Here's the thing: Every premiere of any Bachelor season ever is extremely boring. All it is is a bunch of women or a bunch of men arriving in a bunch of limousines at a very nice, large house, where they each get to share a few moments with the man or woman who will be the object of their affections for the next couple of months. The other thing is that, because humanity's original sin cursed us all to a life of suffering and indignation, every Bachelor premiere must always be three freakin' hours long. Last night, god of chaos and misery/host Chris Harrison bounced the episode back and forth from various Bachelor parties happening live right at that moment all across the country to the actual premiere, where Colton Underwood was made to stand and receive a bevy of women all doing their best to make a good first impression.
Because the first impression is, arguably, the most important part of surviving The Bachelor, along with looking good in a swimsuit and convincing yourself that game show love is real. Many contestants who received the First Impression Rose at the conclusion of the premiere went on to win the season -- last season's Bachelorette Becca Kufrin gave her First Impression Rose to Garrett Yrigoyen, and now they're happily engaged. The fact that the first rose of the season is so important, combined with how dull it can be to watch one man meet 30 women one right after the other, means last night got very weird, very fast.