Lifestyle

All it takes is filling out this form

Let's face it: you do not have what it takes to become the worst-throwing quarterback ever to win two national championships and polarize the NFL. But you can still be like Tim Tebow, and it all starts with filling out an application for the Bob Tebow Evangelistic Association's Philippines Mission 2013.

This is the two-page application for this summer's trips. Here's what you need to know going in

  • Don't sweat your age! Anyone can do this, from high schoolers to widows. Unless that "W" stands for Wedded to God, in which case you're a nun and this isn't for you. Seriously, you had your chance, now it's Bob Tebow Time.
  • Scrub your social network clean. Because Facebook is the new Home, the BTEA asks for your FB address right after street/city/state/zip.
  • After "Are you interested in visiting the orphanage?", there's a note reading "Requires an additional $300". So be prepared to purchase a Filipino child!
  • They want to know if you've ever sought psychiatric counseling, so don't be crazy. Also, if you've ever had an eating disorder, make sure it was over 12mo ago.
  • "Eating disorder" probably means anorexia or bulimia, so if you're morbidly obese it's no biggie. Otherwise why would they provide a T-Shirt Size XXL checkmark box?
  • Give up drugs, alcohol, and tobacco.
  • Be ready to pledge "to willingly submit to the authority of those in leadership positions... and to respect the opposite gender with my words, actions, attitude, and dress." Even in the tropics you can't just hang shirtless with girls in bikinis.
  • Coach your friends/family before they fill out this reference questionnaire. On a "spiritual roller coaster"? Make sure they check "spiritual life is mature and vibrant". Have "difficulty fitting in with peers"? Ask your peers to respond "sought by others, popular". It won't be a lie for long -- once you start waving that $300, you'll be sought after by every kid at Uncle Dick's Home!

That is the name of the orphanage. If you're laughing, you might have a better chance going the football route.