The 2014 hurricane lineup, analyzed & rated according to name

In New Orleans, the annual hurricane name list has always been a source of interest and speculation. You’d wonder if your name was going to be on there, and if so, would your storm be “the big one”? There was a time that being named Betsy was a pain in the ass, and these days you’ll surely think twice before naming a baby Katrina or Sandy. So, now that the 2014 list is out and the season is upon us, we’ve gone ahead and analyzed the 21 storms potentially headed for the Atlantic Basin and Gulf Coast, solely on the basis of their names. You’re welcome.

Note: This author, like every other New Orleanian, understands all too well what these storms can do, and so does not want to minimize them in any way -- please be hurricane prepared!


Named after one of the most famous kings in history (if fictional), Arthur is packed with chivalry and proper ethics. He’d never do anything so low as destroying whole cities for no reason. Expect him to bow out and miss the coast entirely. But on purpose.
Name quality: 8/10


She’s a big girl. Everybody knows that Bertha’s a big girl -- she’s been big since she was born. But all she really wants is to be loved, you know? There will be huge cloud formations and tons of rain and general gloominess, but no real wrath.
Name quality: 6/10


Don’t let his European charm fool you. Cristobal might look sexy on the storm radar, but he’ll steal your girlfriend, your wallet, and the better wine in your cellar if you let him. Batten down the hatches, and let him move on to some other sucker.
Name quality: 2/10


Nothing bad can ever share a name with the incomparable Dolly Parton. Not even that cloned sheep (may she rest in peace). If Hurricane Dolly shows up, it’ll only be to say “Hi, ya’ll!”, water some undernourished vegetable patches, and saunter off, singing.
Name quality: 3/10


He’s sparkly and fast and has a magnificent head of hair, but this guy is ultimately a total wuss-bag. No threat here, but keep an eye on his family.
Name quality: 1/10


The pleasant, but slightly reserved girl in the office is named Fay. But let her get into the Long Island Iced Teas, and you know you’ll find her dancing on the bar with her top off, Coyote Ugly-style. Watch out for Hurricane Fay. Could get nasty.
Name quality: 9/10


This guy is going to be exactly like a burrito from Chipotle: intimidating at the outset, but goes through you unpleasantly fast, albeit without an abundance of permanent harm.
Name quality: 2/10


This storm will inevitably split into two, with one dangerous side and one cheery side. It has a good chance of causing some serious waves on the coast, but that’s really all up to her manager. Probably not a threat, but still... keep an eye out.  
Name quality: 5/10


The Hebrew derivation of Isaias has it to mean “God’s helper”. Whether this is the kind and forgiving God or the wrathful one with the plagues and the smiting, remains to be seen. When it comes to Hurricane Isaias, hope for the best, but definitely prepare for the worst. Noah-style.
Name quality: 7/10


Sexy and dangerous. Keep an eye out for Josephine. Just when you think you’re in the clear, that’s when she’ll make moves on you.
Name quality: 9/10


Kyle is an asshole. “I’ll get you back, dude, I promise,” he says every time you spot him cash for his next drink, Bonnaroo tix or a midnight slice. But when it comes down to it, Kyle is just too chill to cause any major problems, and avoids expending any effort when possible. Kyle is a little storm that will probably never happen.
Name quality: 1/10


Doesn’t even make it to the hurricane staging level. Just... too drunk.
Name quality: 2/10


He’s a decent guy, really. He’s just doing his job, and he’s damn good at it. Marco will make category 3, for sure, but not higher than that.
Name quality: 6/10


“Awww, but it’s named after my sweet grandmother who bakes me cookies and hand-stitches me blankets with horses and cowboys on them!” No. Nope nope nope. Nana is a destruction-dealing ender of worlds. Nana is Satan’s best hellhound. Pack your bug-out bag and all your photo albums, valuables, and ammunition because Hurricane Nana is coming.
Name quality: 10/10


He might seem intimidating solely for the fact that he shares a name with the best, most menacing character from the HBO series The Wire, but Omar’s not here to cause problems. Dude just wants to give you a few days off from work and party right there with you. He’s cool as hell.
Name quality: 8/10

Paulette AND Rene

This pair (clearly both Acadian and married, or at least have a few kids together out of wedlock) are tempestuous, for sure. But only with each other. Look for them to approach land together, then get into a big fight and cancel each other out before any damage can possibly happen. They’ll say “evacuate”, but trust me: it’ll be a spectacular show. Note: they have a LOT of kids, and they are not to be discounted.
Name quality: 4/10


“Hurricane Sally? How bad could that possibly be?” Pretty bad, we’re predicting, the ultimate “names can be deceiving” situation. And a deadly one at that. Sally might be a forced evacuation situation, but if it doesn't come to that, make sure everything’s wrapped up tightly. This one isn't going to mess around.
Name quality: 7.5/10


Should be a total softie... unless he finds his way into the liquor cabinet. Drunk Uncle Teddy will leave a large swath of destruction and emotional damage in his wake if he decides to get dirty, so just hope Hurricane Teddy behaves. If he doesn’t, you’re in for a family nightmare.
Name quality: 9/10


She’s skinny, but don’t be fooled, she’s quick as a trap, this Hurricane Vicky. Don’t get sucked into thinking she’s not a threat. Piss her off, and you’re in for a world of hurt, buddy. Keep your head down, let her roll through, and hope you don’t catch her “eye”.
Name quality: 8.8/10


The last big one of the season, Wilfred’s going to show up and bring a lot of bluster with him, but ultimately peter out before hitting landfall. Because he’s just too old for this s*it.
Name quality: 6/10