Hello, new friends. Welcome to your one and only home for the next 10 weeks. This is BatchSlap, a formidable Bachelor recap internet product Chris Harrison once called “huh?” For years, BatchSlap was here. Now, BatchSlap is here. Come back every week of this Bachelor season, and ye shall be rewarded with ever more BatchSlap.
For the first episode of every season, I avoid chronicling the plot of the show, because there isn't one. Instead, I provide a brutally critical assessment of people based on 1 to 4 minutes of screen time. As always, ONLY the girls who got a rose get run down here, which means I don't have anything to say about the girl who brought the horse, except that I simply canter believe she didn't make it. Let's go!