, stop talking."
Let's not forget: Evan is Dante from Clerks, only worse-looking and far more frail. Of all the guys in this house, this is the guy Chad's picking on? I suppose, in a jungle full of pumas, even a house cat can inflict some damage if it's still around after the pumas attack, so Chad wants to do away with the house cat/Evan/Dante from Clerks. Still, seems a bit of an easy target for such a well-bicep-veined man.
Let's take a second to talk about Chad's neckbeard
You can tell a lot about a man from his beard. Everything, really. So let's dissect Chad's.
Chad's beard is good and full, which may be because he was blessed with nice, thick coverage, and may be because of the steroids. Despite that, coverage-wise, it's a touch patchy, but he manages to pass that off as being unkempt in some cool, Chad-may-care manner... which brings us to where Chad's beard gets truly problematic: the neckbeard.
Now, I'm not necessarily opposed to neckbeards. Of course, neckbeards may not be the most conventionally attractive look, but they're the only beard some guys have, and if those guys want a beard, shit, man, they deserve to have a beard -- even if it refuses to cross the jawline threshold and looks like a lint roller someone recently took to a couch that a dog often sits on. But Chad doesn't NEED the neckbeard; he's got facebeard to spare. And it's quite clear that Chad grooms himself almost as often as he purchases uncured hams. Which means that Chad is intentionally avoiding setting a hard line on his neckbeard with a buzzer or razor, presumably to give off the impression that Chad "just doesn't give a fuck," when in fact Chad clearly gives numerous fucks.
The great Hamilton Nolan once said, correctly, "If you see a man sporting permanent stubble, it is appropriate to assume that he has character flaws that are very grave." I will now say the same thing for a man with a neckbeard who doesn't require one, and whose aesthetic infatuation would normally lead to him not having one. Chad's neckbeard is a calculated one, and that indeed means Chad is bad.
The group date: JoJo makes the guys tell sex stories
When we get to the group date that almost definitely makes it seem like they're going be forced to perform bad stand-up, a girl is apparently having an orgasm, but it just sounds like she's got a Jolly Rancher lodged in her throat and can't get it out. Also, there is a giant Coscto barrel of cheese balls behind her, so maybe it was those.
Turns out the guys have to "divulge their deepest, darkest sexual stories" for a live audience, which makes Chad not like this group date.
Chad, on sex stories/the passage of time:
"I don't haaave any story. I don't want to to tell a story. I don't care about her sexual past. I don't want to talk about hers or mine. That's in the past."
Chad is only about sexual futures. And since Chad told him to shut up earlier, Evan is all about taking shots at Chad with his sex story. Is this a terrible idea? Of course. But Alex the Tiny Marine encourages Evan, telling him that saying mean, sex-related things about a man who shot Deca-Durabolin into his butt just hours ago is a great idea. Evan of course listens, despite the very real possibility that Chad will stomp him like a cheese ball when he hears all this. Now, I don't want to talk badly about a Marine who's served our nation, but Alex seems like maybe not the best guy to go into battle with. I'm pretty sure he would just be like, "Hey, see that land mine over there? You should step on it because I don't like land mines. You got this, man!!!"
The stories are all over the place. Fireman Grant claims that the first time he had sex was in two zipped-together sleeping bags in a public park, and the cops showed up and pulled him out of the sleeping bags totally naked except for a condom (way to be responsible!) and cuffed him. But hey, he still had sex! So that definitely happened. Aaron Rodgers' Brother talks about fluffing himself. Vinny takes his clothes off. Daniel tells us he cuts off his conquests' hair with a knife. Nick performs cunnilingus on the air while reciting the alphabet. The sad part is, all of this is better and funnier than the stories the "pros" were telling.
Time for Evan to take the sex stage. He comes right out and says he's an erectile dysfunction specialist, and so he knows a lot about what happens when you use steroids: you get "rope-like muscles," but you also become irritable and say things like, "The girl I'm trying to date is nagging me." Presumably at some point he talked about the tiny genitalia part, but they don't show it. But let's just assume he did, for fun. Chad just stares at Evan like he's a pound of freshly cut Boar's Head Honey Turkey.
It all gets good when Evan goes back to his seat, which just happens to be next to Chad's. At first it seems like Chad is trying to give him a handshake as he comes past just to be a dick, but when you Zapruder the incident, it definitely appears that Chad is actually telling Evan to wait to enter until Chad exits the row. Emboldened by his tales, and forgetting that Chad is Chad, Evan plows ahead, bumping Chad with his shoulder, then seemingly gives Chad a bunch of pushes in the back as he goes by. Chad responds by pulling Evan's shirt and ripping it. Alex seems to still not care about Evan's life.
But before the fallout really begins, when he hits the stage, Chad pulls another "I'm so Chad that I don't need to do these things," calls for a volunteer whom he insists be JoJo, and says that it's not about the past, it's about the future, and goes in for a kiss. JoJo turns her head so Chad's lips catch maybe her ear, and all the guys go wild.
On the way offstage, Chad punches a door, then finds Evan, and amazingly does not punch him, too.
Chad, on what happens if Evan doesn't chill out
"You're gonna fucking die if you don't chill out."
Evan earns himself a little neck-push from Chad, as Chad deftly continues to keep himself in the "well, he didn't assault anybody THAT bad, so he should stay" category. Vinny wants details, though. "What happened when you went to the stage and pulled Evan's shirt?" he asks. Chad says that, indeed, he just wanted to get out, and Evan "plowed into" him. Evan asks Chad while he's here, and demands an apology and a new shirt.
Chad, on Chad, as Chad walks past a mirror:
"Whoaa, hey, buddy!!"
