During the brawl
If you’ve followed this plan, you won’t have to do much throughout the actual fight. You lost this sucker a long time ago. But if things seem too evenly matched, or -- heaven forbid -- your foe seems like he might take mercy on you before things move from “shoving match” to “manual organ rearrangement therapy,” you can help things along. Some suggestions:
- Demand that he takes the first punch. And the second. Maybe the third, if needed.
- Flail wildly.
- Turn your back on your assailant. Then, fling your arms skyward and scream “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!”
- Close your eyes!
- Do that never-lie-down thing Brad Pitt does in Fight Club. (And Snatch, come to think of it.)
The fight is over, and you lost. You did lose, right? Okay, good. Congratulations! But don’t celebrate just yet because the most essential moment of losing a bar fight like a real man comes after you’ve been reduced to a bloody welt-sack lying prostrate on the cold, hard floor. To really stick the landing, circle back around and start proffering those excuses you brilliantly arranged way back while you still had solid-state kidneys.
“Bro, I could have taken him,” you should bray loudly at bystanders while your own fluids gush from your nose & mouth. “If I wasn’t in these sandals, and he wasn’t way bigger than me, and I wasn’t so loaded, and he didn’t have a whole crew with him... woulda been a totally different bar fight.”