When it's at its best, The Bachelorette is about a few crucial things. Finding love. Finding said love for the right reasons. Men proving that they are far more desperate and foolish than women have ever been, and also that they spend considerably more time and effort on their hair. Horrific puns. Early returns on Season 12 are showing that, yep: we've got it good this time around.
For those unfamiliar with how this whole BatchSlap thing works, every week I'll be providing a full recap of the latest episode, complete with analysis, speculation that will initially be viewed as wild and misguided but will eventually be realized to be bulletproof, and jokes about an old Bachelorette contestant Ames that nobody will understand, except Ames. Hi, Ames!!
This initial week, however, features no plot, no arc. So instead of a needlessly detailed blow-by-blow of the premiere episode, I'm going to break down each contestant (who made it through to week two) and other major players on the show in an incredibly superficial manner. Let's go.