5. Seventy percent of New Yorkers are sexually bored in their relationships
“It goes very deep into the cultural DNA,” Kerner says. “It really is a lack of role modeling growing up. I think it’s also about a lack of education, more than ever, especially with the proliferation of porn, there are a lot of misconceptions and false expectations. Couples can lay next to each other and be next to each other, but when it comes to sex, they maybe feel a million miles apart and might be living lives of silent desperation without being able to talk about it.”
Kerner did a survey with a professor from the University of Kentucky on the topic of relationship boredom. Ten thousand people were polled, many in their 20s and 30s. Nearly 70% of those surveyed said that they were somewhat or extremely bored in their relationships, and of these, sexual boredom topped the list. “More than 70% said they would be more than open to a sexually adventurous suggestion from their partner,” Kerner says. “But rather than make the suggestion, we are more prone to accepting boredom and isolation. That’s sort of turned on multiple levels, and I believe it’s due to lack of education, lack of role modeling, lack of formative experiences in which we are communicating with our partners.”
6. You can’t just "put it in"
To help his patients suffering with sexual issues, Kerner analyzes his patients’ sex scripts. “I have a philosophy,” Kerner says. “Almost all sexual experiences should be romantic, raunchy, relaxed, and mutually orgasmic. Each element has a role in every single sexual experience. Studies have shown the difference between male and female desire. Male desire tends to be spontaneous. Men respond to a single sexual cue. Women feel like this is how they should experience desire, too, and then they wonder why they don’t. Women experience responsive desire. They need a context of multiple sexual cues. I encourage couples to create a sex script that creates a context of different types of cues.”
Women need to be aroused. It is important to not solely rely on physical sensations, but mental ones, as well. Basically, this is why you can’t just "put it in." We really do need that foreplay. “This is where I mention raunch,” Kerner says. “For couples it is important to develop erotic themes, to be able to share fantasies, to tap into your inner ‘pervy’ side to increase the levels of excitement.”
People in New York have so many sexual resources at their disposal that this should be the place where we are most open to communicating our needs and desires. “You can walk down the street into Babeland for the latest toy. There are opportunities for sex parties. "NYC is a place where people get to explore sexual fidelity and get to explore their bi-curiosity,” Kerner says. “They can explore sexual adventurousness and openness and non-monogamy, and in many cases, with much less social judgment.”
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Meagan Drillinger is a freelance writer for Thrillist. She still is not Carrie Bradshaw. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook at @drillinjourneys.