"You're in between The Rock and a hard case"
Finally. It’s nearly an hour into the film before we get to see old James Bond, whom they take from a cell where he’s been reading Shakespeare and The Art of War. They want to interrogate him so he’ll give up how he escaped Alcatraz, so first they bring in a gruff guy with a mustache who calls him "Pops," gets nowhere, and slides him a quarter to make a point. But you can’t give Sean Connery a quarter!
All of a sudden, in a very contrived scene, they ask Cage, who is there because he’s really good at defusing bombs (oh, and who had an extremely PG-13 sex scene with Gina earlier, but we’re going to skip through some parts, or this thing will be longer than the screenplay), to negotiate with Connery. He does a poor job of it, but he does manage to showcase that he is smart before removing Connery's handcuffs and asking the guard to get coffee.
Connery demands a suite at the Fairmont Hotel, plus a suit and a haircut, which leads us to a '90s joke!
Connery: Am I out of style?
Cage: Unless you’re a 20-year-old guitarist from Seattle. [Pause.] It’s a grunge thing.
Anyway, in exchange for this information, they promise to release Connery. But then he uses the quarter to break the one-way glass, just to see Leo Garrity and get angry.
Next thing you know, Connery's showering in the Fairmont suite and ordering up all the food from room service. While he gets his hair cut outside, he negotiates with Womack, asks him to shake on it, loops some rope on his hand, and throws him over the edge.
Meanwhile, all of the guards are too busy eating scallops for the first time to do their jobs. Connery uses Leo hanging by a rope as a diversion to escape, and Cage pursues him. They knock over a hilarious amount of stuff in the hotel kitchen and on escalators before they both get into ridiculous cars for a chase scene.
Connery uses his Humvee like a battering ram, and runs over a VW Bug with a peace sign drawn on it because the producers would like you to know we’re in San Francisco, then crushes a water truck and yells, "I hope you’re insured," because, above everything else, this movie is actually a commentary on the scourge that is unlicensed driving.
Other things happen -- a cable car blows up, Cage has to shoot his Lamborghini airbag and push a guy off a motorcycle -- but then we get to Connery meeting up with his daughter. Cage hangs out nearby and overhears how Connery's daughter’s mother met him at a Led Zeppelin concert and then they did sex and had her before six marshals brought him back to prison. He asks that his daughter believe he’s not an evil man, but she’s suspicious because he named her Jade, and also a bunch of cop cars surround them. Cage makes sure he isn’t embarrassed, and Connery likes that.
You know who doesn’t like that? Leo Garrity, who somehow isn’t dead despite being hung by his arm off a hotel, but Connery tells him he’s in between a rock and a hard case, and I contemplate burning my iPad in a dialogue garbage fire.