The BatchSlap Bachelor Recap, Episode 3: Olivia's Cankles Tell All
Read our live recap of The Bachelor Season 21 premiere that will update throughout the night!
Last week, Ben made out with a bunch of people, LB kicked herself off in incredibly boring fashion, Kevin Hart proved that everything is hilarious if you talk really fast AND ALSO LOUDER THAN THE SURROUNDING PEOPLE, and Lace told the world that her brothers hate her because she has dork-looks. Not a terrible episode, when you add it all up.
This week, we discover -- during one of those scenes in which all the girls sit around hungover wearing Lululemons and no makeup when Ben comes in to pick up one of them for a solo date -- that Olivia looks very, very different without colors smeared all over her face. She somehow manages to look less like an alien lizardperson, and more like a regular person-person. Unless that's just what her and her overlords want us to think, and the lack of makeup actually IS the makeup, and she will still eventually enslave us all.
The First Solo Date: Lauren B
All we know so far about Lauren B, essentially, is that she doesn't tolerate going to the bathroom while the fasten seatbelt sign is on, even if you really have to go. Rules are rules and you had plenty of time to pee in the terminal! But we should be primed to find out a lot more, as her and Ben...fly! In a plane! This is original.
But this plane isn't one of those silly two-winged planes that most commercial airlines have foolishly placed their trust in. Oh no, this is a biplane with four whole wings! Or maybe two sets of two wings? One of those is right. This thing is straight out of The Rocketeer, the greatest movie ever to star Timothy Dalton as a charming Nazi saboteur who bangs Jennifer Connelly only for information, and also a guy nobody ever heard from again as Handsome Pilot Cliff Secord. They fly over Chris Harrison's house as they make out, and all the other girls get jealous. Probably because they presume she's making out with Cliff Secord.
Most times throughout aviation history, when a biplane landed, it did so directly next to a working hot tub in the middle of a field. This instance is no different. I'm pretty sure Jacuzzi is sponsoring this season and seeing just how many ridiculous places they can put people in a hot tub, presumably to promote the concept of hot tub versatility. In what formerly unthinkable location will they put a hot tub next? Atop the Leaning Tower of Pisa? In the center of Stonehenge? Next to a pool that's been peed in three times in the 45 minutes, at a Holiday Inn???
Eventually they end up at what would've been a very nice dinner if they remembered to install a hot tub, and Lauren B tells Ben about how her Dad likes to keep a really tight yard. Also, her dad is the nicest, kindest, most sensitive person to ever push a topdressing mulch spreader. She's got some real daddy issues, but...the good kind? If Ben can't whack a weed with fury and aplomb, he might be in trouble, though. He then, naturally, counters her tales of yard work with a story about how his dad just had a triple bypass and yet the producers won't let Ben talk to him on the phone.
This leads Lauren B to do the only thing any normal person would do: shout that she wants to meet his family in the twelfth sentence she ever says to him. But really, the truly frightening thing here is how normal she is, and how frustratingly un-awkward their conversations are. She kinda just seems like...a nice girl? So is, I'm sure, our unheard-of musical performer Lucy Angel, who, it turns out is not one girl with a made-up last name, but in fact two girls with made up last names, plus their mom. Interesting setup. But hey, they've played the Zhangjiajie International Country Music Week in China's Hunan Province, so you know they've got talent. Lauren B gets the rose, and if things keep going like this, we might have another contender on our hands, as she's two of Ben's favorite things: cute and boring.
The Group Date
"Love is the goal," says the date card that goes to Amanda, Haleynemily, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, and Lace in Your Face. They all head to the LA Coliseum, former home of the Lingerie Bowl and filming site of the famed "Speedway Fever" episode of C.H.i.P.s. They're going to be playing soccer, under the keen coaching eye of...Juan Pablo! Just kidding, Andi planted drugs on him, prosecuted him, and he's currently serving a 15 year sentence at San Quentin.
The real coaches are US women's national team soccer player-people Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara, who discover via a show of hands that literally none of these girls have ever played soccer before. This doesn't seem possible. Literally every kid who grows up in America plays soccer, before deciding that they hate it around age 10. And yet we have 11 girls here who somehow didn't. I'm letting Shushanna off the hook, since in communist Russia, soccer plays YOU! After doing lots of drills in which they are expected to settle the ball with their boobs, it's game time, and the stakes couldn't be higher: the winning team gets a date with Ben, while the losing team has to attempt to explain to Chris Harrison what a square pass is.
They break up into two teams -- Stars and Stripes, even though, again, Shushanna -- and the action is honestly kinda furious. Emily of Emilynhaley turns out to be a fantastic goalkeeper, making all sorts of impressive diving saves, necessary or not, to keep Team Stars in the game, But then Rachel hurts herself and Olivia takes advantage, smoking her and passing to an open Amber for a nifty far-post finish that wins the whole thing. Sports!
At the night date, the winning Stripes get to enjoy Ben's "very" "cool" leather jacket that makes him appear to be "interesting." Three main things happen here. First, we discover that Olivia has cankles, terrible breath, and apparently toes so deformed that the other girls all feel the need to talk about it. This is all adding up: the cankles indicate that her natural alien lizard body is having a tough time fitting into her human skin, of course alien lizards have horrible breath, and the toes indicate that she has alien lizard toes and isn't supposed to take off her shoes. Second, Lace appears to have entered a treatment program and is speaking normally, to an extent. And finally, in what can only be termed a surprise, because fuck Amber...Amber gets the rose.
The Second Solo Date: Jubilee
Around the house all episode, Jubilee has had a darn tough time making friends. Now, part of this is probably because she's a mutant, and everyone who's read any X-Men comics knows that mutants are societal outcasts who don't have any friends, and that's why they don't mind hanging out with that loser Cyclops all day at Professor X's house. The other part is that she's weird, sad, defiantly loner-ish, and incredibly negative about just about everything.
