America Week 2015

The Biggest Douchebag From Each State

Douchebag is a fantastic insult. Mean, but not TOO mean, and generally directed at just the type of people who thoroughly deserve to be insulted and will likely irrationally overreact upon hearing it. So, because this is America, and because these are the kinds of freedoms for which our forefathers struggled, it’s clear that a question must be answered: who is the biggest douchebag from every state?

Some important ground rules. In this case, “from” means the state in which you were born, even if it’s not the state where you currently reside or with which you happen to be most associated. For that is an indisputable way to determine where someone is from, and also their point of douche origin. Also, you’ll notice there are mostly white dudes on this list. You do not HAVE to be a white guy to be a douchebag, but the entitlement and self-importance that often comes along with the gig definitely helps.

These aren’t necessarily the worst people from each state -- you could be a murderer but still not necessarily embody the delicate cocktail of overconfidence, obliviousness, and general terribleness that is the essence of douche. Figuring it out is equal parts art and science with a few dashes of pointed Googling.

With that out of the way... unleash the douches!

Alabama: Jameis Winston

Possible sex offender. Definite coveter of crustaceans. Probable first-round bust.
Runner up: Terrell Owens

Alaska: Curt Schilling

Born in Anchorage, who knew?! Also, who knew after emerging as the hero of Boston’s improbable World Series run (this was before the Boston backlash really kicked in), Schilling would spend his time trying to disprove evolution, running arguably the least successful gaming empire of all time, and continuing Joe Morgan’s legacy of ruining ESPN baseball broadcasts.
Runner up: Levi Johnston

Arizona: Joe Jonas

Wait, which one is he? Spoiler alert: it doesn’t matter!
Runner up: Shawn Michaels
 

Arkansas: Barry Switzer

Disgraced former college coach turned mediocre NFL coach who rode Jimmy Johnson’s afterglow to a Super Bowl victory. Looks like a villainous extra from Dallas.
Runner up: Jim Bob Duggar
 

California: Spencer Pratt

Let’s pretend we lived in a world where The Hills never happened. Nice right? Now let’s say you’re reading a short story and you come across a character named Spencer Pratt. You still somehow IMMEDIATELY know that guy’s supposed to be a douche, right? Some people are just born for the kind of douche greatness where you can even beat out Adam Levine.
Runner up: Adam Levine, clearly

Colorado: Duane “Dog” Chapman

When you’re the target of both John Oliver and South Park’s satirical scorn and you look like... that, it’s just a really difficult douche resume to compete with.
Runner up: Tim Allen
 

Connecticut: Benedict Arnold

Historical traitor douche! Also, terrible at picking winners.
Runner up: Seth MacFarlane
 

Delaware: Ryan Phillippe

He’s 40 yet he still manages to look like someone who should be selling Adderall at a prep school somewhere.
Runner up: Andrew Shue
 

Florida: Scott Stapp

Hate to kick someone while he’s down, but he seems like he’s about due for some kind of reality show redemption attempt, right? (Checks). Yep!
Runner up: Pitbull

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-842284p1.html" target="_blank">s_bukley</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/editorial" target="_blank">Shutterstock.com</a>

Georgia: Joe Francis

Founder of Girls Gone Wild and guy who thinks his life merits THREE lengthy bio sections on his personal website, one of which starts like this: “If life is a ride, which it surely is, then mine has got to be the balls-out wildest roller coaster in the park.” Well said, Joe. Well said.
Runner up: Kanye West
 

Hawaii: Manti Te’o

What, you’ve never been allegedly catfished into a serious relationship with an imaginary girl who you never bothered to actually meet even though she was diagnosed with fake cancer? It could happen to anyone!
Runner up: Bruno Mars
 

Idaho: Sarah Palin

She wasn't always on the front lines in Alaska protecting us from Russia.
Runner up: Ezra Pound

Illinois: Rod Blagojevich

The hair! The total disregard for any sense of civic duty! But mostly, the hair!
Runner up: R. Kelly
 

Indiana: Jay Cutler

If you’re not going to be a likable or effective quarterback, the least you could do is convince your pseudoscience-loving, ex-reality star wife to vaccinate your children.
Runner up: Brendan Fraser
 

Iowa: Ashton Kutcher

“No, I’m totally going to be convincing as Steve Jobs. I swear. I’m not out of my depth at all here.”
Runner up: Herbert Hoover
 

Kansas: Johnny Damon

Seemed to enjoy his “idiot Jesus” days a little TOO much. Probably the kind of guy who skips out on the tab at group dinners.
Runner up: Kirstie Alley

Kentucky: Billy Ray Cyrus

Sorry Miley. It’s true.
Runner up: Nick Lachey
 

Louisiana: Jared Leto

Hobbies include looking super homeless, questionable Oscar wins, fronting a terrible band, and undoing all the goodwill that came from playing Jordan Catalano.
Runner up: Eli Manning
 

Maine: Patrick Dempsey

More like McDouchey.
Runner up: Howie Day
 

Maryland: David Hasselhoff

Submitted for evidence: the intro he sang on Baywatch Nights, which is a real thing that happened.
Runner up: Michael Phelps

Massachusetts: Mark Wahlberg

“You see, I’m famous now, so my bygone days of beating up minorities should no longer count. I have a reality show-driven burger chain to run!”
Runner up: Matthew Perry
 

Michigan: Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Won’t say it to his face though.
Runner up: Henry Ford
 

Minnesota: Steve Zahn

“You know what’s really going to take this movie to the next level? Steve Zahn!” said multiple people, somehow.
Runner up: Josh Hartnett

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-564025p1.html" target="_blank">Helga Esteb</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/editorial" target="_blank">Shutterstock.com</a>

