Hello, new friends. Welcome to your one and only home for the next 10 weeks. This is BatchSlap, a formidable Bachelor recap internet product Chris Harrison once called “huh?” For years, BatchSlap was here. Now, BatchSlap is here. Come back every week of this Bachelor season, and ye shall be rewarded with ever more BatchSlap.
For the first episode of every season, I avoid chronicling the plot of the show, because there isn't one. Instead, I provide a brutally critical assessment of people based on 1 to 4 minutes of screen time. As always, ONLY the girls who got a rose get run down here, which means I don't have anything to say about the girl who brought the horse, except that I simply canter believe she didn't make it. Let's go!
The only reality TV host to ever bang Justin Bieber’s mom has a new look this season: dark-on-dark pinstriped suit, and a shimmering (still skinny, thank god) tie. He looks like a pit boss at the second best casino/resort in Reno.
Just when you thought Ben couldn't get any more boring, they force him to carry two hours of network television programming on the weekly, and reveal he's a software salesman. This guy could sell Windows 95 to a millennial eskimo wearing ketchup-covered gloves, itellya! We get some footage of him shooting baskets at the Indiana farmhouse he grew up in, and he's honestly got a very nice form to the jumper. I like this until he later goes to his parents' actual house, which is a very non-farm condo with a pontoon boat docked behind it, and we’re left to wonder whose dusty backyard Ben snuck into, to prove he’s from a place with wholesome farms.
In preparation to be sexy, they gave him a haircut that does a very fine job of making it look like he has a toupee, which is one I’ve never seen before. I guess the idea is trick the ladies into thinking you’re wearing a rug, and when they go to grab it right when the onion rings come out at dinner, as all women love to do, he’s all, “Nope! It’s real yo!!” and the girl becomes even more impressed with him.
Some other things we learn about Ben:
- He had his first kiss at a local movie theater, and then the chick smartly broke up with him that very night.
- He can palm two basketballs at once and hold them out sideways like he was the naked guy on the Voyager space probe, except NASA wanted to let the aliens know about basketball. Which would’ve made sense, because, Space Jam.
- He’s looking for someone who believes in small town values. Well let me tell you, one time I got a pair of insulated work gloves at a Blain’s Farm & Fleet in Grand Island, Nebraska, for $2.99. $2.99!! Despite this value, I will not marry Ben.
- He continues to fear he is unlovable, which seems to have quite a bit of grounding.
- He leans against trees mad good.