13 Things Only True Boat Lovers Will Understand

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Unless you’re that chick from The Real World: San Diego who had a legitimate fear of large floating objects, or Rose from Titanic, being on a boat is indisputably awesome. 

As a Florida native, I’m obviously a bit biased, but that said, I love boats. Boats are great; not only are they an actual vessel for, I don't know, going places, but they can also be used for any number of good-time actives. Boats are so fun, in fact, that you don’t even need to be doing anything on them -- you can, quite literally, just spend the day floating in a beer-induced bliss.

There are, however, a few things that people who love boats know more than people who, say, only mildly appreciate boats. Here are 13 of them for you to enjoy and nod along with as you read.

Also, you should invite us on your boat.


1. Beer is the universal language

Cracking a beer on a boat is the equivalent of saying hello; it’s an unspoken greeting and almost always the first thing one does upon boarding. If you could bottle the smell of a boat, it would be a mix of sweat, salt/lake water, and beer. And it would smell fantastic.

2. You don’t necessarily want to own one

As much as boat lovers unequivocally love boats, that doesn’t mean they want to purchase their own; no, many are just as happy -- if not prefer -- to be on someone else’s. You get all the benefits without the upkeep, cost, or headaches. In other words, it's like being in a long-distance relationship.

3. You’re glued to the Weather Channel/app for days

The dips in the weather directly affect your mood and can make conversations instantly flip from: “It’s going to be clear all day on Saturday, this is the best day of my life!” to “Dude, it’s supposed to storm. Why is this happening to us? WHY?!?!”

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4. You can charm a Coast Guardsman in your sleep 

"Citation Free Since ’97" is an actual shirt I own.

5. Your cooler game is on another level 

You won’t find those “Hot/Cold” plastic bags on a boat. Oh no, we’re talking about those heavy-duty suckers you can borderline fit into yourself. And this is for good reason: since you’re on the water and away from your Kia, the supplies you bring aboard are all you have for the entire day! Some boaters even convert their boat’s custom bait well into a mini fridge. We love those people.

6. Early morning wake-up calls are actually awesome

You know how as a kid you got so excited on Christmas Eve that you woke up in the middle of the night and your parents had to make you go back to sleep until a decent hour? For boaters, that excitement continues into adulthood, and it occurs on the eve of every early morning expedition. No one will encourage a later departure time. Ever.


7. At some point, you’ll consider chucking it all to sail around the world

Doesn't matter if your dinghy of a vessel can barely cross the harbor, you’ll still contemplate living on your boat and becoming one with the sea. It’s all that fresh air blowing in your face, and nothing but freedom in front of you! Or, the beers you're drinking.  

8. Anybody can drive a boat, but NOT anyone can park it

When you’re out on the water -- and particularly when it’s your turn on the wakeboard -- you’re happy to let someone else take the wheel. But remember: only the skipper, owner of the boat, and/or a competent, licensed driver should ever dock it. Docking... that’s an art form.

9. And speaking of docked, they’re fun even when not moving

This may be the real genius behind the boat. When your car breaks down or won’t start, you just want to die. 'Cause... you're stuck. If the same thing happens to your boat, assuming you're not OUT at sea, you can just kick back in the marina and crack another beer. You can quite literally be stranded on the dock of a bay, and it won’t matter.


10. Tubing is the great watersport equalizer

Someone on the boat will not be a good wakeboarder, or a good water skier, or a good anything that involves balance, and will get frustrated trying to prove he or she is. But you know what everyone enjoys that requires little to no coordination? Tubing. Bonus points for battle tubes.

11. You’ll always forget something

Also, no one will care. You’re on a boat!

12. It’s never not hilarious to read all the punny boat names

Can you handle the Pier Pressure? Oh, buoy!

13. You don’t understand people who don’t like boats

And you never will.

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