Lifestyle

17 NYC jobs that need to exist

Have you ever wondered why there aren't more New Yorkers out there with important jobs like "Roommate Interviewee Proxy" or "Available Public Park Space Spotter"? Yeah, us too, which's why we put together this list of all the jobs in NYC that don't exist but totally should. NOTE: These are not actual jobs or job postings, so don't try to apply. It won't work.

Friend Who Lives In An Apartment With A Rooftop Finder
There are genuine reasons to make new friends and then there are shameless, self-serving ones. This person helps with the latter. What? Rooftop access is one of the most valuable currencies in the city, dude.

Personal Text Approver
If you ever ask yourself, "Should I send this text now that I'm four beers deep at The 13th Step?" The answer 99.4% of the time is an unequivocal NO. You don’t always remember what unequivocal means, so you continue to ponder. Your Personal Text Approver will finish the pondering for you and even choose the most appropriate emoji.

Dating/Marriage/Baby Pressure Airhorn Blower
You expect your parents to start nudging you towards the next step of adulthood, but not your peers, and not while you're at Booker and Dax. Why's everyone so eager to define "you" for you? Whatever happened to living in the now? An airhorn directly to the ear should remind everyone "the now" is keeping your hearing and savoring this drink.

Roommate Interviewee Proxy
Roommate interviews are such a waste, especially if you get canned. Apartments are frenetically leased in New York, so you can't afford to spend time answering questions like "What are the three reasons why you would love calling yourself a Brooklynite?" Shouldn’t paying rent on time and actively avoiding one another be the only prerequisites? Also, what if THEY are the crazy one?

Available Public Park Space Spotter
Free, open, green space is one of this city’s most precious natural resources. If it's sunny and 75 you can wager those Canal St Ray-Bans that Central Park, Prospect Park, Battery Park, and That Patch of Grass on the Subway Platform will be jammed with bro-tanks and ironic Nerf whistler footballs. Rather than lurk slowly past the group that appears to be packing up their Brie or waking up, you know, early, hire a Park Space Spotter, because no one wants to spend the majority of Park Day searching for a place to enjoy Park Day.

Subway Flight Attendant
"Pardon me [gently touches shoulder], you should wake up, your stop is approaching. Would you like a hot towel before you depart? Is there anything else I can do to enhance your experience today? No? Well, thank you for choosing the MTA. We hope we made your commute just a little brighter [white teeth gleam]."

Overzealous Bar Flirt Regulator
You’ve built up the courage to converse with the stranger who locked eyes with you. After your attempt to establish a common acquaintance from their university fails a third and fourth time, you need to move on. This isn’t always easy to recognize, but Overzealous Bar Flirt Regulator knows when to say, "Before you lose what is left of your dignity, let’s go play Buck Hunter!”

Empty Subway Car Surveyor
By now, we all know that an empty subway car is usually the opening scene of an indie horror short. You know you shouldn't go in there, but aren’t you always at least a little curious about what danger can be found within? Empty Subway Car Surveyor will report back with the grisly details.

Family Time Noise Canceling Headset Renter
Everyone wins. You can continue drinking with your friends at the newly opened outdoor beer garden on that family-friendly Queens block, and the parents can engage their child in a teaching moment without your needless judgment. Remember, you too were a baby. Also: patience and understanding is attractive. Only question is, does springing for the headset deposit count as your round? It should.

"Blogger"
Why aren't there informal "weblogs" that chronicle everyday life in the Big City? There's a real market for lists on places to eat, things to do, and everyday thoughts from normal average citizens. This is a major oversight.

Stoop Beverage Server
Quality stooping is at a premium and an unreasonable amount of this time is wasted making refreshment runs. It is your duty to bask in the glory of the 1.35 weeks of Spring before the wrath of New York City Summer humidity cometh. We aren’t talking full spa offerings or a menu beyond what you carry in the fridge. This server is there to make sure you don’t have to move and you don’t have to see the bottom of your inconspicuous Solo cup.

Sign And Menu English Correction Consultant
Most of us have the luxury of red and green squiggly lines to alert us when we violate Mrs. Dawson’s cardinal rules of  grammar and spelling. But if you are a small business trying to eek out a living in the crowded NYC market, you probably have some use for that person who is always bragging about finding English errors in major news publications. The technology to hit backspace on an already printed marquee doesn’t yet exist, so why be the one who chose a possessive pronoun when the situation calls for a contraction?

Health Grade Sidewalk Announcer
The corner luncheonette with the reasonably friendly staff was downgraded to a B? What does this mean? Sure, there is probably a way to find out from the Office of Administrative Trials and Hearings Health Tribunal, but that would require research and reading. Further, anything "tribunal" sounds frighteningly official. Health Grade Sidewalk Announcer is an auctioneer by trade, so this info will get to you quickly.

Recreational Sports Ringer
You signed up for the "Super Duper Casual" softball division with guys from the design startup down the hall as an excuse to go out on a weeknight. Turns out, a few teams hijacked the division so they can feel good about taking something too seriously. You want to not care, but you do. It's hard to be infinitely chill when the opposition boasts excessively and wins by multiples of 20. You don’t know a former DII home run champ who also loves inside joke team names, but you don’t have to when a Recreational Sports Ringer can be hired for a post-game open tab.

Sidewalk Canvasser/Activist Bouncer
The disappearance of the humpback whale is a serious bummer, but so is not getting to the post office before the lunch hour crush. Most of us genuinely share the sidewalk canvassers’ passions, but don’t have the scratch to donate. Even though your friendly neighborhood activist likely understands, for you, thinking up new ways of saying no is exhausting. Bouncers have no problem saying no.

Hot Button Issue Subject Changer
There is a reason you only talk professional wrestling and mainstream cinema – definitely NOT music – with your buddy’s buddy who donated cash to the person who ran against your person in the most recent nationally relevant election. Happy hour is the antithesis of the ideal setting to deviate from those safe topics. HBISC keeps the group on task by immediately interjecting when politics, best rapper alive, or what-the-best-pizza-in-the-city-is intrudes on the safe zone. So who else recently rewatched Old School? It still holds up, amirite?!

Contemplating Leaving New York Disruptor
You’ve all been there. It's usually that day when you wake up late, it’s raining, it also happens to be your turn to drag six repurposed mason jars filled with your famous mango salsa to the office celebration, and your train is stalled between stations before service on the line is halted. Good luck finding a cab. You let yourself fanaticize about transferring to another city AND THEN BOOM, your thoughts are intercepted by the Contemplating Leaving New York Disruptor. You are quickly reminded of 24-hour takeout, actual real boredom, and the possibility of accidentally being an extra in a major motion picture and pretending not to care. You are also reminded of car insurance.

Matthew Moll is a contributor to Thrillist and wishes fake job creation would lead to actual economic stimulation. Follow him on Instagram.