Photo courtesy of TriStar PicturesEach week, Thrillist's crack team of scientists is doing extensive research so you know exactly how many pre-show beers you'll need to make the most of your time at the multiplex. This week, it'll depend on how prone you are to peeing yourself when people get ripped apart.
Who's in it: Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, chainsaws, boomsticks
What it is: A remake of Sam Raimi's notoriously nasty cult film, in which a group of friends heads to a beat-up cabin, finds the Book of the Dead, decides not to leave, and is terrorized by demons. Raimi re-made his film as a slapstick comedy with Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn. This is not a comedy… unless chainsaw dismemberment makes you giggle.
Beerometer rating: 2 That "2" is for people who know what they're getting into, which is a movie that starts off gruesome and gets more vicious as moments pass: crowbars, box cutters, nail guns, broken glass, chainsaws, and everything else in the tool shed manage to go inside people. If that's not your bag, and you're still stuck, bump that rating up to 7 beers and hope for the best. Regardless, even hardcore horror fans are gonna want a shot or two after. It's that rowdy
Jurassic Park 3D
Who's in it: Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern, Newman, Raptors that aren't Canadian, T-Re
What it is: You know the drill, but now you can watch your favorite scenes from childhood in another dimension. Behold Samuel L. Jackson typing, Jeff Goldblum talking chaos theory, and long discussions of the morality of cloning… IN 3D! Oh, and there's something about dinosaurs, maybe… it's been a while.
Beerometer rating: 2 Too many drinks, and that 3D's going to get pretty blurry. Plus, JP is totally amazing no matter your BAC. Just sit back, hold on to your butts, and watch the prehistoric beasties lay waste to a bunch of science nerds. Then hear morality debates! In 3D!