The question of penis size has haunted men throughout time, giving rise to countless adolescent fears that develop into full-blown neuroses once adulthood rolls around. Fortunately, a new study has approached this burning issue from a new angle, using science to get to the root of the problem -- by which we mean it used 3D-printed penises.
Conducted by researchers from UCLA and the University of New Mexico, the peer-reviewed study asked 75 women to choose two perfect dicks from 33 different test penises: one for a long-term partner, and one for a one-night-stand. The faux hogs were printed in a variety of shapes and sizes, although only one color was used (blue) in order to minimize racial bias.
The results should make most men a bit more comfortable in their own shoes (or shorts): the ideal penis for a long-term partner measures 6.3 inches long, and 4.8 inches around, while the ideal one-night-stand measures only slightly larger at 6.4 inches long, and 5 inches around.
In other words, the perfect penis size for American women is... right around the average size for an American male. Maybe now we can stop investing in "one weird trick" that'll make our dick-doctors hate us?