'The Bachelor' Premiere: Nick Viall Meets the Ladies, But Will Never Find Love
Welcome back once more to BatchSlap, the wonderful place where every week presents a fresh chance for someone to dump a vodka soda onto someone else's hair for the opportunity to have sex with Nick Viall in a hot tub attached to a stretch Hummer limousine.
Nick is back, again, and I hate him, but the more important thing to know is how this week's post works. Basically, I'll break down everyone on the show, boys and girls alike, and do things like rate their chances of winning, comment on their shark-dolphin costumes in a highly detached fashion, and remind you that no matter how you spell Christen, it's totally OK on this show. Unless you do it like that.
Chris HarrisonThe best!!
Neil LaneI absolutely love how this guy is expanding his promotional opportunities; it really is the worst waiting an entire season for him to show up. Before long he's going to have his own reality show, on which people come into pawnshops trying to sell old Star Trek memorabilia, and he lowballs 'em good and hard before just giving them free wedding rings.
The Girls Who Got Roses
AlexisYeah, starting right off with the one who bought her dress for the most public night of her life at a pop-up Halloween store! She loves dolphins, especially the Miami Dolphins, and is an aspiring dolphin trainer, and enjoys beckoning Nick over to her with seemingly quite accurate dolphin calls, so of course she wore a shark costume. She also seems to be drinking the most heavily of everyone. Certainly tonight, and presumably also while making the decisions that led up to it. If I had to guess, I'd say that she will win as many Bachelor shows as Dan Marino did Super Bowls.
AstridSometimes she speaks like every Bond and Indiana Jones villain rolled into one overemphasized mess. Other times she talks like she's from Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Tells him she has real breasts (in German). Seems to have some real potential!
BrittanyWhen she got out of the limo, Brittany snapped on a rubber glove and told Nick to bend over. I'm not sure what happened after that, as the parental settings on my TV started going crazy and it changed the channel to Blues Clues.
ChristenJust when you think you're out of fresh ways to spell Kristen/Crystyn/Kristin/Cristen/Kristyn/Christin/Kristinn, Christen comes along and blows your mind right out of your brain. Whatever you do, do NOT confuse her with Kirsten, whoever that is. Hopes are not high for this one.
CorinneSo here's the story with Corinne. Corinne runs a "multi-million-dollar company" that was "given to her" by her father. She eats cucumbers for lunch, which are given to her by her nanny, after she tells her mother she needs cucumbers for lunch, who then told the nanny. This is all real stuff. She also gets the first non-Eskimo kiss of the season, and should be counted on to say theoretically but not really quite cogent things as long as she's around all season. Prime candidate for un-Chris Harrison-solicited sex, for sure.
Danielle L.If Danielle L. (pronounced: Danielllllllllle) can figure out how to be witty, charming, and not let Nick convince her to sleep with him by Episode 3, she will almost definitely be sleeping with him the old-fashioned way: after receiving Chris Harrison's blessing/ornate key, in the Fantasy Bang Suite.
Danielle M.Oh man, another real-deal contender named Danielle. She's got a little Tea Leoni thing going on, made him lick syrup that her dad made right off her fingers within seconds of meeting him (Hey, dad! You're directly responsible for this dude who publicly sleeps around licking my fingers on national TV!), and, like Mr. Nick, is from Wisconsin. Germantown, to be exact, which is actually the translation of every single town name in Wisconsin, including the aforementioned Sheboygan.
DominiqueAt least she was the first person to make a "fourth time's the charm" joke?
ElizabethFor some reason I don't have a lot of notes on her, but her favorite movie is The Notebook, so I'll just borrow that and get back to you.
HaileyIf you put together Christy Turlington, Nikki Taylor, 37 other '90s supermodels with impressively oversized mouths, and Lace from Ben's season, you would have a very large, very confused person. And also Hailey! Her already immortal line: "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I." Theoretically she could be wearing underwear, and just be tongue-tied.
JaimiShe has balls, in her nose.
Jasmine G.This one's got some moves. She's a pro basketball dancer, which is pretty cool. Also she... brought Neil Lane. With her. Literally threw him in the limo, which is extra-hilarious when you think of all the other girls in there too, who were surely like "goddammit, why did I spend my time writing out balls puns when I could've called Neil Lane and had him bring my preferred wedding ring??" There are endless new moves to make a first impression on this show, but now nobody can ever bring Neil Lane again. Jasmine G.: the G. is for genius!! Or maybe like Gladwell or something.
JosephineIf you bring a book, and it has the pages cut out so as to surreptitiously hold an uncooked hot dog, and you present said hot dog to Nick and say "you're a wiener in my book," are you worse than trust fall girl, who at least forced Nick to cop a feel? Not even going to answer it.