Case in point: When he comes to pick her up, she calls Ben out for being 20 minutes late to their date, says "you know, it's just...whatever" when he asks if she's excited, and she asks if any of the other girls want her date when she discovers that she is going in a helicopter that is thankfully from at least WWII.
They take said chopper to a health spa in a gigantic mansion atop a hill, where Jubilee spits out $75 worth of caviar into a napkin, explains to Ben that she loves putting hot dogs into her mouth, (and then chewing, swallowing, and digesting them), and him "I don't know if you noticed, but sometimes I have trouble talking."
Then she calls him "white boy," which isn't untrue! And despite there being the possibility for more racial tension than the rope in a tug-of-war between Kevin Hart and Ed Sheeran, nothing weird happens because of it. Nor does anything go wrong when she calls Ben out for fake-laughing, and also not really laughing at all, when he is attempting to give off the appearance of laughing. He's fake, she says!!!
Ben has on his hands an irritable, hot-dog-loving problem contestant who has no friends in the house and is probably carrying a machete, and he doesn't seem to mind. Nine dates of out 10, this girl would be going home right now. But instead, they bond over Jubilee's lack of family of any kind, and her very Ben-like fear of being unlovable. Ben thinks Jubilee "stretches" him. Stretches him as much as Olivia stretches out her human skin when she puts it on every morning? Of course not. But still, some pretty good stretching.
Against all odds, she gets the rose, and they do a whole lot of very chummy side-by-side shoulder-grab hugging before they make out for a bit and Ben says that she has a lot of layers. Jubilee is like a Pillsbury biscuit that requires way more prep time and doesn't make cool explosion noises when you press the spoon against the seams on the tube to open it up.
The Cocktail Party Highlights
- So apparently two of Ben's family friends died in a plane crash that very day, but Chris Harrison still makes him go on with the Cocktail Party and Roses. Now normally this blog would never question Chris Harrison, or his skinny-tie choices, or the fact that Justin Bieber's mom is madly in love with him. In this instance, though, it seems like it could've been good to give the dude the night off. But he will not!
- Ben basically tells the girls that they will win roses if they act as his Dr. Frasier Crane about this recent trauma, so of course Olivia eases his woes by talking loudly about how she hates her legs, specifically her cankles, cankles about which many people have apparently written blogs. A quick search indicates no such blogs exist. Considering how many blogs are written about so many less crucial things, it's very sad that she's making this up, especially given the circumstances. Also everyone should read KimJongIlLookingAtThings.Tumblr.com.
- After giving Ben a very thoughtful massage to ease his tension, a bunch of the girls attempt to team up on Jubilee, who doesn't want to be embarrassed like that, so she runs and gets embarrassed by crying in the bathroom. Ben has decided that he is "responsible for the emotions and feelings of this house," so he goes up to console her. Amber joins too, but only to yell at Jubilee for saying the whole "who wants my date?" thing, and tells Jubilee that she'd better toughen up because this going to get harder. Amber is terrible. She has been on 2.3 Bachelor shows, so is an expert on everyone's emotional state at all times. Also she keeps trying to be either a villain, or a standard Bachelor crazylady, and she's terrible at both -- she just can't commit, probably because she's trying to play a character instead of actually being like that. I'm pretty done with her.
- In a huge surprise move, Lace decides to leave the show of her own volition because 1) she's incredibly insecure and this is the cheap way out, and 2) they took away her booze. This leaves us with potentially only two insane women -- Jubilee and Olivia -- to carry the rest of this thing. Luckily Olivia is capable of carrying literally anything because alien lizards have 20x the strength of humans due to selective breeding and earth's weaker gravitational force compared to their home planet.
Ok let's do this. Remember: Lauren B, Jubilee, and that worthless Amber have roses already. First one up now is...Lauren H! We're still deeply entrenched in the phase of the show in which girls that Ben has literally never talked to get the first rose. Amanda also has been doing nothing to make headway, but will spend yet another week separated from her children. Becca isn't going anywhere anytime soon, and Ben's keeping Hayleynemily around for twin fantasies and any extreme goalkeeping situations that might arise, so all of them get roses.
Next up's Rachel, the one who hurt herself in sports, and was shown very little sympathy. Caila and JoJo were also locks, and let me tell you: I want to see a lot more from JoJo. I feel like she might've realized Ben is the worst and is tanking, upset that she left her home in Tuscon, Arizona for some California grass. Jennifer The Tall Business Owner is another one who doesn't really do much, including giving Ben reasons to cut her, so she stays.
Olivia is still rose-less, and is clearly freaking out about being on the board this late in the ceremony, especially when Leah gets the second-to-last flower, and it's down to Olivia, Jami, and Shushanna. Jami of course has done little to nothing, and Shushanna has started speaking perfect English and has been rendered kitsch-less, so of course Olivia gets it. But what a turnaround from the first two weeks! This is Ben punishing her for either having gross toes, or talking about her gross toes when he required some consolation that involved conversation not about gross toes. But seriously: whew!! Just enough crazy remains on this show to keep it watchable.
We're going to Vegas!!!! Vegas, baby. Vegas. You're so money. Vegas. Becca The Virgin and JoJo seem to make some real moves here, they fly over the ever-romantic Hoover Dam, everyone turns against Olivia, and the twins are crying, likely because they fled this horrific artificial desert colony to seek fame and no fortune, and have been plunged directly back into its hellish grip. If Lace were still with us, she would drink an entire band's worth of those daiquiri guitars.
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Ben Robinson is Thrillist's Editorial Director, and really does spend his Monday nights doing this. Follow him to hang out with Ames in Gstaad @BatchSlap.