Since hackers released the personal data of 32 million people on Ashley Madison earlier this week, users' genders, locations, sexual preferences, and professions have been analyzed to figure out just what kinds of people seek affairs on the Internet (lots of government employees and people from São Paulo, apparently). But we were still curious about one thing: do Ashley Madison users ever talk about the relationships they're currently in?
To find out, we did a scrape of every time a member's profile had a statement beginning with "My wife ____." Note that the results may be somewhat skewed towards people in open relationships and people seeking threesomes (as we'd assume most users don't want to mention their spouses at all), but the results are still fascinating, hilarious, and sad.
Here are 32 excuses from Ashley Madison members, unedited:
"My wife is wonderful but old sexually."
"My wife and I are looking to be a little more adventurous."
"My wife has strayed once so I figured I'd give it a try too - why should she have all the fun."
"My wife and I are looking to meet an adventurous bisexual female."
"My wife distant again, focused on the many other things that occupy her time."
"My wife is an OK person etc."
"My wife works Mon - Fri 8 to 4."
"My wife is completely aware of my being here."
"My wife considers such things as gross."
"My wife and I just are not intimate anymore and haven't been for quite a while."
"My wife is nothing more than a roommate."
"My wife and I have an open relationship."
"My wife is a great individual, however, we were not made for each other."
"My wife cares nothing for sex, and I have about as much sex alone as I do when I am with her."
"My wife is extremely jealous and gives me hell all the time even if don't anything bad at all so I'm tired of her bad behaviour towards me and now I want to have discreet fun on the side."
"My wife is fully aware and supportive of my interest."
"My wife suffers from an inherited mental illness."
"My wife works late alot and is tired all the time."
"My wife is very liberal-she says just don't bring home a disease-of course she doesn't want to know about it, but i am sure more liberal than most wifes."
"My wife may de willing to join in as it is a fantasy but she knows nothing about me being on this site."
"My wife does not have the desire for sex and has given me permission to find someone that does, as long as I am discreet."
"My wife is 5'2" and weighs 120lbs so I would like another woman with about the same build."
"My wife knows about my same sex attraction."
"My wife is not interested in sex at all."
"My wife and I want a threesome."
"My wife is travels on business trips frequently, so I am usually alone."
"My wife and I are looking for a girl friend to help her make me happy , as my wife gets sore and cant last long , so if you are into a hot couple just new to a 3 way , let us know ."
"My wife has been very ill and sex is not something we have anymore."
"My wife and I are looking for some possible fun with the right person."
"My wife takes what she wants from life while I am left to do the everyday, mundane chores and duties."
"My wife and I are soul mates and very much in love with each other."
"My wife blows."
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Lucy Meilus is a staff writer for Thrillist. She can only hope that someone has once described her as being "OK etc." Follow her on Twitter.
Cody Kestigian does analytics for Thrillist and his girlfriend rules. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter.