If you’re going to carry an umbrella, it better be no bigger than a trash can lid
Remember -- back before it was raining -- how crowded the sidewalk was? Do you seriously believe carrying a giant beach umbrella is going to work out okay?
If you think it’s safe to cross the street just because someone else is crossing the street, you're going to get yourself killed
I see this all the time: a crowd of people is waiting to cross, a few intrepid locals see there's just enough room to run out between this car and that one, they go for it, and the rest of the sheep follow them to certain death (well, certain honking and cursing and jumping back in fright). Look at the traffic. Wait for the walk sign. It takes real practice to be able to cross like pro.
Become a MetroCard-swiping master
If you can’t master that single, perfect swiping motion, you’re not allowed to use the subway from 8am-10am and 4pm-8pm.
Avoid big chain restaurants, especially anything near Times Square
You can’t swing a dead sewer gator in this town without hitting an amazing independent restaurant. You’re doing yourself a real disservice if you stick to Applebee’s, Sbarro, etc.
If you think it's fun to complain about NYC while you're here, please go home
Oh boy, it sure is crowded/expensive/noisy/mean here, huh? Not like your paradise back home. Sounds like you’d be much happier if you were back there. We sure as hell would be.
Manning Leonard Krull is a Thrillist contributor and has the single, perfect swiping motion. Ask him for lessons on Twitter, plus check out BadAtNewYork.com.