The Group Date
"Love is the goal," says the date card that goes to Amanda, Haleynemily, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, and Lace in Your Face. They all head to the LA Coliseum, former home of the Lingerie Bowl and filming site of the famed "Speedway Fever" episode of C.H.i.P.s. They're going to be playing soccer, under the keen coaching eye of...Juan Pablo! Just kidding, Andi planted drugs on him, prosecuted him, and he's currently serving a 15 year sentence at San Quentin.
The real coaches are US women's national team soccer player-people Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara, who discover via a show of hands that literally none of these girls have ever played soccer before. This doesn't seem possible. Literally every kid who grows up in America plays soccer, before deciding that they hate it around age 10. And yet we have 11 girls here who somehow didn't. I'm letting Shushanna off the hook, since in communist Russia, soccer plays YOU! After doing lots of drills in which they are expected to settle the ball with their boobs, it's game time, and the stakes couldn't be higher: the winning team gets a date with Ben, while the losing team has to attempt to explain to Chris Harrison what a square pass is.
They break up into two teams -- Stars and Stripes, even though, again, Shushanna -- and the action is honestly kinda furious. Emily of Emilynhaley turns out to be a fantastic goalkeeper, making all sorts of impressive diving saves, necessary or not, to keep Team Stars in the game, But then Rachel hurts herself and Olivia takes advantage, smoking her and passing to an open Amber for a nifty far-post finish that wins the whole thing. Sports!
At the night date, the winning Stripes get to enjoy Ben's "very" "cool" leather jacket that makes him appear to be "interesting." Three main things happen here. First, we discover that Olivia has cankles, terrible breath, and apparently toes so deformed that the other girls all feel the need to talk about it. This is all adding up: the cankles indicate that her natural alien lizard body is having a tough time fitting into her human skin, of course alien lizards have horrible breath, and the toes indicate that she has alien lizard toes and isn't supposed to take off her shoes. Second, Lace appears to have entered a treatment program and is speaking normally, to an extent. And finally, in what can only be termed a surprise, because fuck Amber...Amber gets the rose.