This is the week, people. The week where everyone tells Ben they love him. The week that Ben tells two-thirds of those everyones that he loves THEM. The week that three girls file, one by one (presumably), into a little thing called the Fantasy Bang Suite, they cut the cameras off, and Ben shows them how an uninterestingly handsome high school quarterback from Indiana who consider himself to be unlovable DOES things.
Let’s get right down to the dates that Sallah from Raiders of the Lost Ark would surely refer to as “bad dates”, and are likely also capable of killing monkeys.
The Caila FBS Date
“You look incredible!” That’s Ben’s opening line. Of course it’s Ben’s opening line. Ben’s only slightly veiled existence as a dangerously surface-level valuer of women has been well-documented in these recaps, and will be documented even weller right now. Of course all people enjoy being told they look incredible; that in itself is not a bad thing. But never once has Ben greeted one of these women with, “My sweet muse, how I’ve missed your recitations of Chaucer,” or a simple, “How abundant is my desire to hear your educated position on the ongoing crisis in Syria,” or even, “cool pants.” Never once. Just: “you look hot, sheeeeeeeeeet, grrrrrl.”
Despite that, this date starts out really well! Well for the Jamaican guy driving the weird boat made of bamboo, who prefers silence, so he can more deeply ponder the mysteries of this earth. Because while on the boat, Ben and Caila don’t talk, at all. The producers can’t even stitch together 45 seconds of them commenting on how watery the water is here in Jamaica. Let’s recap this part of the date in greater detail:
And there it is! Fast forward to the night date!
Alright, we’ve got a huge problem already: they’re at Sandals, and Ben is wearing close-toed shoes. At SANDALS. Save those things for when you’re visiting the exotic New England vacation resort paradise Loafers, Ben. But guess what: talking is happening again. Caila runs down how she feels weird because the other two girls are falling for Ben too, and talks about how in every other relationship she’s had, she’s had doubts, and it’s felt wrong... but this just feels right! More importantly, part of her -- likely her mouth -- has wanted to tell Ben something for a long time. And that something is unsurprising, since the previews already told us. She loves him. HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS CAILA LOVES BEN!!
How does she know she loves him so? She feels it when he looks in her eyes, because eye contact is a positive sign of love. The majority of people who have looked each other directly in the eyes are in love with each other. This does not apply to staring contests, of course; those people are hardened competitors, and hate each other viscerally. But for everyone else: pure love. Visibly unsure of how to respond, Ben says nothing and reverts to his safety zone: making out.
The Fantasy Bang Suite Card comes out, Caila says yes without even pretending to hesitate, and they go in. Before you know it, he’s got her stripped down to a bikini, then the lights go out and the shades go down as fireworks that quite bluntly represent sexual intercourse explode in the background. There is zero question that they did the ol’ Horizontal Electric Slide all night long.
Oh, to be the first girl to the FBS. It actually seems almost easy. There’s very little to think about, except for stuff like “what will my parents think of me doing sex with men on national television?” and “does Chris Harrison make you use condoms?” The best part is, you know with pretty solid certainty that the guy hasn’t engaged in the Semi-Vertical Macarena with anyone else in nine weeks, so you just go for it. Your mind is blessedly clear. The other girls have to drink enough light Jamaican lager to forget that Ben’s done the Prostrate Carlton Dance with at least one and possibly two different women not named them within the last 48 hours. That said, her parents still essentially saw her have sex on national television.
The Lauren B FBS Date
On this date, Ben will feed his ever-growing God Complex in a new way: freeing thousands of adorable baby sea turtles that were absolutely supposed to meet their immediate demise at the claws of crabs, and sending them into the sea, thereby disrupting the will of the actual god who created a delicately balanced ecosystem. They dig the turtles out of the sand with a kindly nature-thwarting gentleman and wash all the sand off them. Then they put them BACK ON THE SAND, where they get extremely sandy all over again, before going into the ocean to spend the next century posing for photos for the NatGeo Instagram account.
After standing under a double rainbow that might indeed be a triple rainbow, and going to a reggae concert where they look a touch out of place, it’s time for Love Admission Dinner. The FBS card comes out, Lauren B accepts immediately, and guess what: there’s been something she’s been meaning to tell him! What could this be?? Oh, she is completely in love with him. Which, again, we already were clued into. “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well,” Ben tells her. Lauren B did not expect this! She is overjoyed!! She smiles, they make out, and our two newly minted love-turtles spend alllllll night saying how much they love each other, and possibly also doing the Recumbent Chicken Dance.
Quick side note: as noticed last episode, Ben has a giant tattoo with words about god on his oblique. Words about the very god he just played by allowing adorable tiny turtles to live, instead of being eaten by crabs on a beach. Isn’t anyone thinking about the crabs here? What the hell happens to the crabs when they can’t eat delicious baby turtles?? They die, probably. We live in such a blindly turtle-focused world I can’t even believe it sometimes. Sickening.
The JoJo FBS Date
Let’s do another! JoJo meets Ben, and tells him that she wishes there were more words than “happy” to describe how great she feels around him. She’s right. It’s really too bad that words like blessed, blest, blissful, blithe, can't complain, captivated, cheerful, chipper, chirpy, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, flying high, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, looking good, merry, mirthful, on cloud nine, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled, tickled pink, up, upbeat, or walking on air don’t exist. This show would be a lot more interesting if they did. One day!
The two head over to a waterfall, which JoJo should NOT go chasing, as it’s clear that the rivers and lakes to which she is accustomed are what she should adhere to. Even knowing this, she chases anyway. JoJo tells Ben that it’s so hard to say “I love you” because she’s scared. Although everything that she’s said makes her feel like she does love him. Except “I love you,” of course. She’s really hedging her way into this one. But then: “I DO love you! It's weird that i just said that because i've been so terrified about saying that.” Well that’s just what you have to say at this point of the show, but what does it matter, because Ben is already madly in love with Lauren B, so... ”JoJo, I LOVE YOU TOO.”