If this sounds bleak and vaguely nauseating, that’s because your first year in New York City as an incoming bro is bleak and vaguely nauseating. Depending on how quickly you figure out the ropes, your second or third year may follow similarly. But all is not lost, my hapless jabroni!
Eventually, you will either move to another, more bro-friendly city (Chicago and Boston both have plenty of room for another balding, banking beer-leaguer named Matty), or figure out how to stop being a bro from Loyola, or Michigan, or Bowdoin, and start being a normal human person from New York City.
You’ll spend more time in parks. You’ll explore a few museums and find them to be “kind of chill.” The tranquil beauty of Cobble Hill on a weekend morning will speak to you, and for the first time, you’ll be there to hear it. Day trips! Day trips in New York City are great, Matty, and you will take the shit out of them. The Rockaways! Governors Island! Queens, generally! God, there are day trips galore. I encourage you to obtain a bike, ride it to Red Hook, and get totally lost for an afternoon. Or at least, get pupusas.