How do I decline a lap dance?
“No thank you, but I appreciate your asking.” And that’s it.
What do we talk about?
Whatever you want! How much you hate your ex-wife. How concerned you are about your son’s failing grades. How you can’t wait to take your boat out. How you think Bernie Sanders is a good guy but has absolutely no chance, other than splitting the Democratic ticket. Just don’t be racist, homophobic, or misogynistic. Save that for the confession booth. Or a licensed therapist. Or your bigoted friends.
If I think your co-worker is hotter, how do I end this conversation?
“Thanks for saying hi, but I’m actually waiting for the girl with the red hair and white heels.” If the stripper is a pro, you’ve just saved you and her time and energy. Just please don’t ask me to go get her: that’s like calling Domino’s and asking for the location to Pizza Hut.
Do you love me as much as I love you? Because I love you, like, a lot.
Awwww. That’s sooooooooo sweeeeeeeeet.
In truth, many of us do enjoy and appreciate the patrons who we interact with, and some of us even date, bang, or fall in love with our patrons. Me? I married one, and he’s a great father to our daughter. If the attraction is mutual, it will pan out. But unless the stripper indicates an outside, non-money-motivated relationship, it’s safe to assume that your infatuation should remain inside the club walls.
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Elle Stanger is a mother, stripper, feminist, activist, non-monogamous wife, and author who entertains the masses in Portland, OR. She holds two university degrees, neither of which she utilizes in a conventional fashion. She prefers organic food, dark beer, and self-actualized individuals. Don’t ask her about her tattoos; she’s run out of clever retorts. Find her online at EroticMusePDX.com.