TipThePizzaGuy.com is a very practical website with tips (heyyyy) on how to properly handle interactions with pizza delivery guys -- when to tip, what to tip, other things about tips because pizza guys are poor and don't care who knows, etc. But the secret gold mine it hides is its Delivery Stories section, which chronicles tales running the pepperoni-lined gamut from shocking, to terrifying, to transvestite. Read up on the greatest hits below, and realize Patrick Dempsey and extra anchovies are like, really boring
Pizza My Face
The Story Says: Driver delivers to a house at the end of a long driveway. Woman who is 20yrs old answers door in a black, see-through lingerie top, and no bottom. Through open door, driver sees man, fully naked, lying on floor. Woman pays, and as door swings shut, driver sees her grab a slice of pizza, approach naked man, smear pizza all over man's face, and proceed to lick it off.
Notable Quotes: "Ew, ew, ew."
We Say: Perfect woman? Perfect woman
My Best Friend's Girl
The Story Says: Driver delivers to fourth floor of a Hilton. Attractive blonde in "a spaghetti strap black dress, makeup, and nice-smelling perfume" opens door. Driver hands over pizza. Woman pays, and tips handsomely. Woman calls driver by his little-known nickname. Driver recognizes decidedly male voice as THAT OF HIS BEST FRIEND, DAVE. Dave explains that he likes to dress up like a woman. Dave's wife appears, and explains that this side of Dave is Danielle, her lesbian lover. Wife hugs driver, Dave shakes driver's hand. Driver leaves them to enjoy their "'girls' night".
Notable Quotes: "Now Dave is tall but very slender which will factor into the story, always had smooth skin, and not a lot of body hair or much beard growth..."
We Say: Your best friend? Really
The Story Says: Driver delivers to a house at the edge of delivery range, and sees a "family of Asians" (a crucial detail, no doubt) gathered around "something". As he approaches with pizzas, family members scatter, revealing a 400lb pig. He asks if they ordered pizza, and the man of the house slices the pig open from "neck to crotch". Gruesomeness ensues, driver plays it cool. Some family members apologize and ask driver to return after his shift for a "pig feast". Driver declines, and gets the hell out of there.
Notable Quotes: "It was a cold day so the pig's guts tumbled out in a huge steamy mess."
We Say: Here's a tip: never turn down a pig feast, tumbling pig guts be damned.