BatchSlap

The BatchSlap Bachelor Recap: Week 5

ABC

After a long Sunday of Skittles wings, domestic macrobrews, and watching a certain quarterback not even named Former Bachelor Jesse Palmer win his fourth Super Bowl, it’s time for the real man’s real entertainment: two-hour reality television shows hosted by Chris Harrison.

We’ve got 11 girls remaining, and everyone’s going to Santa Fe! I think it’s what Tina dresses up as when she lets kids sit on her lap at the mall around Christmas. Megan thinks it’s a beach resort with abundant tacos that’s not in our country.

The first one-on-one date: Carly

"Come together," the card reads. So, they’re either going to listen to the Beatles, or simultaneously climax, or simultaneously climax while listening to the Beatles. Or possibly Semisonic, that always does the trick. Before we get too far into this, let’s review what we know about Carly. Carly is from Texas. Carly is a cruise ship singer. Carly appears to be short and can definitely be classified as cute. Some of these girls are “babes” or “bombshells” or “shells of people who would otherwise be babes" -- she’s not any of those. She's way more natural, and has that certain look -- big wide eyes and a kinda goofy, impish smile -- that will make her look good and young and vibrant even when she’s 42. Maybe even 44! She’s also spectacular at chugging unpasteurized goat milk when there is a musclebound man on the far end of the glass.

Ok, so this date is weird. They meet some mystic shaman lady whose job is to “add juiciness to a relationship” by an infinity pool out in the desert. So the woman gives them a Vitamix, turns around, and goes home. JK, that would be ridiculous -- those things are like $500 and it’s very clear that the budget has been slashed this season.

Weird Mystic Shaman Lady waves a giant blunt around Chris and Carly’s heads and tells them to blow the remnants of their Sour Cream & Onion Pringles into each others’ faces. Then Chris gets blindfolded and Carly breathes on him more and grinds chocolate covered strawberries into his upper lip. Then they’re forced to take their shirts off, and there’s no way Chris doesn’t have a rager right now. Eventually everyone agrees that this is the most awkward thing since the time Ames showed up at Marcus and Lacey’s house as they were in the throes of still never saying words to each other but being very much in love, and made them watch A Million Ways to Die in the West, and Weird Mystic Shaman Lady allows them to not take each others’ pants off. 

Next, WMSL makes them talk about the one mask they want to let go of. Chris wants to let go of his “mask of truly falling in love,” proving he’s terrible at understanding things. Carly wants to let go of her “mask of thinking she’s not worthy of love.” After they sit with their faces inches apart and aren’t allowed to make out, they make out, and run away as fast as their still thankfully covered legs can run.

What happens next is absolutely bizarre. Some weird things have happened on this show over the years, but this one is truly, truly unexpected. It honestly makes you wonder if it’s time to finally stop watching this show altogether. What happens is... THEY HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION. And it doesn’t even employ any of the standard Bachelorisms like “ready for love” or “right reasons” or “[horrifying make out noises].”

Carly tells Chris she doesn’t feel like the prettiest person in the world, partially because her last bf wouldn’t get physical with her, at all. Is this because he was also likely a cruise ship singer? Yes. But still: it hurt her.

She’s got all sorts of pathos going on due to this, and tells Chris she just wants to feel beautiful and wanted and get her head right. Of course when I said “conversation” earlier, that didn’t mean that Chris was talking too -- that would just be ridiculous. But, she gets all of this understandable mental instability off her now-covered chest, and they make out, and Chris tells the camera that Carly is “the best wife you could ever ask for.” She gets the rose, along with a place in the Bachelor Contestant Who Actually Told Someone About How They Feel (Not Regarding Deceased Husbands or Other Death-Related Whatever) Hall of Fame.

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Back at the hotel

As a predictable counter to everything that just occurred, Kelsey tells the girls the story about her deceased husband. She’s very weird at telling this story. She never clams up, or starts to cry, or even does anything other than smile and look bizarrely smug about the whole thing, because she feels it shows that she “loves overwhelmingly.” The girls seem to not even believe her dead husband story, and the bulk of these girls are somewhat normal. And let’s not forgot: ALL THIS HUSBAND-DYING HAPPENED LIKE 16 MONTHS AGO. Just remember all this for later.
 

The group date

Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whiney, Mackenzie Who Wishes To God She Was Still a Virgin, Becca Who Is Still a Virgin, Ashley Winehouse-Kardashian Who Is Still Lying About Still Being a Virgin, and Kelsey get ready, because Chris is “Rapidly falling in love.” 

They head to the Rio Grande, which is more than just a Mexican restaurant in Boulder, Colorado with gigantic margaritas, and they’re going to ride those rapids you knew were coming. They hit some really boring ones, then Jade gets hurled overboard, and Chris has to massage her entire body because she has a condition that causes her to go into hypothermia “before it should,” which is actually called “never, because they make jackets these days.” But, we love Jade at this recap blog, so let’s go ahead and believe her.

