Uber Confessions: The Weirdest Lines Overheard by Uber Drivers
It's 2am and you're getting a ride back from the bar via Uber, everyone's favorite ridesharing app (unless a Lyft is closer). And since it's late and you've knocked a couple back, you're talking freely into your phone and to your date next to you. Hell, you're even talking to your driver as if it's a private conversation between you and your therapist. But your driver doesn't recognize confidentiality, and, while he could just end his night by going to a bar and telling his friends the worst stuff you've been saying, instead he's tweeting it on @UberPassengers. This is your Uber driver's revenge for having to listen to your crap.
Your boobs are 100% authentically fake
"People always ask me if my boobs are real, and I'm like yeah, they're real, they just have implants in them."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) March 29, 2015
Hey, even an armed robbery kind of job is a job
(On the phone with a friend) "My boyfriend has a part-time job but mostly he robs people."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) March 29, 2015
But you also make porn... ?
"Everyone thinks I'm a porn star. Even my parents think I'm a porn star. I think it's because I have a tan."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) March 30, 2015
The Illuminati must be involved too
"Drugs are illegal because the government doesn't want you to know the truth of the universe."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) April 1, 2015
Daddy definitely went out for cigarettes and never came back
Sharing sexts does not get you a free ride
"Slow down, slow down, slow down. Check out this shit." (Passes me his phone. It's a naked picture of his girlfriend.) "She just sent that."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) April 8, 2015
It's important to acknowledge who supports your gaming addictions
"My dad got the credit card bill and he was like, 'What's candy crush and why did you spend $500 on it?'"— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) April 11, 2015
It's not the quantity of the tears that concerns me
Spoken like a man on his fifth marriage
(Points to woman on sidewalk) "She shouldn't be wearing horizontal stripes." "Right, like you're so perfect." "I'm trying to improve her."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) April 15, 2015
Crimson's such a stuck-up son of a bitch
It's important to question how you'll get to jail before the arrest
"If a police officer on a horse arrests somebody, what do they do with them? Do they have to sit on the horse, too?"— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) April 25, 2015
Do you know how Uber works?
"I use Uber so much, I'm probably sending Uber's kid to college."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) May 2, 2015
We just thought you had a friend named Jesse
"She asked me what my job is, so I told her I'm basically Walter White from Breaking Bad. 'Meth dealer?' she said. No, car wash supervisor."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) May 16, 2015
We're not convinced you didn't smoke before the ride
(Holding up a Big-Mac) "My precious, my precious! I'm gonna wait until I smoke a bowl before I eat you."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) May 30, 2015
Generous snobs are the best kind
(To me) "Are you a beer snob? When we get back to my house I'm gonna give you some craft beers."— Uber Passengers (@uberpassengers) July 26, 2015
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