So, my DVR sucks. I came home from the BatchSlap Headquarters, where I spend my days cultivating long-stemmed roses and doing Google Hangouts with Neil Lane and Ames, and I realized that it had simply refused to tape the show, and I was 19 minutes late, because Neil Lane was telling an interminable story about this pair of 100% diamond overalls that he sold to Mr. T in 1987.
Luckily, I have sources who don’t videochat with Neil Lane, so they’re on time for the show. One sent me the following notes on what I missed:
-The first thing Whitney tells Chris's family is that they "made a baby together" and they weren't creeped out.
-Whitney plays the "my parents are dead" card and convinces Chris's sisters to love her.
-During the Whitney date, all Chris can talk to his family about is how "awesome" and "pretty cool" Becca is, despite the fact that I find her more boring than a potato.
-Whoa, Chris's mom is a very "handsome" woman.
And I’m back! When I turn it on, Chris is in a room with his dad, his brothers-in-law (brother-in-laws? I think it’s the first one), maybe some of his buddies, and 700 power drills. Nothing really happens. After that, everyone goes back into the house, where maybe 14 sisters and infinity children are all upset that Chris has no clarity. But he does have a liking for Becca’s sense of humor, because she’s never told a joke, but MIGHT know who Martin Short is. And that’s that.
The Becca home visit
She brought cookies! She clearly didn’t make these cookies -- they’re on a tray with one of those tented plastic covers that only come from cookie stores, but everyone knows all the cookie stores in Arlington closed before Britt got there and hated it, because there were no cookie stores. So I have no idea where they're from. To disguise her virginity, Becca has 3/4 of her shirt unbuttoned and is showing off a considerable amount of bra. Smart.
They go inside, Becca does not button her shirt so his family can see that she’s maybe not a virgin, everyone drinks a bottle of wine, and she tells about how she made a trip to Downtown Arlington a few weeks back. Everyone laughs a hearty laugh, because that was not Downtown Arlington, silly Becca! That was clearly Midtown Arlington. Where the action is. Becca does some talks with the women in Chris’s life, first the sisters, and then Mom. They all let her know just how ready Whitney is to move here and have babies, even if she has to convert the power saw section of the garage into a makeshift fertility clinic. She then tells Mom she can’t figure out how Chris is still single, which is that eternal "compliment" that really just says "why does no one want to marry your loser son despite him being all jacked and stuff??" Mom says Becca's got two days to make a decision, or it’s over!! And everything Becca says -- she doesn’t want to move to stupid Iowa, she’s unsure about literally everything, she never slept with Wilt Chamberlain -- Mom spins into meaning Becca is in love with Chris.
Then they kinda somewhat make out, and that’s it.
The final Becca date
It’s in Dubuque! When you try to Google "Dubuque famous people," all the searches recommend "Dubuque Famous Footwear," because they know I NEED my Miranda By Miranda Lambert wide calf cowboy boots, plus Tony Danza is the most famous person from Dubuque, and he only went to college there.
They hang out in Becca's impressively dope hotel room, and Chris brings it hard here. Does she see a future here? Does small-town life make her scared? Where do you see yourself in five years? Not Arlington??? Why do you feel like you're not in love with me? She wants so badly to be able to answer that question, but not badly enough to actually answer. WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?? Obviously Goosebumps books scare her the most, but also, moving there, and wondering if it’s for her. What happens if she gets there, and it’s not great?? I have to assume she means the relationship, because obviously living in Arlington is the best.
Overall, Becca is clearly not into this, but Chris is not letting it go. I'm not sure if it was a camera angle or what, but I just realized that Becca seems to have rather large hands, so it might be a purely functional farming decision that’s driving him here. They hug, Becca leaves, Chris cries, and that might be it for them, unless Whitney’s hands are exceptionally small or otherwise unfit for manual farm labor.
The final Whitney date
Screw Dubuque: Whitney is going to the farm! So, we’re going to find out about her shucking skills right now. But then, the truth comes out: Chris doesn’t even harvest this corn by gigantic oversized hand at all! It’s all done by gigantic corn robots, which they drive around for a bit, before Whitney says that this could be her future, for a long... long... long... long, long, long time. This somehow seems to be the first time that’s she’s realized the finality of all this.
