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Dating in New York will take you across bridges and personal boundaries you never thought possible. But mostly bridges. The neighborhood your date lives in can, when leveraged correctly, provide you with the insight that could mean the difference between a lonely train ride home or you and your new friend watching House Hunters International naked while eating French Toast Crunch the next AM. This is the guide that will get you there.
He’s from the Upper West Side
What to expect: He may or may not still live with his mother. Don’t ask for a date on a Friday night, unless your idea of a sexy night out is Shabbat dinner with his cousins from Great Neck.
How to take him home: Work in a quote from Annie Hall, Manhattan, or Hannah and Her Sisters. His mother knows best, so impress the pants off her, and his will shortly follow.
She’s from the West Village
What to expect: Her parents still pay her rent, but that could still mean she lives in a $3,600 studio. She doesn’t have an eating disorder, she’s just REALLY into SoulCycle. She uses Sex and the City characters as adjectives.
How to take her home: Invite her to get a fresh-pressed juice. Ask her if she’s been to Joseph Leonard (she has) and if she’d ever want to get brunch there sometime (she does). If things start to get sexy, make sure absolutely every single light is off, including setting your phone as dim as possible; this princess won’t do it any other way.
He’s from Murray Hill
What to expect: He’s “thinking about moving to Williamsburg next year.” He’ll take you out on the Lower East Side to prove to you he’s cool, even though the only places he’s ever set foot in down there are Pianos and the Bank of America ATM vestibule.
How to take him home: Fireball shots. Oh, and tell him about that one crazy night you had with your sorority sister sophomore year (especially if you didn’t belong to a sorority).
She’s from Tribeca
What to expect: OMG you’re dating Taylor Swift?!?!?
How to take her home: Ask her to follow you, then walk up to literally any nice-looking building in Tribeca. She owns them all.
He’s from the East Village
What to expect: You met on Tinder, or at Niagara, after meeting on Tinder. He's hot enough to make up for the fact he has three roommates. His jeans are smaller than yours.
How to take him home: Before anything, get the HPV vaccine. After that, dark liquors and little shame. He’s an attention whore, *coughs* sex addict *coughs*, so make out with him in front anyone who will watch. You might not even need to make it home, just to nearest bathroom stall.
She's from Staten Island
What to expect: She's Italian, Irish, or both, with nine brothers and sisters. Respect her, or she'll light a small fire in your apartment.
How to take her home: Pick a fight with someone on the basis of defending her honor. Then hope they have enough priors that they can’t beat you up.
He’s from Bushwick
What to expect: He "owns a business" but will probably not be buying your drinks. He's really into documentary films and "authentic" Japanese food.
How to take him home: The promise of Bjork tickets. He’ll do anything for them, except wear a condom.
She’s from the Upper East Side
What to expect: You need a prenup to even get her number. Oddly enough, she’s a cheap date, since her Klonopin prescription usually doubles as an appetizer.
How to take her home: A couple bottles of chardonnay and whatever you’re drinking. Ask her to call you “Daddy.” She’ll be happy to oblige, since her actual father has been on an extended business trip since she was sent to boarding school.
He’s from Park Slope
What to expect: When you met him, he told you he was 33, but you've since discovered he's 39, which is fine because he looks 28. He loves craft beer and will wax poetic about it in a way you hope he might talk about you someday.
How to take him home: Suggest meeting up on a weekday during school hours, since that’s when his kid is gone and his wife is at work. Or just be the nanny.
She's from the Bronx
What to expect: She swears like a sailor, but curse her out and... yeah, don’t curse her out.
How to take her home: Don’t be a Mets fan. Actually, don’t use the word “met,” even as a verb. Ask her what her favorite position is, and when she says “shortstop,” agree.
He's from Jamaica, Queens
What to expect: If he didn't show it to you already, you'll quickly discover a "718" tattoo inscribed on the inside of his lower lip. His admittedly very impressive sneaker collection is the reason for his shitty credit.
How to take him home: Start by stroking his ego. Then continue by stroking his ego. Note: he does NOT like to have his heterosexuality questioned, so absolutely NO butt stuff (his butt; we’re not making any promises when it comes to yours).
Now all you need is an unlimited Metro card, and you’re good to go bang.
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