10 reasons why cities are way better than the suburbs

Editor's note: this is one (crazy) man's opinion and does not reflect the opinion of Thrillist, Thrillist Media Group, its subsidiaries, and employees in perpetuity throughout the universe.

Facts: cities are amazing cultural epicenters filled with the energy of millions, the suburbs are sparse wastelands populated mostly by bears, and the country's even worse! (Ed note: sigh. Not actually facts.) Those are just a few of the many reasons why cities are so much better places to live than anywhere else. Need more reasons? Read on!

Cities harbor buses, trains, trollies, bike shares, light rail, ferries, trams, and more easily accessible ways to travel. According to the American Public Transportation Association, in 2011, users of public transportation saved 865 million hours in travel time and 450 million gallonsof fuel in nearly 500 urban areas with only the slight risk of sitting in pee on any given trip. 

"But I love my car!", you shout suburban-ly. Guess what? According to Stanford, 66% of vehicle deaths occur on rural roads and non-city residents are more than twice as likely to die from a car accident than their city betters.

According to a 2013 study by the Annals of Emergency Medicine, the risk of death from violence or accident is more than 20% higher in rural areas than big cities. Yes, you're still more likely to die from straight up homicide in a big city, but murder rates have declined in almost every major city for the past two decades, which perfectly coincides with the rise of CSI and Law & Order derivatives. Coincidence? Almost certainly. It's silly to even suggest a connection. What is wrong with you? Probably too much country air.

Waffles, ice cream, a gyro, your dry cleaning, books, kitty litter, even karaoke machines -- if you live in a city, almost anything can be brought straight to your door on the same day you order it. Now you're probably thinking that, what with Amazon, same-day delivery is almost within your weaselly strip mall-loving fingers. Wrong!

Jeff Bezos estimates that Amazon drones will only have a 10-mile radius. There's no way super high tech drone centers are just going to start popping up all over the country, ready to service North West Appalachia Mountainville Nowheresberg. 

That's right: only cities will have access to these dystopian nightmare robot heralds of the end times hovering over our buildings delivering body wash! Ha!

Sure, a city apartment means less square footage to clean, but there’s still the pesky matter of, you know, cleaning. Check out Handy and book your first 2-hour cleaning appointment for just $29 when you sign up for a regularly-scheduled service (that you can cancel at any time with no penalty). Or you can enter the Handy sweepstakes for the chance at a whole lot more, like handyman services, painting, picture hanging, and the freedom to go to brunch instead of changing the TP.

The key breakfast sandwich, emergency roll of packing tape, cold cut sandwich, or weird old pastry in a clear plastic box is just a trip to the local corner store away when you live in a city. No need to get in a "car" (whatever that is) and drive for miles. Shoot, you don't even need to get dressed to go to a deli. The city deli, like college, is a safe place for pajamas, robes, and experimenting with possibly dangerous meats.

And speaking of cars, you don't need one. You can leave the monthly payments, insurance, maintenance, and all the hassle of owning a vehicle to friendly cab drivers, who, for the most part, will sort of take you where you need to go if you actually do need to travel by automobile.

According to the AAA, the average cost of owning a typical Sedan in 2014 is about $740 a month. (sure, that's down from the average of $760 a month last year, but that doesn't support our argument so shut up). That's nearly nine grand a year that you can dedicate to renting a studio apartment with only five to seven roommates in a city. Such a better deal.

A bicycle in the city is a commuting device, a day-trip option, and even a money-making device if you choose to be a bike messenger. Yes, country people, bike messengers are just as absolutely insane as the "talkies" (what we more refined city folk call "movies") depict them to be. That said, in New York City from 2001 to 2013, there was a 75% drop in accident risk for cyclists. So the chances of getting demolished by a garbage truck are totally not that big.

In rural areas, bicycles are A) classy yard decorations when stacked in rusting piles or B) used by kids to go to local swimming holes inhabited by amoebas that will literally eat your brain from the inside out.

That you can't afford, but that's not the point! Instead of just housing industrial tractors or pool supplies or whatever else it is that fills rural buildings, warehouses in cities are being converted into cool artistic condos that cost millions of dollars and raise the cost of housing for everyone else... which is totally awesome because, uh, supply side economics? Whatever. Look at that cool apartment!

In fact, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average urban household spent nearly $8,000 a year more than rural households on cost of living. Which, again, is totally awesome because you gotta spend money to make money. Everyone knows this.  

According to the Gilmore Girls (the definitive description of American small town life), everyone is always up in your business in non-urban America. People know your name, ask about your problems, and make you get involved in community activities. It's all extremely unpleasant. 

The anonymity of big cities guarantees that you can happily die alone in your apartment and nobody will find your decaying corpse for days, maybe years!

Ethiopian, Moroccan, Mongolian, East Timorese -- if there's a kind of food you desire, a city is going to have it somewhere. The Menupages entry for Philadelphia (only the 5th largest city in the US) has over 90 categories of food. Who cares if authentic Icelandic cuisine is fermented shark and tastes like the creeping hand of death fingering your esophagus -- you can get it around the block! Can't say no to that kind of convenience.

In the suburbs, heated debates over which Panda Express is the "good Panda Express" probably whiles away the time between picket fence painting sessions.

That's a thing in the country, right? Probably. Look, coyotes killed a woman in Canada, and rural America is definitely basically Canada.