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Love in New York: in the beginning it's all about long walks on the Brooklyn Heights promenade, dimly lit secret restaurants in the East Village, and all the glitter, magic, and passion that you otherwise only feel when you catch the G train at the exact moment it arrives. Whether it’s two months or six years though, all magic eventually fades. Your relationship is no exception (sorry). Here are the 9+ things every New York couple WILL fight about.
1. Real estate
This argument is two-fold, as real estate is a struggle we all feel in New York.
A. The Manhattan Radius
If you don’t know what this is, you should brush up on your NYC Dating Commandments. The Manhattan Radius states that anyone who lives in Manhattan, or the least amount of subway stops from Manhattan, wins. It’s just how it is. While your significant other may have put the effort in early on to take the C train (not even the A train) allllll the way to Clinton-Washington Ave to woo you, now that you’ve been successfully wooed you find yourself constantly making the trek into Manhattan. You might find yourself asking why. The answer is this secret loophole to the commandment: Being horny. Manhattan always takes a backseat to horny. Unless you live off the G train. You won’t even make it to relationship status.
B. Moving in to save rent
You definitely liked your SO before you guys moved in together. No one is questioning that. But I’m just saying maybe you dropped the "L" bomb a little too quickly after you saw their sweet one-bedroom in Williamsburg with Manhattan views and did fast math to determine that if this worked out you could move out of your six-bedroom spot off Myrtle Ave with the 12 Pratt students you live with. That’s when the rosy real estate glasses go on and things that would ordinarily annoy you suddenly don’t. But as soon as you move in, it becomes painfully apparent that you actually hate this human. They drink all your almond milk (without even replacing it!), have absolutely zero interest in redecorating with reclaimed wood, and buy coffee at Dunkin' Donuts. Like, regular drip coffee.
2. Spending money
You’ve probably had an awesome time in New York because of the massive quantity of cash you’ve dropped on things like rent, ALL the restaurants and bars, plays, museums, clubs... you get it; you’re broke because NYC rules. But when you’re in a relationship, inevitably one of you, if not both, is going to be thinking about things like, ugh, the future. Suddenly that $200 you just dropped on the omakase at Sushi Yasuda doesn’t make you the lovable, spontaneous, indulgent New Yorker that your SO fell in love with. It makes you selfish. That money could have been used for things like saving for that house in Greenwich, or that summer share in the Hamptons with all your other coupled friends. Truthfully, this is just the transfer principle: exchanging one ridiculous expense for another (math). If you’re in a relationship in New York, the only "future" you should be concerned with is where you’re going to have brunch on Sunday, because that’s all we can afford anyway.
3. Where to eat
Speaking of brunch... where the hell do we have brunch on Sunday? Or any meal for that matter? Every now and then a date night in with Seamless and DVR is sexy because the bedroom is like... right there. But usually you want something hot and new, perhaps with a menu sprinkled with gems like "farm-raised" and "kale." A two-hour wait doesn’t bother you if it’s going to be worth it. Your SO, however, is totally fine rolling out of bed to the 24-hour diner for a carby/fatty pancake/sausage combo and... more regular, drip coffee. How can you be expected to do yoga/spin class/CrossFit after a meal like that, and why don’t they understand that???
4. Spending time together
You fell in love with your SO because they were soooo independent and didn’t "need" a relationship. But now that you’re actually in one you realize that NYC sometimes gets in the way of actually spending time with this person. After they’re done teaching Pilates/playing soccer/taking night classes/studying for the bar/finishing work at an ungodly hour/seeing their actual friends, they really just want to go home and pass out. But hey, if they want to pass out next to you, take that as a win. New York is hard.
5. Spending time apart
As much as you love the closeness/intimacy/range of new smells that come with living with a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes you need your space. But when you live with a significant other, all of your hours are accounted for. All of them. A common argument among couples the world over, New York’s couples get a special blend. Most other places in America, if someone in the relationship is out past 4am, that’s an instant fight... because absolutely nothing is open past 2, so seriously where the hell were you? In New York? The party can easily rage 'til 4, and if you know a sweet after-hours spot or anywhere that serves food 24 hours, you can often be looking at a night that doesn’t end until after lunch the next day. You’d think a text that says, "Baby I’ll be home at 5am" would be comforting... but it’s not.
6. Yankees vs. Mets... you know, for the sake of the kids
Fuck the Yankees.
7. Hamptons vs. Jersey Shore
A dry Chardonnay or salt on the rim? Grilled lobster or burgers and fries? Cocktail hour with Martha Stewart or shots with Snooki? It’s almost summer, and you and your SO better figure this out immediately.
What’s the rush? We’re only 36. Relax. My mom still pays my phone bill and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
9. NYC vs. 'burbs
I literally have no response to this. Except that if you don’t know the winner of this fight then Westchester, Nassau, Fairfield, or Bergen counties can gladly have you. Let your SO find someone with better sense.
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