'Zoolander 2' Is a Celebrity-Laden Nostalgia Trip

Paramount
Paramount

Have you ever referred to yourself or someone else as being really, really, really ridiculously good-looking? When you see something small, do you sometimes cry, "What is this? A center for ANTS?!" Have you been known to describe things/people/Hansel as "so hot right now?" If any of these things are true, stop immediately. You are alienating your friends and loved ones.

But if you do any of those things, it means that, like many of us, you are a fan of the 2001 Ben Stiller comedy Zoolander, and likely still have a special place in your heart for antics of Derek, Hansel, Mugatu, and their well-coiffed acquaintances. But does that mean you should see Zoolander 2? Let's take a look:

Paramount

What's it about?

Zoolander had an absurd premise: a male model brainwashed by a fashion super-villain to assassinate the Malaysian prime minister -- but it was also a fairly compact, self-contained story with great characters and a few inspired comic set-pieces that balanced out the geopolitical spy nonsense. Here, on the other hand, is the plot of Zoolander 2. Take a breath:

Derek (Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson) are living in exile because the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too collapsed in on itself two days after opening, killing Matilda (Christine Taylor) and disfiguring Hansel in the process. The pair are lured back to the limelight by hotshot designer Alexanya Atoz (Kristen Wiig), who offers the pair an opportunity to rebuild their careers at an Italian fashion show, where they team up with swimsuit-model-slash-super-spy Valentina (Penélope Cruz) and embark on a globe-trotting adventure -- one that involves an evil plot to assassinate all the world's celebrities, a Garden of Eden era conspiracy about Adam and Eve's lost male-model companion Steve, a hidden fountain of youth, and Sting as the head of an Illuminati-esque organization designed to protect Steve's living heir, who also happens to be Derek's estranged son.

Are you getting all this? No? It's okay. Because it doesn't matter.
 

How are the jokes? 

While there are definitely some laughs, Zoolander 2 mostly uses the tried-and-true comedy-sequel formula of recycling the funny elements from the original. Remember what Billy Zane was like in the first movie? He's doing that again! Remember that weird dreadlocked DJ (played by screenwriter Justin Theroux)? He's back, too! Remember how we had a driving scene set to a Wham! song in the first movie? Remember the tiny phone? Remember Mugatu's dog? Don't worry, it's all back!

Paramount

There's a certain level of nostalgic excitement that comes from seeing recurring characters 20 years later. This is why the first 20 minutes of Zoolander 2 are by far the funniest. But Derek's dim-witted malapropisms and Hansel's penchant for orgies go only so far before feeling stale. 

The orgies, for instance, becomes such a significant part of the story that Hansel ultimately ends up with not one but two dueling celebrity-stuffed orgies vying for his romantic attention, resulting in baffling “orgy participant/self" credits for the likes of Susan Sarandon, Ariana Grande, Willie Nelson and Kiefer Sutherland. (Sutherland, by the way, is the best part of the movie. Invite Jack Bauer to all your orgies).
 

It has tons of celebrity cameos 

Some of Zoolander 2 's celebrity cameos are enjoyable. The problem is that a lot of the movie's jokes rely solely on the surprise of which random celebrity will show up next -- something that will diminish its re-watchability. But where Anchorman 2 contained most of its famous faces to its fight scene, Zoolander 2 offers up a never-ending runway-parade of famous faces from start to finish, including: Katy Perry, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Ariana Grande, Sting, Willie Nelson, Anna Wintour, and many others. I would have been happy just seeing Justin Bieber get assassinated and calling it a day (which, by the way, is how the movie opens).

Paramount

Does the premise work?

When Zoolander came out, it worked as an outlandish, but still potent, satire of the narcissistic late '90s fashion industry. In updating the story for 2016, the writers had a lot to work with -- the all-consuming proliferation of high fashion into our everyday life, the rise of social media culture, larger-than-life model-personalities like Cara Delevingne, and A-listers like Kanye selling spandex lounge-wear with their album releases.

But apart from a funny Instagram gag at the beginning (which involves Justin Bieber posting a Blue Steel selfie just before he dies) and a hipster designer character named Don Atari (SNL's Kyle Mooney, who makes me laugh no matter what he does), the jokes are mostly repackaged pot-shots at a fashion industry that no longer exists. (Seriously, enough with the tiny flip-phone!)

At one point, Don Atari shames Zoolander and Hansel by forcing them out onto the runway with shirts reading "lame" and "old," and everybody laughs at them. We're presumably meant to read this as a self-referential bit of commentary on the characters' present-day irrelevance, but that would only work if Don Atari and the film's new characters were themselves relevant, instead of some played-out hipster parody that peaked five years ago.

So should you see it?

Derek's shallowness and stupidity worked back in 2001, mostly because of Ben Stiller's commitment to and the novelty of the film's premise. But in this day and age, it's hard not to feel like we're just laughing at a guy with a developmental disability. The "Derek is dumb" shtick gets old super fast, while various moments of fat-shaming (with his son) and transphobia (with Benedict Cumberbatch’s androgynous model All) aren't such a hot look in the unflattering light of 2016.

Sorry to end on such a serious note, but hey, if Zoolander 2 couldn't deliver laughs with a four-person writing team and 15 years' worth of material, why should I be expected to?

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Anna Silman is a staff writer at Thrillist and an alum of Salon and Vulture. Find her on Twitter: @annaesilman.