Lifestyle

28 things Texans have to explain to everybody else

There are more stereotypes about Texas than you can shake a rattlesnake at. Get knowledgeable with this preconception-dashing list, and try not to shake snakes of any kind.

Our state’s more urban than yours is
Our ninth biggest city is bigger than the state of New York’s second biggest city -- and our ninth biggest city is a suburb.

When you say “I love Austin, but I don’t like the rest of Texas”, it does not come across as a compliment
We love Austin too -- but most of us were born in the rest of Texas.

Terlingua Gentleman
David Blend

Austin isn’t the only place to find Weird
Unless you don't consider a town whose mayor is a beer drinking goat weird.

Don’t ask us if we’re part of the South or the Southwest
We honestly have no idea.

Not everyone is a Cowboys fan
Strangely, many people from Houston prefer the team from Houston.

We will never stop insisting that Texas-OU is the premiere college football rivalry
Your arguments for Michigan-Ohio State, Georgia-Florida, and USC-Notre Dame are valid but irrelevant. Your argument for Stanford-Cal is just odd.

We do think about other things besides football
For instance, sometimes we think about how all three of our NBA teams have won titles, and how our hockey team also won a title, and how in a few years we’ll probably be kicking everyone’s butt in lacrosse.

Dallas BBQ
David Blend

Any barbecue you consumed outside Texas was not Texas barbecue
Even if the restaurant had “Texas” or some Texas city in its name. Actually especially then.

We don’t care how good your regional burger chain is
We’re still going to like our regional burger chain better.

DFG Noodles
Dan Gentile

Obviously our Tex-Mex dominates, but we’re also amazing at every other cuisine
For instance, that bowl right there is full of Singaporean food. And our Ethiopian is very, very nice.

Except Italian
We are still not amazing at Italian food.

Our university naming conventions are not that complicated
If you said you went to Michigan, we'd assume you meant the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor, not Michigan State or UM-Flint. If we say "Texas", we mean the University of Texas at Austin. If we went to Texas A&M, we'd say Texas A&M. If we went to UT-Permian Basin, we'd say UT-Permian Basin, then when you looked confused we'd ask if you ever saw Friday Night Lights.

Texan on motorcycle
David Blend

We didn’t ride horses to school, and we don’t all drive pickups
For some topical transpo humor, try making fun of our SUV addiction or mass transit systems.

We didn’t grow up using outhouses either
We might have used a Port-O-Let at H.O.R.D.E. ‘96 though.

We say “y’all” because it’s more pleasing to the ear than “you guys”
And also less sexist!

We don’t really get Marfa
But we’re very proud that people with significant standing in the international arts community assure us that they get it.

Gulf Oil Drum
Paula Blend

Not everyone is in the oil business
Sure, we used to be overly dependent on oil -- and Massachusetts used to be overly dependent on whaling.

Don’t expect every bar you walk into will be a country-western dance hall
And expect many bars that are country-western dance halls to also play Katy Perry. Unless you're in Bandera -- Bandera is the most Texas place in Texas.

Not every notable Texan is a country musician
In fact, some notable Texans are Patrick Swayze.

Some of our most notable country musicians aren’t as noted as they deserve to be
To really impress us, tell us how much you love this Guy.

The images the networks flash of Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio during sporting events generally have nothing to do with Dallas, Houston, or San Antonio
Case in point: the only part of Dallas that has steers is Fort Worth.

Dallas and Ft. Worth are further apart than you think
This isn’t Minneapolis-St. Paul -- these are legitimately two different cities. Don’t be surprised when you book a hotel in one and discover you can’t walk to the other.

Everything’s farther apart than you think
From Texarkana, it’d take you just as long to drive to Chicago as it would to drive to El Paso.

Our taxis don’t just show up like some kind of magical flying horse
You have to call them.

It doesn’t matter how hot it is, we will tell you we’ve seen hotter
We might also add something like “and that was in full pads on Astroturf.”

Snow in Dallas
David Blend

Yes, we are lousy at driving on snow and ice
Most people are lousy at things they only do once every three years. (Note: this does not include the Panhandle, where it gets cold as hell.)

When we say “Don’t mess with Texas”, we really mean it
But not in the way you think -- DMWT is a long-running anti-litter campaign that successfully reduced trash on Texas highways by 72%.

When we say “Texas secede!”, we don’t really mean it
Okay, actually a lot of Texans really do mean it. But even if we do become a foreign country, you should still come visit -- our barbecue will be worth the passport stamp.
 

Burning Question: Can Texas chili have beans in it?
A) Hell no, or B) I'll put whatever I want in my chili.