Since all the little solo sessions with JoJo are still happening while all this is going on, she scores some Chad time, during which she quite easily gets Chad to admit that he tore Evan's shirt. She admonishes him for being a bully, yet decides she still wants him around because she sees "so many different sides" of him, presumably including both his right and left side-abs. Evan's gonna go down swinging (not at Chad, smartly), and during his time tells JoJo, essentially: it's me or Chad.
It seems like she's going to cut him -- she does the classic say-that-she-likes-him move, and tells Evan he's an unbelievable father and that he's got such a kind heart and soul, butttttttt... I'm not getting rid of Chad, but you can have the rose if you want it, despite the Chad-keeping. Blinded by the rose, like so many before him, Evan abandons his ultimatum and says yes, then gets the worst "real" kiss in the history of the show: JoJo grabs his face to ensure she can control all his potential movements, gives him a quick peck, then shoves his face back away from hers. Evan is here to be pushed around by all.
When Evan returns to the group, rose on his shirt, Chad is befuddled. "Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now?" Nobody can believe he said this. "I'm just honestly being curious." "What's the problem?" JoJo inquires. "You're actually, right now, vibing this dude." Historically, the personal attacks on this show are executed in a semi-open fashion, but a fashion that is far less definitive than this, because, you know, they have cameras everywhere that catch you being a shithead. And they certainly never happen in front of the Bachelorette. JoJo makes clear that she doesn't appreciate what Chad's doing, and that she doesn't like this side of him. Chad's open aggression will surely get him run off the show right now, right??? Wrong. Chad remains.
Chad, on using unconventional tools for lawn maintenance:
"No girl on Planet Earth ever chooses Evan... for anything... other than to come, like, sweep their front yard."
The second one-on-one date: James Taylor
They're going to "kick it old-school," so Jimmy T comes out in suspenders and pretty hot black & white wingtips. JoJo has cool hair and an old-timey dress, and they hop into an extra-hot convertible Caddy that Chris Harrison loaned them for the evening.
It's the old swing-dancing-taught-by-a-92-year-old-woman date! Of course. This date is just like Swingers, except Chad made Gretzky's head bleed. Jimmy T couldn't have been more perfect for this one. The man runs on goofiness. They fill him up with goofiness every morning, and keep pumping and pumping until a little goofiness spills out, so they know he's full. But that goofiness really carries this date, and eventually, they make it outside where everyone is swing dancing and there's a little girl trying to sell newspapers to no one. Now this date is just like Newsies, except the strike was just Chad cracking Josh Baskin in the skull.
On the night date, JoJo makes it clear that she wants to break through the friendship she and James Taylor have and reach another level. The only thing funnier than falling in love with someone on this show is the idea that a guy and a girl who have spent 14 minutes together have become close enough friends that this is somehow a major hurdle to overcome.
As they sit in the Caddy at Makeout Point, drinking coffee out of Thermoses like all the crazy horndog kids did in the '50s, James Taylor tells tales of how, when he was younger, all the kids made fun of him because he was funny-looking. And because of that, whenever he's got a shot with a girl, he tells them to bone his hot best friend Marcus instead. He self-destructs in his pursuits of women because he doesn't want to fail at it. This is either some very sad psychological shit, or some very devious long-game psychological shit, in which he's planting seeds of doubt that they will have to fight together. Chad always says, beware of the nice guys.
But they do overcome it! JoJo gives him what my fiancée described as "unsexual kissing" after James Taylor sings her a goofy song and plays the guitar. Now, I don't know the first thing about playing the guitar, but I'm pretty sure that, despite all his adorable dedication, he's terrible at it. He's like a kid who just got My First Guitar, and just strums and strums and doesn't really know how to make sense of any of it. If James Taylor were playing the piano, he'd do the move where he swipes the keys all the way from higher notes down to lower notes. But hey, at least they're no longer friends, I guess.
Chris Harrison is here with some grave news
There will be no cocktail party tonight! Because... JoJo wants to spend the entire day with the guys! At a pool party!!! Harrison: toying, always toying.
Chad, on pool parties and what men see at them:
"I don't get why they're all happy with each other, and they're gonna be all happy to see her in a bathing suit. I'd be happier having her not be in a bathing suit, so they couldn't see her in a bathing suit. I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress."
One unspoken rule of this show is: you only address Chris Harrison when he addresses you. Evan, desperate, afraid, and a man with a rose now, doesn't follow the rules. He follows Chris Harrison outside and tells him that Chad tore his shirt and punched a door. Can you kick a guy off for punching doors? Definitely not. What about for physically grabbing much smaller men and tearing their shirts? Apparently not that, either! Chris Harrison wisely blames the general concept of "testosterone," then, because he's required to do his due diligence in situations like this, asks Chad to step outside.
It's been brought to Chris Harrison's attention that there has been violence and threats of violence. Chad? He's just standing up for himself and hasn't started anything -- Evan tried to push him over! Chris Harrison knows that Evan accused him of being on steroids. Chad assures him that that's impossible -- they wouldn't even let him bring them in!
Now, Chris Harrison is not asking Chad to leave, and he's not telling him he's going home -- not when Chris Harrison knows Chad is the only reason I'm watching this show and that I might stop blogging about it if he left early. But: something has to be done. This is Chad's chance to go settle it. Chris Harrison recommends he think about an approach that might be received well.
Chad, on approaches that might be received well:
"I don't want to have to physically fight you, but if there's no way to stop you from saying what you're saying, then I will physically have to hurt you."
Chad, on next week (or, tomorrow)
"I'm going to cut everyone's here's legs off, and arms off, and there's gonna be torsos, and then I'm gonna throw them in the pool."
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