Below are two things happening in New York City this week. I want you, fellow Gothamite, to tell me which seems more significant. Ready? Alright, here we go:
1) Snow & ice are causing sparks in subterranean power utilities, which are, themselves, causing explosions that are sending cast iron manhole covers saucering at pedestrians’ heads.
2) A middle-aged New York couple might be moving to Los Angeles with their young child.
Which seems more important to your life, New Yorker? Take your time; I’ll wait.
If you answered something along the lines of “Exploding manholes?! Because of snow & ice?! But that stuff is everywhere! Sweet Christ on a Cronut, we’re doomed!”, then congratulations: your priorities are very squarely in order. Call your mom, make peace with the deity of your choice, and die bravely, New Yorker. If, even for a fraction of a second, you deliberated over this quandary, you’re either a Jay Z apologist, a Beyonce superfan, or a delusional, star-humping combination of the two. Please find a particularly snowy manhole cover and stand on it, because New York is ashamed of you.
For those of you that don’t keep up with headlines, let’s back up a moment. TMZ reports that Jay & Bey are plotting a West Coast move after enrolling innocent child/shade of nail polish Blue Ivy in a Los Angeles private school there. In other words, the closest thing New York City has to royals-in-residence might be abandoning our beloved trash-cloister for the empty-headed expanse of our hated rival. Do we care? Should we? Must we?
No. NO. NO! Good riddance, says I. The King & Queen are mere humans, no matter how many incredibly catchy lyrics they’ve written that claim the contrary. If they want to buy some land beneath Southern California’s smog-wrapped sun, put in a breathtaking infinity pool, then put in a whole other infinity pool directly adjacent to it, just to be able to tell people that they have double infinity pools... go for it. That would be the best. Man, rich people are a treat. I wonder... wait, where was I? Oh, right:
None of that would change the fact that they’re still people, and there’s a time-honored tradition to uphold when people leave New York City. That tradition is: shun them. That’s right. It’s in the New York City Code of Civil Conduct, Section Whatever, Article Not Important.
Turn your backs on Jay Z & Beyonce, fair citizens, for they have turned their backs on us.
Way harsh, Tai. Right? Wrong. Apparently, Jay & Bey are “discreetly look[ing] at a number of homes” in Beverly Hills, where they spent this past summer in a quaint little rented love shack that set them back $200,000... a month. For that matter, Blue’s tuition costs around $15,000 a year, which is a good deal for a college student, but slightly less so for a three year-old, which is what she is. I promise, they'll be just fine without us. And we'll be just fine without them.
Do I begrudge Jay & Bey for all their many successes, and the fact that they’re probably taking them out of our happy little commune? Of course I do. I am a small, spiteful, dreadfully insecure creature. Resent is in my blood, along with a lot of cholesterol. I hate our current run of heinous weather as much as the next guy (though, unlike that guy, I refuse to whine about it). It disgusts me that if/when they leave, Taylor Swift kinda-sorta will be one of our most high profile pop-bassadors. T. Swift is terrific, but she’s entirely too Clean & upbeat to represent this grease trap to the world.