His third, kind of humiliating voyage
Five years later, after presumably tiring of orphan mistress sex and snorting hawk's bells full of gold powder, Columbus set out again. This time he had six ships: three were to go right to Hispaniola and drop off Nabisco Giggles sandwich cookies, Smooth California Style SunnyD, and other very-much-needed supplies, and the other three were for exploring. At this point, it should be noted that he also apparently figured out compass variation or magnetic declination or something, which is boring to explain if you're not really into learning about the angle between magnetic north and true north, or using the term "agonic and isogonic lines". Anyway, this is all to say that he eventually went to Trinidad, and then touched down on the South American continent at the Paria Peninsula in northern Venezuela, which he thought might be the location of the Garden of Eden, because, look, it's got to be somewhere
After clearly not eating from any trees of wisdom, he returned to Hispaniola to find the new colonists incredibly aggrieved thanks to his false advertising re: bountiful riches and their own non-orphan mistresses. Many of the sailors, settlers, and religious peoples returned to Spain and lobbied against Columbus, accusing him and the-far-more-satisfying-to-say Bartolomeo of management mistakes, including intentionally not baptizing natives so he could enslave them, and also treating everyone like sh*t. To prove these claims were outrageous, ChrisCo decided he needed to take decisive action. So he hung some of his crew, citing disobedience.
By 1500, the Crown had finally heard enough. They stripped Columbus of his governor title, arrested him, and brought him back to Spain. Upon arriving in Hispaniola, the new governor heard from nearly everyone -- even people who liked Columbus and played on his flag football team -- that ChrisCo did everything from torturing people and demanding outrageous tariffs to awkwardly slow dancing with people's wives during fast songs and annoyingly forwarding along chain emails. They also arrested his brothers, unfortunately including the one with the awesome name. This made Columbus sad, incredulous, and a bit of an exaggerator, as evidenced by a letter to a friend in which he claimed, "Over there I have placed under their sovereignty more land than there is in Africa and Europe (ED: not true), and more than 1,700 islands (ED: definitely not true)... now at the end of my days have been despoiled of my honor and my property without cause (ED: except maybe cutting off everyone's hands and demanding gold-filled hawk's bells), wherein is neither justice nor mercy.
For six weeks, the brothers Columbus sat in prison, recounting the good ol' days when they could have indiscriminate orphan mistress sex and slow dance with people other than themselves. At the end of 42 days, King Ferdinand ordered their release, which also kind of bummed Columbus out, as he'd just acquired a rock hammer from Morgan Freeman's character in Shawshank.
Then, somewhat miraculously (though not for the natives), the Columbus brothers managed to get some face time with the King and Queen, and convince them not only to restore their wealth, but also FUND ANOTHER F***ING VOYAGE. Seriously. This happened.
His fourth, and absolutely last voyage because everyone is tired of hearing about these voyages, here's the highlight reel...
1. He claimed he was searching for the Strait of Malacca to the Indian Ocean, but likely he just made up the word Malacca because it sounded like an awesome name natives would use.
2. While on the island of Martinique, he sensed that a storm was brewing and attempted to go to his old hang in Hispaniola and warn them about said storm. He was denied port by the governor, who hated his face, and ended up sheltering his ships at the mouth of the Rio Jaina, while the governor's treasure fleet sailed right into the hurricane. They lost 29 of 30 ships, more than $67 American dollars worth of gold, and 500 lives, including that of the governor, who really only sailed because he hated Columbus.
3. He then hit up Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, and Panama. He got caught in another storm, and became certain he would die, writing "Eyes never beheld the sea so angry, so high, so covered with foam." He also applied for an MFA in poetry. But he survived the storm, and set up a garrison at Rio Belen...which was promptly attacked. Plus his ship got shipworms. Shipworms! Gross
4. He went to St. Ann's Bay, Jamaica and hung out for a year, drinking Red Stripe and regaling the natives with stories about lunar eclipses (one of which he predicts). Eventually lunar eclipse predictions stopped cutting it and the natives tired of Columbus and his men eating all the jerk chicken. He asked for help and provisions from Hispaniola but "The governor, Nicolás de Ovando y Cáceres, detested Columbus and obstructed all efforts to rescue him and his men" as it was tradition for Hispaniola governors to hate his face. Things seemed perilous, but help eventually comes, bringing him back to Spain on November 7, 1504. Less than two years later, Columbus died. He was "probably 54".