KristinaShe cries on the first episode, speaks maybe in Romanian, and is pretty objectively attractive! Bela Karolyi would just love to pick her up and carry her to any nearby podium and tell her she can do it.
LaceyAs far as pun-based, limo-abstaining stunts go, showing up on an actual camel and saying that you hear Nick likes a good hump is a close second only to showing up on an actual camel but instead telling him he looks like he's retaining water and you're gonna make him SWEAT IT OUT yeahhhhhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyyeeeeeee!!!!
LizHe's remarkably good at this stuff, so you might've missed this. But Nick displayed his extreme manipulative evilness with ol' Liz right here. Liz definitely banged Nick at Tanner and Jade's wedding, and when she gets out of the limo she doesn't mention it (the banging), and it seems like he maybe doesn't remember her. But wait: he does!
When they meet up later, and he admits that he remembers everything and had a great time, then manages to use her lack of giving him her phone number after the liaison as a reason to basically tell her he's upset with her, because that meant she snubbed him and she could've gotten his number from Jade and he hadn't heard from her, so she didn't try... despite this poor, foolish girl fighting all the way through a ridiculously long and tortuous tryout process and actually quitting her job or whatever the hell happens to come on this show.
But no, she didn't try, so he doesn't care; time to talk to another girl, quick, quick. Nick's gotten in there before, and there are 29 other women on which to burn off his temporary charm, and this is the perfect opportunity to keep this one at arm's length. And it turns out he's 6-2, so his arms are definitely long enough to keep her away, like when you're a cartoon and you put your hand on your silly rival's head and he swings and swings but can't punch you no matter what. And after all that, he gives her the very final rose, to make her sweat, and so he doesn't obviously look like a terrible dude. THAT is everything you need to know about Nick.
RachelRachel is a lawyer who enjoys singing and dancing while vacuuming around the house. What would you give to see Sam Waterston, or possibly even an less well-eyebrowed lawyer like F. Lee Bailey, singing and dancing while vacuuming around the house? I would give at least three Angie Harmons. UPDATE: She's our first impression rose winner, and makes out afterwards! She's got some moves! Order in the court of fake TV love!!!
RavenWould Raven be significantly better if she were actually Raven-Symoné, and at one point in her life danced oh-so-adorably atop the Apollo Theater? Not a trick question.
SarahIs Sarah actually just Corrine, and trying to double her chances of getting a rose? Unclear as of now, check back for updates.
TaylorTaylor's friends think Nick is a complete piece of shit, but she thinks he only MIGHT be a complete piece of shit, but hey, we'll find out, right?
VanessaAnd... we've got ourselves a Canadian.
WhitneyWhitney is a pilates instructor, has a horrific fear of horses, and would want to be Gisele for a day "because she has the reputation of being a really successful model." I'm really hoping there's more here!!
The Girls Who Didn't Get No Roses
AngelaFrom certain angles, she looks somewhat like Megan Fox. From others, she looks exactly like the other 27 girls who wore a long red dress to this thing.
BrianaI remember literally nothing about this girl, and her bio says that the most outrageous thing she's ever done is "move to Utah," so I'm presuming the rest of the world feels the same as me.
Ida MarieEvery year, someone says something about trust and makes the Bachelor do a trust fall with them. THIS IS NOT SOME CORPORATE RETREAT WHERE WE DO TRUST FALLS, IDA MARIE. This is the kind of corporate retreat where everyone is bored as hell listening to someone running through a deck, and just sits around waiting for lunch, but then Chris Harrison takes it away as soon as you try to eat it.
Jasmine B.I got nothing right now but she seems cool and whatnot.
LaurenMore wordplay. His last name is Viall, which apparently is not prounounced vee-AL, but instead "vial." Her last name is Hussy. So together, they're a small cylindrical container made of glass used for holding liquid medicines, with the last name Hussy. Not sure I get this one.
MichelleThis chick is straight ripped and that's about all I know but I like her!
OliviaShe's from Alaska, so she gives him an Eskimo kiss. Does that count as the first makeout? And more importantly, do Eskimos even actually kiss like that? Checking... UPDATE FROM WIKIPEDIA: "A common misconception is that the practice arose so that Inuit could kiss without their mouths freezing together. Rather, it is a non-erotic but intimate greeting used by people who, when they meet outside, often have little except their nose and eyes exposed." Go give the person you love most in this world an Eskimo kiss, then tell them that.
SusannahWhat man doesn't want a beard massage, and the promise of more beard massages? Men without beards, mainly, and also the rest of them.
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