I knew what was coming. I had to outrun it all. I would be that guy because avoiding spoilers is basically showing up to your friends barbecue and announcing you've gone lacto-ovo vegetarian. Early on, a colleague passed along a link to a tweet from Abrams' Bad Robot production company. It was a photo of the Episode VII script. I could not click it.
"I promise it will not spoil it for you."
"I am not looking."
"It is the exterior of a bound screenplay."
Spoiler-dodging, as you may glean from the countless "DUDE, WTF!!" comments cluttering your choice social media, is tiresome. As friends noted early on, my profession made this an especially ridiculous trial. Fair. The easy solution would have been to move to Ted Kaczynski's abandoned cabin in Montana and live a hermit life until pre-sale tickets were up for grabs, but life was a priority. And with no such thing as "getting off the Internet" in 2015, workarounds were a must. I un-bookmarked websites frequented for confectionary amusement. I muted and unfollowed friends with crossover interests. I spent $10 for a Twitter app that blocked key phrases like "Chewbacca," "lightsaber," and "SW" (apologies to Tilda SWinton and Taylor SWift, collateral damage in the purge). A Facebook plug-in disabled all things Star Wars from my feed, reducing the platform to a numbing stream of cat photos, self-help confessions, and chain-letter re-shares.