The Funniest Things Aziz Ansari's Said About Food

Published On 10/07/2015 Published On 10/07/2015
Aziz Ansari
Brent N. Clarke/ FilmMagic/ Getty Images

Aziz Ansari recently released a book called Modern Romance about the challenges relationships face in the 21st century, but his pure and uncomplicated relationship with food is going as strong as ever. He loves his girlfriend, too, probably. But mostly food. From his character Tom Haverford's food obsession on Parks and Recreation to his real-life food obsession chronicled in his stand-up and on Instagram, Aziz has a lot of smart, funny things to say about that stuff you consume in order to live. Here are Aziz's funniest quips about food.

Flickr/Timothy Krause

β€œIt was quicker for my dad to find a wife than it is for me to decide where to eat dinner.”
-- speaking to Time

β€œ'Zerts' are what I call desserts. 'Tray-trays' are entrees. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blasterz' with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes 'big ol' cookies.' I call noodles 'long-ass rice.' Fried chicken is 'fry fry chicky chick.' Chicken Parm is 'chicky chicky Parm Parm.' Chicken cacciatore? 'Chicky catch.' I call eggs 'pre-birds' or 'future birds.' Root beer is 'super water.' Tortillas are 'bean blankets.' And I call forks 'food rakes.'”
-- as Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation

β€œYou can’t say your favorite kind of cake is birthday cake. That’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.”
-- as Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation

Ozgur Coskun/iStock

β€œI was talking to a dude at a party who was 26 years old and had a 3-year-old son. Then, a few minutes later, I overheard him telling a group of people this story about how a week earlier he tried to have sex with a bowl of macaroni and cheese. And I said, 'Whoa, you can't be a father and fuck a bowl of macaroni and cheese!' Once you have a kid, the macaroni and cheese fucking days are over.

"And he's sitting here telling people stories like, 'Yeah, then I put the condom on.' And I was like, 'What'd you put the condom on for?' And he's like, 'I'm not trying to get cheese all over my dick' as if that were a totally reasonable thing to say. As if I was the weird one for even bringing up the question. Yeah, me. The guy not fucking macaroni.”
-- Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious

β€œI want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.”
-- as Tom Haverford on Parks and Recreation

β€œI grew up in South Carolina. And whenever I tell people that, they go, 'Oh no! But it's so racist there. And your skin is brown! How did you survive?' And sure, certain parts of South Carolina can be pretty racist. More racist than other parts of the country. But what these people forget is that the food there is delicious. So growing up in South Carolina's kinda like, 'Oh, did that guy just say the n-word? Ooo, fried chicken and biscuits! Never mind!'”
-- Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious

β€œI went to a place recently that I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this is a place of American excess, American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery.

"If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go apeshit with it. They're just slamming brownies and gummy bears -- just hammering it in there. Whatever fat people want in there. Snickers bar! Cheeseburger! Let me fuck a Butterfinger into there for you!”
-- Aziz Ansari: Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening

"My [adult film] script would be like, 'Alright, you pick up this girl in Los Angeles, and you drop her off at this restaurant called Animal. And she orders the hamachi tostada, the poutine, the rabbit legs, and the strawberry poundcake. And they bring her everything and she goes, β€œOh my God, this looks so good. And she eats everything, there's not a bite left. And she's like, 'Wow, that was delicious. Maybe the best meal I've had all year.' RealLifeDickParty.com!”
-- Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious

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Lee Breslouer is a senior writer for Thrillist, and once saw Aziz perform in a basement. Follow him to celebrity worship at: @LeeBreslouer.



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