He's from Jamaica, Queens
What to expect: If he didn't show it to you already, you'll quickly discover a "718" tattoo inscribed on the inside of his lower lip. His admittedly very impressive sneaker collection is the reason for his shitty credit.
How to take him home: Start by stroking his ego. Then continue by stroking his ego. Note: he does NOT like to have his heterosexuality questioned, so absolutely NO butt stuff (his butt; we’re not making any promises when it comes to yours).
Now all you need is an unlimited Metro card, and you’re good to go bang.
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Julia Reiss is a writer and stand-up comedian alive and mostly well in New York City. Follow her @thereisspiece and see where she’s doing stuff at iamjuliareiss.com