Back at the hotel
As a predictable counter to everything that just occurred, Kelsey tells the girls the story about her deceased husband. She’s very weird at telling this story. She never clams up, or starts to cry, or even does anything other than smile and look bizarrely smug about the whole thing, because she feels it shows that she “loves overwhelmingly.” The girls seem to not even believe her dead husband story, and the bulk of these girls are somewhat normal. And let’s not forgot: ALL THIS HUSBAND-DYING HAPPENED LIKE 16 MONTHS AGO. Just remember all this for later.
The group date
Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whiney, Mackenzie Who Wishes To God She Was Still a Virgin, Becca Who Is Still a Virgin, Ashley Winehouse-Kardashian Who Is Still Lying About Still Being a Virgin, and Kelsey get ready, because Chris is “Rapidly falling in love.”
They head to the Rio Grande, which is more than just a Mexican restaurant in Boulder, Colorado with gigantic margaritas, and they’re going to ride those rapids you knew were coming. They hit some really boring ones, then Jade gets hurled overboard, and Chris has to massage her entire body because she has a condition that causes her to go into hypothermia “before it should,” which is actually called “never, because they make jackets these days.” But, we love Jade at this recap blog, so let’s go ahead and believe her.
At the dinner portion, all hell breaks loose. Or, at least some hell. JORDAN IS BACK! Do you remember Jordan? Well she doesn’t remember you, or anyone else -- she’s the one who enjoyed a little too much of the free Fireball in the first couple episodes and got sent packing. Apparently she drove herself all the way from Colorado for a second shot, and seems to somehow have restrained herself from taking any this particular evening. And, she looks pretty good! Better than I remember, honestly. Chris says hey, look honey: I didn’t get to know you because you were drinking, but I’m not one who judges, because I also really really love drinking, so let’s drive these other girls to do exactly that, because I’m bringing you into the date!
Ashley W-K, who is wearing a dress that was designed for a 3'4" girl, because she is a virgin, leads the hate-parade, telling Whitney she’s not allowed to like Jordan just because they’re both blonde. Chris holds his audiences with each of the girls, and all anyone talks about is Jordan. This girl walks right in, completely ruins all chances for all of them to talk poop about any other girls they might have wanted to talk poop about, sits on the couch, and then gets sent home without talking to Chris anymore. Why’d they even make her do this? She’s taken an ages-old Bachelor institution, that time when girls roll in with a head of steam and leave totally, totally embarrassed, and absolutely destroyed it.
For no reason at all, Whitney gets the rose. We will never get this date back.
The second one-on-one date: Britt
The big news here is that Britt doesn’t shower. Like, maybe hasn’t showered the whole show. I’m not sure I can believe this? Britt is always very well put together and SEEMS like someone who showers at least monthly. And yet here she is, talking about how she doesn’t shower. Bragging about how she doesn’t shower? Is that something super-hot girls do, to make the other ones feel inferior? I’m so good at being hot that I literally don’t need to use pressurized water or Caress Exfoliating Body Wash to be this hot? That’s a thing?