“I was talking to a dude at a party who was 26 years old and had a 3-year-old son. Then, a few minutes later, I overheard him telling a group of people this story about how a week earlier he tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. And I said, 'Whoa, you can't be a father and fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese!' Once you have a kid, the macaroni and cheese fucking days are over.
"And he's sitting here telling people stories like, 'Yeah, then I put the condom on.' And I was like, 'What'd you put the condom on for?' And he's like, 'I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick' as if that were a totally reasonable thing to say. As if I was the weird one for even bringing up the question. Yeah, me. The guy not fucking macaroni.”
-- Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious
“I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.”
-- as Tom Haverford on Parks and Recreation