The origin story
Patrick grew up around 400 AD in Cumbria, Great Britain, on the Scottish border back when Britain was vaguely controlled by Rome. His Father was a deacon, and definitely named Calpurnius, which must've made deacon-ing teenagers a blast. When Pat was a teenager himself, he was captured by those dudes who took Liam Neeson's daughter and carried off to Ireland, where he was forced to herd sheep and remain ever vigilant against clever wolves dressed in their clothing. After only six years in captivity, he claimed he heard a voice telling him he'd soon go home and that a ship was ready, so he -- apparently quite easily -- ditched his master, traveled to a port 200mi away, boarded a ship, and "after various adventures," returned home to his family. It's also unclear whether the voice he heard was just that of some dude who knew the ferry schedule.
Once home, Patrick found it awkward and embarrassing to be around a man named Calpurnius, so he claims to have had visions that told him he was to go back to Ireland, but not until he was an ordained bishop. Fast-forward however long it takes to become an ordained bishop (three months?), and all of a sudden he is headed back to Ireland to convert those pagan, druid-worshipping beasts into Christians. In this, Patrick was allegedly successful, and wrote that he'd "baptized thousands of people," ordained priests to lead new Christian communities, and even "converted wealthy women into nuns," as one is wont to do.
But life wasn't such a breeze, even for a bishop returning to a land where he was, for six years, held as a sheep-herding slave. Unlike that scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts gets revenge on that saleswoman who embarrassed her when she was dressed in her prostie-clothes, putting on a fancy dress and hat didn't necessarily keep Patrick out of harm's way. In fact, he writes that, at one point, he was beaten, robbed, and put in chains awaiting execution. And on another occasion he stood trial for some sort of charge of impropriety or misuse of funds, and was forced to recount all the things he did for free, mentioning that "he returned gifts wealthy women gave him, did not accept payment for baptisms, nor for ordaining priests, and paid for many gifts to kings and judges." So basically, the Catholic Accounting Department flagged his Concur statements because his receipts seemed shady. If this were US Weekly, this would be filed under the section "Saints are just like us!"