Read our live recap of The Bachelor Season 21 premiere that will update throughout the night!
It was always obvious that Nick Viall was on The Bachelorette for the wrong reasons. Now he's our next Bachelor, for the right reasons -- from ABC's perspective, at least: cash money, fan familiarity, above-average height, doing anything to avoid uncertain ratings, and that leather jacket he wears to be trend-sexy even when they're in Barbados. Chase was too boring, Luke was worse, and Chad's predicted sweet potato intake simply wasn't cost-effective. Which meant there wasn't anything left to do except pull a dirty, desperate stunt and anoint Nick. It just might work.
But it also proves, finally, that this show isn't about finding love, and never has been. Should that come as a massive surprise? Of course not, unless you liked M. Night Shyamalan's last five movies. But The Bachelor has finally become obvious about it.
With that in mind, let's run down the reasons why this is the worst decision in Bachelor history since literally anything Juan Pablo said or did or thought.
Nick's been given too many chances already, and he's blown them all
It SEEMED like he came close, but Nick never truly had a chance to lawyer up with Andi -- she was always going to pick the hulking jock with a chin as pronounced as hers. And then Nick walked back into Kaitlyn's season, loaded with more knowledge than anyone ever had. You've surely been like, "Man, if I could only go back to college with what I know now…" Well, Nick went back to college, and he used that knowledge to intercourse Kaitlyn ahead of Fantasy Suite schedule just like he wanted and still couldn't pull it off in the end -- or, more likely, didn't ever plan to.
Smart people, especially smart people who have seen it all fall apart multiple times, don't go on this show to find love
They go to manipulate, to advance their careers, to product-place their line of branded propeller beanies, and to find that whisper of fame in whatever desultory manner they can. They've lived The Process, and they hate it. But they also realize that if everyone else there is a liiiiittle dumber than them and actually invested in said Process, they can twist it to their specific needs. Despite everything terrible about him, Nick is smart. I'll bet you anything Nick "needs" to have sex with seven blondes and four brunettes and one woman with weird dyed hair. Maybe purple!
Nick is clearly incapable of love, anyway
Nick is an operator, and I don't mean the kind you can't reach when you call the cable company, no matter how many times you pound zero and scream, "Operatorrrrrrrrrr! No, I don't want to receive a faxed copy of my bill. Operator." He's a dude with a plan and a little 'fro that everyone made fun of him for when he was growing up. But now he has an overgroomed beard to offset it visually, so he's come for all of our women. Except you can't love them all, with any measure of reality. He has only come to bang them.
Those things above? Chris Harrison knows all those things. Which is why the below reasons Nick got the gig are the very same reasons that might make this the most watchable season since we saw the likes of aforementioned villain-Bachelor JP.
He seriously might sleep with double-digit women, and that's great for ratings
With Kaitlyn, Nick managed to log basically the only officially confirmed non-Fantasy Suite sex-having. And it didn't even seem that difficult. Now he knows the show's mechanics, plus the places to do such things off-camera. He's also been on two Bachelor seasons and one season of Bachelor in Paradise, which were watched by scores of women hopelessly empathetic enough to still feel bad for him. They'll come on with full visibility of all his issues, and want some anyway. Hubba hubba!
He knows how to handle it -- and there's nothing worse than a bad Bachelor running the show
A boring Bachelor is one thing, but that happens almost as a matter of course. One who can't control the situation? Damning to everything. They need to be able to unwrap the shy girls, keep stride with the crazies, corral 25-deep cocktail parties, decipher who's lying about what and to whom and why, deal with dads who mount shotguns on their trucks, and, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SAY SOMETHING FUNNY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. I do not personally find Nick funny at all, but he's at least going to try.
I'll bet you anything he doesn't get engaged to either girl in the end
Cut 'em both!! You were too confused!!! There's literally no better ending to this show than that. Or an ending that more convincingly proves that Bachelor-love is dead.
Sign up here for our daily Thrillist email, and get your fix of the best in food/drink/fun.