Mississippi: Oprah Winfrey

Damn right Oprah Winfrey! Doesn’t matter how many cars you give away, when you put yourself on the cover of every single one of your magazines AND launch the careers of two other douches who made this list (suspense!), you’re a douche.
Runner up: Brett Favre
 

Missouri: Craig Kilborn

There was actually a time when people thought “How is Jon Stewart ever going to live up to Craig Kilborn?” Really. It happened.
Runner up: Michael McDonald
 

Montana: Phil Jackson

Always kind of had douchebag tendencies even when things were going great, but when you’re being paid unfathomable sums of money to somehow make the Knicks even worse, it becomes more pronounced.
Runner up: Adam Morrison

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-91466p1.html" target="_blank">Randy Miramontez</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/editorial" target="_blank">Shutterstock.com</a>

Nebraska: Larry the Cable Guy

Isn’t named Larry. Isn’t a cable guy. IS a douche.
Runner up: Nick Nolte
 

Nevada: Kurt Busch

Someone even made it official in Urban Dictionary!
Runner up: Andre Agassi
 

New Hampshire: Dan Brown

Inspired a generation of bros who read, like, one book a year on an airplane to fancy themselves scholars of religion.
Runner up: Triple H

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New Jersey: Jason Biggs

It’s comforting when your terribleness at social media dovetails so nicely with the terribleness of your screen presence (cue Orange Is the New Black fans pleased with his absence from season three nodding). Launched his career via mashing his genitalia with baked goods and simulating premature ejaculation.
Runner up: John Travolta
 

New Mexico: Adrian Grenier

#TheBoysAreBack
Runner up: Hank Baskett

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-4826p1.html" target="_blank">Albert H. Teich</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/editorial" target="_blank">Shutterstock.com</a>

New York: Donald Trump

Needs no douchesplanation. Would be a STRONG contender for the top spot if these were being ranked. Constantly raising his douche game when you think he can't possibly top himself. One of the few famous people sensitive enough that he might actually respond to this.
Runner up: Tom Cruise
 

North Carolina: Vince McMahon

There's quite a bit of douchebaggery going on in the WWE, but one man presides over it all.
Runner up: Gallagher
 

North Dakota: Josh Duhamel

He actually seems kinda cool despite having an incredibly handsome, somewhat punchable face, but honestly, the douche-pickings are just as scarce in North Dakota as everything else.
Runner up: Um, Darin Erstad? Sure!

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Ohio: Dr. Oz

Oprah-backed peddler of occasionally suspect medical advice. Not a wizard.
Runner up: Guy Fieri
 

Oklahoma: Dr. Phil

Oprah-backed peddler of occasionally suspect psychological advice. Kind of a doctor. Winner of a douche death match with Skip Bayless.
Runner up: Skip Bayless, of course
 

Oregon: Chael Sonnen

When you’re known in UFC circles as kind of a douchebag, you’re bringing it.
Runner up: Tonya Harding
 

Pennsylvania: Bill Cosby

Every time Bill Cosby hears the phrase “The proof is in the pudding,” he throws out all the pudding in his house.
Runner up: Kobe Bryant
 

Rhode Island: Dicky Barrett

Not ringing a bell? You may know him as the guy who helped convince high school kids that ska was a thing again in the ‘90s while singing like he was gargling bleach. Whereabouts unknown.
Runner up: Richard Hatch
 

South Carolina: Tyler Florence

He always seems just a little too pleased with himself when he’s slicing into a rib roast or zesting a lemon or whatever the hell else he’s doing.
Runner up: Strom Thurmond
 

South Dakota: Brock Lesnar

Luckily he’s too busy growing a third forehead to read this.
Runner up: Pat O'Brien

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-517963p1.html" target="_blank">Denis Makarenko</a>&nbsp;/&nbsp;<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/editorial" target="_blank">Shutterstock.com</a>

Tennessee: Quentin Tarantino

This has nothing to do with his readily apparent foot fetish and everything to do with his voice and face.
Runner up: Kenny Chesney
 

Texas: Lance Armstrong

The once mighty champion and plastic bracelet peddler now reduced to having his lady friends lie for him about traffic accidents.
Runner up: Chris Bosh
 

Utah: Donny Osmond

How were there not more child stars on this list?
Runner up: Marie Osmond
 

Vermont: Stephen Douglas

If you’re primarily remembered for arguing with Lincoln about slavery, that’s not the best of legacies.
Runner up: Ted Bundy
 

Virginia: Chris Brown

If this were to get converted into a bracket, Chris Brown is a no-doubt one seed.
Runner up: Jason Mraz 
 

Washington: Kenny G

Massively popular in China! In America? Still a douche.
Runner up: Macklemore

<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-564025p1.html" target="_blank">Helga Esteb</a> / <a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/editorial" target="_blank">Shutterstock.com</a>

West Virginia: Brad Paisley

For a while there everyone thought “Accidental Racist,” his touching collab with LL Cool J, would be just the salve to heal a wounded nation. Oh wait. No one thought that. Ever. Except Brad Paisley.
Runner up: Nick Saban
 

Wisconsin: Kato Kaelin

Just think, if OJ hadn’t (probably!) killed his wife, Kato wouldn’t have become famous enough to grace national lists of douches many years later. Also “Kaelin appeared on the first episode of the Fox sketch comedy MADtv” is one of the most ‘90s sentences ever written. Thanks Wikipedia!
Runner up: Jon Gosselin
 

Wyoming: Jackson Pollock

Spare everyone the fancy art speak, you were just throwing shit against the wall. Or on the floor, as the case may have been. Also, RIP.
Runner up: Chris Cooley

Deputy Editor Matt Lynch tries his best not to be a douchebag, even if writing listicles about other douchebags does feel a bit douchey. Berate his choices @MLynchChi.