After that, they drive around town, and Whitney lies to Chris and says it’s all gorgeous. Chris points out his dad’s farm, and the farm that he and Mike own together, and another farm that he owns, without Mike. All these farms bring out the real corn-digger in here: how many farms does he own??? Well, 800 acres. All this potential wealth, especially when you factor in the government subsidies, really excites her.
Then they go to Chris’s house, which also proves he’s really raking it in, with an automated mechanical rake. They gaze out at all that moneymaking farmland, and she tells him she loves him, over and over, and says how much she loves it there, and I’m starting to think that she’s just a boring person, and has realized that this lifestyle will allow her to be boring without anyone noticing. She says some things are best left unspoken, but that when she’s not with him, she wants to be with him, and she can’t describe it, even though she just spoke, and described it. She likes him because she knows how to finish his sentences, failing to point out that this is easy, because they are all very short and highly predictable.
And then, after months of fumbling around with his words and expressing unoriginal feelings of maybe-love, Chris finally pulls his thoughts together, and hits us with the most showstopping romantic sentiment that this show has ever heard: "What you just said... is something that I reciprocate."
Chris, you dog.
The part after that
Here’s where Chris stares out the window for like 60 hours straight, which is actually not all that different from what happens on the farm day-to-day.
That ring-pimp Neil Lane is in the (farm) house
Neil Lane rolls in hard, and says "I’m in... your state!" Because Chris is back in Dubuque, as Neil Lane refused to go to Arlington. He gives Chris a ring, because he cares so much -- about being the world’s foremost advocate for farmer love, and not at all about transparent promotional opportunities.
The part where Chris gets fake-engaged to someone
We come upon Chris in the barn, where the nerves are beginning to overcome him, and... HAHAHAHA, THEY’RE DOING THIS IN THE GODDAMN BARN. Now, yes, one of the county’s top interior barn decorators has come in to set up lights, and more lights, and some stained glass, and also lights. So, it’s nice looking! But it’s still a barn. I guess it gives the girls one final reminder of what they’re getting into. Chris is extra-excited because this is the barn where he raised his first pig, a feeling we can all relate to.
Unless he decides to pick nobody -- which I really hope will happen, but am pretty sure won’t, as this is his one chance to lock someone down because they have to say yes because they’re on TV -- the girl who gets out of the first limo is doomed. Honestly, I’ve never loved a season more, and have never cared less about who they guy is going to pick. But... who’s it gonna be? Whitney? Becca? MAYBE THE NOT-SOBER GIRL WHO TWERKED ON THE WALL????
It’s Becca. Ohhhhh, poor, sweet Becca. You will not be deflowered on a bed of mulch tonight, Becca. As smoke pours of out Chris’s mouth because it’s cold as crap in Iowa, he tells Becca that she gave him a level of comfort, and he could see a future with her, and he knows he can see her as his wife, buttttttt... she’s not ready. And he just has to go with his heart, and his gut, which is not something that grade-school girls draw a picture of with their initials and the initials of the guy they have a crush on, but it’s also important.
Becca just stands there, and might be smiling. It’s amazing how upliftingly this is ending for her. She tells him he’s going to be an amazing husband! And she had so much fun on the show! Big hug!! So much happiness!!! In the end, I think she’s totally relieved, because she is afraid of boys, and if you get married to one, you have to be around them all the time. In the limo, she’s still totally normal, and says she thinks she’s in a state of shock. No Becca, you’re in a state of corn.
But is he going to propose to Whitney?????
He sure is. But not before she gives HIM a speech, which she is not supposed to do. She’s clearly scripted this thing out. He just listens, then tells her 1) he remembers when she got out of the limo, which is good, 2) he likes her because this is not work for them, which is not great, since there are not a lot of jobs in Iowa, and, 3) he loves her, and wants to marry her. And she says, yeah, ok, let’s do that. Time for a roll in the hay, amirtie?!?! They hop on a tractor, and disappear into the corn, Field of Dreams-style, before Ray Liotta shows up and realizes he has no one to play catch with, because Iowa is underpopulated.
The big surprise in the "following the last flower" aftershow
It’s not that Whitney is pregnant, which my sister got me all excited about possibly being the case. It’s that Britt AND Kaitlyn are going to be co-Bachelorettes next season, except one of them won’t be, as determined by the guys who will almost definitely pick Britt because she is hot. Also Jimmy Kimmel has access to cows.
See you in Paradise, gang.