At the dinner portion, all hell breaks loose. Or, at least some hell. JORDAN IS BACK! Do you remember Jordan? Well she doesn’t remember you, or anyone else -- she’s the one who enjoyed a little too much of the free Fireball in the first couple episodes and got sent packing. Apparently she drove herself all the way from Colorado for a second shot, and seems to somehow have restrained herself from taking any this particular evening. And, she looks pretty good! Better than I remember, honestly. Chris says hey, look honey: I didn’t get to know you because you were drinking, but I’m not one who judges, because I also really really love drinking, so let’s drive these other girls to do exactly that, because I’m bringing you into the date!

Ashley W-K, who is wearing a dress that was designed for a 3'4" girl, because she is a virgin, leads the hate-parade, telling Whitney she’s not allowed to like Jordan just because they’re both blonde. Chris holds his audiences with each of the girls, and all anyone talks about is Jordan. This girl walks right in, completely ruins all chances for all of them to talk poop about any other girls they might have wanted to talk poop about, sits on the couch, and then gets sent home without talking to Chris anymore. Why’d they even make her do this? She’s taken an ages-old Bachelor institution, that time when girls roll in with a head of steam and leave totally, totally embarrassed, and absolutely destroyed it.

For no reason at all, Whitney gets the rose. We will never get this date back.
 

The second one-on-one date: Britt

The big news here is that Britt doesn’t shower. Like, maybe hasn’t showered the whole show. I’m not sure I can believe this? Britt is always very well put together and SEEMS like someone who showers at least monthly. And yet here she is, talking about how she doesn’t shower. Bragging about how she doesn’t shower? Is that something super-hot girls do, to make the other ones feel inferior? I’m so good at being hot that I literally don’t need to use pressurized water or Caress Exfoliating Body Wash to be this hot? That’s a thing?

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The date card reads: “Sky is the limit.” And you know that you keep on! Just keep on pressin' on. Sky is the limit, and you know that you can have what you want, be what you want, have what you want. Unless what you want is a shower, in which case, not happening, Britt. She starts to shake. The only thing she’s more afraid of than 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner is heights. What is an unshowered super-babe to do?!?!

ABC

Because they’re obligated to do it once an episode, even if Jimmy Kimmel isn’t involved, Chris pulls the surprise wake-up move and drags Britt to a hot air balloon, which she is not afraid of at all, even once it goes very high into the air, and they’re standing in the basket with zero safety equipment. This is confusing: if Britt was legitimately deathly afraid of heights, she would be in an outright panic right now. If she wasn’t deathly afraid of heights, and made all that up earlier, why wouldn’t she be putting on the same show for Chris that the girls got? And, perhaps most importantly, what would happen if the pilot pulled out a loofah right now?!??!

After that disappointing display of composure, they head back to Chris’s hotel room at the Buffalo Thunder Casino (actual Yelp review: “As I was unloading my infant, the valet driver ran over my foot! My baby and I fell to the ground, and I was trapped under the tire for what seemed like an eternity”). Britt lies and says she "wants 100 kids," Chris gives her the rose, then closes the door and they maybe cut Britt’s childbearing bogey down to 99.

I think also it’s time to address what we know about Britt. Britt is objectively attractive, and is very aware of that, and knows how to use it pretty well. To this point, she’s said exactly what Chris wants to hear, and nothing about her actual life that she theoretically spends waitressing and reading 1100-page novels. She’s been a good sport about pretty much everything, and even pretended to have fun milking sheep, but none of this... seems to fit. She’s clearly no dummy, but I also can’t imagine that she’s dying to wear overalls the rest of her life, even if they’re the fashion kind. Which all leads me to believe that either 1) she’s actually perfect and is in love with Chris, thanks his ability to repair a center pivot sprinkler system, or 2) she wants to be on The Bachelorette next season and she won’t take a shower before she is, dammit!

ABC

The Kelsey being crazy

Remember when I was all disappointed because Jordan came all the way here and forced her way onto the show and didn’t even do anything insane? Well, Kelsey’s got her covered. She goes and finds Chris’s room, and launches right into her “story.” The one where she tells about how her husband died walking to work, and you kinda don’t believe her at all. Now, maybe this did happen. Maybe she deals with sudden husband-death in interesting ways. But the way she continues to focus on her “story,” and how much she “loves her story,” and how “amazing” it is that she’s managed to overcome this, and the fact that she couldn’t remember the cause of death, and that she’s NOT EVEN CLOSE TO CRYING AT LITERALLY ANY POINT AND THIS HAPPENED LIKE 16 MONTHS AGO, leads one to believe that something fishy is going on here. 

Then she hurls her face right into Chris’s, right after telling him the most horrifying thing that happened in her life -- the man she loved once and forever getting senselessly ripped away from her by fate -- and it’s obvious that even if this is true, she is without a heart, and is more dangerous than velociraptors seemed to be before you realized they were actually the size of chickens. It’s unclear if she can open doors.

All this leads to Chris cancelling the cocktail party because he’s the one shaken up by The Story. Which causes Kelsey to go collapse in the hallway while the other girls don’t even move or look concerned even though they can hear her wailing. Again, this is the girl I called “totally sincere” in week one. I’m so good at this show.
 

The Rose Ceremony

That didn’t happen because Kelsey is telling Stories, on the floor.
 

The next week

There’s a dreaded two-on-one date! Literally everyone cries! At least half the girls sprint away from Chris at one point or another! Britt hopefully applies deodorant!!