Lifestyle

Nine circles, nine torturous tunes on eternal repeat

When Dante broke Hell down into nine circles, he forgot one thing: the soundtrack. Assuming you're not going to the other place, here's what'll make your ears bleed from the moment you arrive, until... well, it's just never going to stop now is it

First Circle (Limbo): "Limbo Dance", David HasselhoffJust because it was an obvious choice won't make it any less excruciating

Second Circle (Lust): "I Want You", Savage GardenThe worst part? The only beverage you will ever be offered to quench your undying thirst will be a "chic a cherry cola"

Third Circle (Gluttony): "Fat", Weird AlIt's funny because it's true, but over time, it will get considerably less funny

Fourth Circle (Greed): "Must Be The Money", Deion SandersIt could have been worse, but lucky for you Yoko Ono is too greedy to put her excremental version of "Money (That's What I Want)" on YouTube.

Fifth Circle (Anger): "Punch in the Face", Frenzal RhombThis is probably the terriblest Australian punk band ever. Your misery will be compounded by the fact that no matter how many times you ask, nobody will tell you what "Frenzal Rhomb" means

Sixth Circle (Heresy): "It's a Sin", Pet Shop BoysMaybe if you hadn't had premarital sex with all those West End Girls you wouldn't be in this predicament

Seventh Circle (Violence): "Miracles", Insane Clown PosseMiracles won't save you from the assy onslaught of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J. Well maybe "f***ing magnets" could, if only you knew how they worked

Eight Circle (Fraud): "Smoke and Mirrors", GotyeStarting off with the line "you're a fraud and you know it", this song is so senselessly oppressive you'll actually find yourself wishing for that other Gotye song. And wishing, and wishing..

Ninth Circle (Treachery): "See Thru", StaindNaturally from the album Tormented, this nü-metal agony-anthem has Aaron Lewis admitting "Alone, no one to blame but me", but then blaming the hell out of everyone

Betrayed, You left me here for dead Betrayed, By the voices in my head Betrayed, left me out in the rain Betrayed, nothing left but pain

It's almost like he's singing about you.