When Dante broke Hell down into nine circles, he forgot one thing: the soundtrack. Assuming you're not going to the other place, here's what'll make your ears bleed from the moment you arrive, until... well, it's just never going to stop now is it
First Circle (Limbo): "Limbo Dance", David Hasselhoff
Just because it was an obvious choice won't make it any less excruciating
Second Circle (Lust): "I Want You", Savage Garden
The worst part? The only beverage you will ever be offered to quench your undying thirst will be a "chic a cherry cola"
Third Circle (Gluttony): "Fat", Weird Al
It's funny because it's true, but over time, it will get considerably less funny
Fourth Circle (Greed): "Must Be The Money", Deion Sanders
It could have been worse, but lucky for you Yoko Ono is too greedy to put her excremental version of "Money (That's What I Want)" on YouTube.
Fifth Circle (Anger): "Punch in the Face", Frenzal Rhomb
This is probably the terriblest Australian punk band ever. Your misery will be compounded by the fact that no matter how many times you ask, nobody will tell you what "Frenzal Rhomb" means
Sixth Circle (Heresy): "It's a Sin", Pet Shop Boys
Maybe if you hadn't had premarital sex with all those West End Girls you wouldn't be in this predicament
Seventh Circle (Violence): "Miracles", Insane Clown Posse
Miracles won't save you from the assy onslaught of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J. Well maybe "f***ing magnets" could, if only you knew how they worked
Eight Circle (Fraud): "Smoke and Mirrors", Gotye
Starting off with the line "you're a fraud and you know it", this song is so senselessly oppressive you'll actually find yourself wishing for that other Gotye song. And wishing, and wishing..
Ninth Circle (Treachery): "See Thru", Staind
Naturally from the album Tormented, this nü-metal agony-anthem has Aaron Lewis admitting "Alone, no one to blame but me", but then blaming the hell out of everyone
Betrayed, You left me here for dead
Betrayed, By the voices in my head
Betrayed, left me out in the rain
Betrayed, nothing left but pain
It's almost like he's singing about you.