20 reasons Canada is way better than the US
Most of the rest of the world (and America) looks at Canada as the weaker, more polite North American cousin. We've even gotten pretty good at playing the second fiddle over the years. But that doesn't mean we don't sneak up from time to time like Donovan Bailey and claim a few victories over our Yankee neighbours. Here are 20 ranked reasons why Canada is way better than the United States, all selected by a true Canadian. Oh, and none of them have to do with hockey.
Our money is better
Yes, our bills resemble Monopoly money. But we don't have that godforsaken $1 bill. Let’s be real; it’s super inconvenient reaching into an overstuffed wallet expecting to have tons of cash only to realize that $23 is taking up the space of $2,300. And before you start asking about strip clubs, just know that we have delightful-looking dollar coins and have excellent stageside aim (For real though -- sometimes dancers even attach a cup to their “outfit” as a coin-tossing target).
Our Thanksgiving isn't right before Christmas
Canada is colder and our winter starts earlier, so it makes sense that our Harvest celebration would take place before the country is covered in its annual sheet of ice and snow. And having our two biggest feast holidays more spaced out is just proper feast management, unlike America where literally the day after gorging on enough calories to kill a kindergarten class, the citizenry descends upon malls like a feral pack of dead-eyed consumer ghouls hunting for Playstations.
We invented the Caesar
American hangover cure: tomatoes. Canadian hangover cure: tomatoes and Clamato. Which is one ingredient better. And besides, while you Americans let your Bloody Marys remain boring, and try to spice them up with ridiculous garnishes (a slice of pizza? Really?), we stick with loving what’s in the cocktail. Nothing cures hangovers like liquid clams.
Our drinking age makes sense
In the US, 18 means you’re old enough to vote, join the military, get married, and legally view porn, but not drink. Something seems fundamentally wrong with that. In Canada, you can buy alcohol and get in to the club at an appropriate age: 18 in Alberta, Manitoba, and Quebec, and 19 everywhere else.
Canadian chocolate bars rule
The soft, flowing, carmel-y goodness of the Caramilk is just one in a long line of great Canadian chocolate bars that you can't buy in the US Others include Aero, Coffee Crisp, Crispy Crunch, Eat-More, and the bizarrely awesome Big Turk -- essentially a red Turkish Delight-style gummy bear encased in chocolate. Do lame-ass Snickers have gummy bears? No. No they don’t.
We don't wear our shoes in the house
Entering a US household is a lot like a pachyderm pen at the zoo. To Canadians, it just seems wrong to wear your outside shoes inside. Score one for Canadian cleanliness.
We have Montréal
The French and English speaking parts of Canada don't always see eye to eye but they can agree on one thing: Montréal is awesome. Think: incredible restaurants, Canada’s best strip clubs, and the general charm of old timey France. You can't beat having a slice of Europe just a few hours from Toronto.
Canada's WAY safer
Statistics place the US murder-per-capita rate at about five times that of Canada’s. And that’s just looking at one statistic (albeit, the most important one). Plus we have the best health care system (more on that later).
Our bacon is tastier
Known in Canada as Peameal bacon, Canadian bacon is way better than those wrinkled, sodium-drenched American-style strips. It’s leaner, often sweetened with maple, and not as saltily overpowering in a sandwich. Have yourself a Canadian BLT, and you’ll know what we’re talking about.
There’s universal health care
You know all those hoops you have to jump through to not only get American health insurance, but to also use it? What about how if you don’t have insurance and it costs you like 14 grand to get a cast on your arm? Yeah, we don’t have to worry about all that noise, because we’ve got universal health care.
One word: poutine
Our quasi-national dish has taken the world by storm, and why not? It's fries smothered in delicious cheese curds and gravy! America’s fries usually have nothing on ’em or, if you’re “lucky”, some gross processed nacho cheese. It’s a no-brainer that Poutine (pronounced Poo-tin, ya goofs) comes out on top.
Universally sweetened iced tea
Between the South’s sweet tea and the North’s stoic rejection of said sweetness, the US is pretty divided on iced tea etiquette. Canada, on the other hand, remains united for #TeamSweetened, because taking a parched slug of a freshly poured unsweetened iced tea is… just awful.
Ketchup is better here
Not only is our slightly-sweeter brand of Heinz way more delicious than its American counterpart (probably because we use real sugar in ours), we’ve also got Ketchup potato chips. Bonus: true Canadians know ketchup is also the best Mac 'n Cheese topping.
We own the winter
Sure it gets cold, but Canadians continue our regular lives even through the worst winter storms -- without that whole "oh no it's snowing; time to hole up for six weeks" so common in the states. That's part of the reason we dominate most winter sports (more Winter Olympic medals than any country in Ice Hockey, Freestyle skiing, and Curling!).
Canada is freaking beautiful and ginormous
With a larger land mass than the US, a fraction of its people, and 79 million hectares of protected wilderness (Banff? Jasper? Those places are spec-freakin’-tacular), Canada is mad attractive from coast to coast.
We use the Metric System
In Canada, life is way easier because most day-to-day math equations can be solved by understanding the power of 10. Oh, you need a ridiculously complicated conversion chart to bake a cake, America? That’s too bad.
We have better sports trophies
Just take a look at the Stanley Cup (hockey), the Grey Cup (Canadian football), the Vanier Cup (Canadian university football), and even the Mann Cup (lacrosse). These are trophies that beg to be held aloft and then drunk from. Can you imagine drinking from the World Series trophy, which is just a bunch of flags? Get serious.
Our summer days are longer
One of the great benefits of our Northernly latitude is incredibly long summer days. Nothing beats a Canadian summer night when the sun is still up at 10:30pm and it’s not 6,000 degrees (looking at you, Texas).
We speak better English
We've managed to retain the more proper, refined British spelling of words without sounding like butlers. That means we sound just enough like you babbling barbarians that we could come south, impress everyone with our diction, steal all your jobs, and no one would be any the wiser...
We invented the Wonderbra
Revolutionizing women's underwear and paving the way for Victoria's Secret is the crown jewel of reasons why Canada is better than the US We were light years ahead on the Wonderbra and we demand recognition. Well, not really demand, because we're also very polite. Sorry for calling you barbarians.