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The 43 worst people at every wedding

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Weddings are a time when terrible people you never see resurface, and wonderful people you always see behave in a manner you hope you never see again. As we enter into the blissful heart of nuptials season, here are the worst people at every wedding.

Misanthropes

The sociopathically (psychopathically?) under-dressed dude
Black suit instead of a tux, fine, but your Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt is really pushing it.

The dude bragging about hooking up with the bride in 2003
Congratulations on your recent accomplishment!

The people taking action on how long the marriage lasts
What’s the over-under on you guys going to hell?

The person trying to guess how much everything costs
You’re here to drink, not win the Showcase Showdown.

The person who spends the entire night outside smoking
A few trips over by the bushes is fine, but damn, someone should have filtered you off the invite list.

The off-registry gift giver
We’ll be sure to cherish this Bigfoot Garden Yeti as soon as we turn into completely different people.

Awkward Family Members

The cousin who decides one night away from his kids means he gets to relive college
You weren’t good at being in college even when you were in college.

The uncle who keeps telling racist jokes
Stop making me nod and smile as my soul slowly dies!

The bride’s parents who clearly don’t approve of any of the groom’s friends
Hey we’re not the ones who are having sex with your daughter.

The grandma who brings her new boyfriend
Why is this dude wearing a stylish hat from the 1940s when he was 40 in 1979?

The bride or groom’s dad’s awkward children from his new, post-divorce family
Quit reminding everyone that this marriage will lead to a remarriage that will probably also not work out.

General Pains in the Asses

The other people at your table
Whoever planned the seating clearly thinks you’re either a monk or looking to enter into an open-minded relationship with a 60yr-old married couple.

Picky eaters
Marriages are built on compromise. So are wedding reception dinner menus. Deal with it.

Anyone who asks when you’re getting married
Next week! You didn’t get the invite?

The guy who’s still pissed that the wedding’s happening during the Penn State game
You’ve known about this conflict for months. Also Penn State has two losses already so who cares.

The super-hot mystery woman who’s really going for it with that dress
Is she a) flying solo, or b) with a date so handsome he doesn’t get possessive when she ditches him to mingle? (Hint: the answer is “b”.)

The Greedy and Selfish

The couple who brought their kid when the invite clearly said “no kids”
What kind of lesson are you teaching your rugrat about the importance of reading?

Anyone who throws a dry wedding
Your personal convictions have ensured that no one will attend your other daughters’ weddings.

The guest who wears a white dress
THIS ISN’T YOUR SPECIAL DAY, ELIZABETH.

The guy who wears a tux when the invite said he didn’t have to
THIS ISN’T YOUR SPECIAL DAY, STEVEN.

The guy stalking the server’s entrance for first dibs on all passed apps
Everyone deserves a bacon-wrapped scallop.

The girl who starts every conversation with "at our wedding"
We clearly weren’t at your wedding so quit telling us about all the inspired touches we’ll tragically never get to appreciate firsthand.

The Monopoly Man
The friend who sees the wedding as a reunion and corners the groom as he’s trying to make the rounds with 200 other people he hasn’t seen in years.

Speech Givers

The bridesmaid who claims she’s terrified of public speaking
Yes, clearly, that’s why you’re telling us this unfunny anecdote about a duck instead of cowering under the shrimp table.

The guy who wasn’t even a borderline wedding party candidate
Thank you for your completely unexpected, disturbingly heartfelt words.

The frat brother who must be dragged away from the mic
Twenty-five minutes of totally inappropriate anecdotes plus an awkward Jesus reference and an abrupt transition into sobbing with no mention of the bride whatsoever.

The father of the bride who talks off note-cards for 45 painfully dull minutes
How can you afford this wedding if you’re this bad at saying words to other people?

The minister who insists on 15 minutes of wedding-edition grace before dinner
Didn’t we already hear from you today?

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Hired Guns

The DJ who’s oblivious to the mood of the party and gets the couples’ names wrong
Who the **** are “Rick and Belinda”?

The bartender who won’t give you a decent pour
It’s already paid for! Even if we get overserved what’s the dumbest thing we could do, propose marriage?

The fascist wedding photographer
Is there any other kind?

The wedding planner who says it’s time to sit down for dinner
It’s not that she’s treating you like a child because you didn’t listen the first time she told you; it’s more that she’s treating you like you’re a bad person.

Jennifer Lopez
Stay away from the groom, Jennifer Lopez!

Dancers and Other Music Fans

Anyone trying to start a Conga line
You are the Hitler of getting-parties-started.

The father who picked a daddy-daughter dance song that was slightly too romantic
Gross.

The guy who gets way too excited when “Shout” happens
Settle down, Flounder.

The guy who is too good at dancing
There is a time and place for being good at dancing. The time is 1995, the place is MTV’s The Grind.

Anyone who requests “Electric Slide” or “Hands Up” or “YMCA”
This amount of fun is only appropriate for Bar Mitzvahs.

The Wedding Party

The Best Man who kisses the bride’s rich parents’ butt
What’s your end game?

Prude bridesmaids
If you’re dating somebody where is he? Oh. Hey, good to meet you bro...

The Maid of Honor runner-up who can’t hide her disappointment
If you’re going to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for the bride for having to choose between her best friend and her sister. Or just have another vodka tonnie!

The bride/groom who sleeps with a groomsman/bridesmaid
This totally happens at every wedding but usually people don’t find out about it -- if they did then nobody would be married.

Just the bride and groom in general
Everything's got to be about them.