Now that we've had five whole seasons to process the Malcolm in the Middle dad dealing meth, we've come to accept that TV fathers end up in some strange places. But there's strange, and then there's movies about vampire erectile dysfunction. In honor of Father's Day, we dug up some of the craziest parts sitcom dads from Howard Cunningham to Tim "The Toolman" Taylor ever played. Get ready to seriously reevaluate some episodes of Family Matters in three, two, one..
Patrick DuffyDad On: Step by StepCrazy Role: Man from AtlantisIn case you missed the glorious 1977-1978 run of Man from Atlantis, let's clarify: They weren't being figurative with that title. Patrick Duffy is literally supposed to be the last survivor of the city of Atlantis, making him a weird, amnesic sorta-merman. (Philip Seymour Hoffman is still pissed he lost this "role of a lifetime".) The show was canned in a flash, and Duffman later became the father of 180 children on Step by Step. But he remains reluctant to give up his aquatic past to this day
Alan ThickeDad On: Growing PainsCrazy Role: Tough Guys Don't WhineAs much as we appreciated Alan Thicke's dignified shrink dad on Growing Pains, if he'd shown even a little of his Tough Guys Don't Whine side on the show, Kirk Cameron might not have gotten hooked so hard on the Jesus freak juice
Tom BosleyDad On: Happy DaysCrazy Role: Death CruiseRight before he settled into his 10-year run as Howard Cunningham on Happy Days, Tom Bosley made the only logical career move and shot a TV movie about a bunch of couples who win a free cruise... only they don't know it's a murder cruise. Sadly, Bosley's success as Mr. Cunningham would prevent him from starring in the planned sequel, Death Hot Air Balloon
Tim AllenDad On: Home ImprovementCrazy Role: Who Is Cletis Tout?Take note, folks. Tim Allen may be best remembered as the dad you never trusted with a power saw, and he may have starred in three(!) Santa Clause movies, but he is not your bitch
Conrad BainDad On: Diff'rent StrokesCrazy Role: Child Bride of Short CreekAfter bringing two street-smart kids into his home on Diff'rent Strokes, Conrad Bain decided to up his game by bringing a not-even-remotely-street-smart kid into his creepy Mormon home in Child Bride of Short Creek. From the looks of it, it was a lot less funny and li'l Diane Lane wasn't even trying to outdo Gary Coleman's catchphrases
William RussDad On: Boy Meets WorldCrazy Role: American History XWhy wasn't Alan Matthews invited to that hyped-up Boy Meets World spin-off starring Cory and Topanga's kid? Probably because Mr. Feeny let it slip to ABC that the dude was a big old racist in American History X. Nothing gets by that Feeny
Bob SagetDad On: Full HouseCrazy Role: The AristocratsBy now, most of the world is aware that Mary-Kate and Ashley's fake dad likes dirty jokes. Incredibly dirty jokes. But there was a time when signing yourself up for a Bob Saget stand-up show meant shock, disbelief, and possibly some morning sickness. No wonder Kimmy Gibbler was so messed up.
Reginald VelJohnsonDad On: Family MattersCrazy Role: Limp FangsFull disclosure: We are not 100% sure this is a real movie. It does have an IMDb page and a trailer, but it's also the too-good-to-be-true story of a vampire who can't get his fangs up, featuring Carl Winslow as "Reverend Shields, preaching to a gathering of The National Black Vampires Alliance". So if you do own a coveted copy of Limp Fangs, please -- please -- don't keep it to yourself.