Lifestyle

The 99 problems with NYC

The day when you go from your bed, through your commute, to work, through your commute again, and back to bed without something driving you completely insane is a good day of Ice Cubian proportions. And while we're aware there are much bigger issues out there, every day at least one of these 99 problems with NYC is directly in your way:

1. Somehow, something is going to make you go to Midtown
2. The fact that you can see right into apartments across the street that are much nicer than yours
3. The fact that people can see right into your apartment and don’t feel jealous at all
4. Also, in case you hadn't heard, the rent is too damn high
5. Noise everywhere, all the time
6. Neighbors who always think you're too loud even when all you're doing is walking around your damn apartment with remarkably soft noise-cancelling slippers on
7. $6 coffee
8. Taxis that slow down to ask you where you’re going, but then don’t pick you up
9. Lines. Everywhere.
10. Overpriced salads that you have to wait in line for. Did you ever think you’d wait in line for a salad?
11. "This train is being held at the station because of traffic ahead"
12. Anybody who does basically anything other than stand there on the subway when it’s crowded
13. How do you have no idea that your backpack is hitting everyone, dude?!?!
14. Your job gets you 15% off a grossly overpriced gym membership, then ensures you can't go because you're working too late
15. Still somehow feeling like you don't have enough time at work
16. Never feeling like you're doing enough of, well, anything 
17. Anybody who isn’t you on the sidewalk
18. Summer is ungodly hot
19. Winter is ungodly cold
20. The fact that Fall and Spring are awesome, but, like, two weeks long
21. Living under the constant threat of an air conditioner falling on your head
22. Or falling through those metal cellar doors on the sidewalk
23. People honking for absolutely no reason

24. Slush puddles you're totally sure are actual sidewalk until your entire calf is soaked
25. Pizza places that close before 4am
26. New Jersey proximity
27. Skinny Rex Ryan
28. City taxes on top of all your other taxes. Taxes!
29. Even the crappy bars and restaurants are overcrowded and impossible to get a drink at
30. A good burrito is not so easy to come by
31. The sightlines at Terminal 5
32. Beer-stealing roommates
33. Not being able to go to the good brunch because enough maniacs are willing to wait two and a half hours for it
34. Having to go to work on what would be a snow day everywhere else in the world
35. Constantly fighting with your cable company
36. The fact that as soon as it rains, all the cabs melt into the Earth or something
37. Tourists on Citibikes
38. People who refuse to go to another borough
39. People who guilt trip you into visiting them in another borough
40. The fact that you have to just stand there and pray it’s air conditioner residue when something wet falls on your head on the street
41. Anyone who has a better job than you
42. Anyone who has a worse job than you and acts like it’s your fault
43. Cash-only restaurants
44. When you're trying to get across town and there’s one of those street fairs that only sells MozzArepas and crappy T-shirts
45. Sex and the City tours
46. The alternate side of the street parking shuffle
47. Bikers who don't pay attention to traffic laws
48. People, cars, and cab doors crowding bike lanes

49. Rat piles
50. Trash piles
51. Pigeons that somehow move out of everyone’s way but yours on a busy sidewalk
52. Anyone who stops at the turnstile in the subway for absolutely any reason at all
53. Ross from Friends
54. Gentrifiers
55. Gentrifiers who don’t know they’re gentrifiers
56. People who call you a gentrifier even though all you're trying to do is live in an apt that doesn’t cost your entire salary
57. Any domestic draft above $6
58. Everything about doing laundry
59. International rich people buying up apartments and driving up costs and then never actually living in them
60. New neighborhood acronyms
61. When somebody sees you trip on the sidewalk when you thought nobody noticed
62. Applying to preschools
63. Babies in bars
64. People being dicks about you bringing your baby to a bar even though it’s like 2 in the afternoon and what else are you gonna do with him
65. Everything about looking for an apartment
66. The people at the table next to you who are talking way too loudly about those scones
67. No new brash real estate attention whore to replace Donald Trump, allowing Donald Trump to whore all the attention well into his 90s
68. The fact that Little Italy somehow has no good Italian food anymore
69. Picking up packages when you’ve missed the delivery
70. Getting packages delivered to your office so you don’t miss a delivery, then having to figure out how to get a weirdly gigantic box home on the subway during rush hour
71. That jerk with a box he just had delivered standing next to you on the train
72. Exorbitant ATM surcharges inside venues that only take cash
73. TV shows that show people living in beautiful apartments
74. For some reason nobody wants to cast you as an extra on Law & Order
75. Roaches
76. Supers that are jerks
 

77. Every single thing about Penn Station except the fact that they somehow managed to have a top-notch beer selection
78. Whenever you’re trying to leave the city for the weekend, everyone else has the same idea
79. Anybody who comes into the city and acts like an a-hole on the following days: St. Patrick’s Day, Halloween, New Year’s, or SantaCon
80. The fact that there are a thousand Sonic commercials and zero Sonics
81. Or Taco Bells, really
82. The G train
83. The sad realization that you’ll never be the hottest person at really any party
84. The fact that they got rid of the public access porn channel with Robin Byrd
85. When 666-6666 picks you up, there’s zero sidewalk dancing
86. Having to pay more than anybody anywhere else for groceries, then throwing those groceries out because you never cook and your fridge can barely fit the PBR in the first place
87. No affordable gyms that don’t seem like snuff film sets
88. That super-jacked He-Man guy seems to have disappeared. I mean, is he now walking shirtless around New Rochelle?
89. You now have to pay for a new MetroCard, and those things stop swiping way too quickly
90. James Dolan
91. The fact that the Giants basically alternate between winning the Super Bowl and going .500
92. The fact that NY1 has anchors other than Pat Kiernan
93. The fact that The Daily Show films in NY, but it’s during the day so you can’t ever go
94. Cab drivers that ask YOU for directions
95. The lack of outrage over how $17 is now basically an acceptable price for a cheeseburger
96. The fact that the Islanders are moving to Brooklyn. No thanks!
97. If you work past 5pm you’ll never be able to park your Citibike
98. No more Gossip Girl! What the hell?!
99. You never see construction workers artistically sitting on beams eating lunch anymore

Andrew Zimmer is Thrillist's NYC Editor, and he loves NYC despite (and sometimes because of) its problems. Follow him on Twitter.