15 Different Kinds of People You'll Date in New York City
Dating in NYC? Totally unlike anywhere else in the country. A huge part of the reason why? These 15 people, all of whom you will almost definitely date. They're all part of the reasons why we love NYC... and also part of the reasons why we sometimes don't like dating here.
The "OMG" GirlIf this girl can put down her Insta for five seconds to actually enjoy the meal you're taking her to, maybe you’d have a meaningful conversation. But probs not since every other word out of her mouth is an abbrev and you need a manual to decipher what she’s saying. When you do crack her verbal code, you discover that she loves wine, spin class, screaming Taylor Swift lyrics at/with her best #betches... and that she’s actually cray. Smoking hot... but straight cray.
The BroYou met this guy one night at Joshua Tree when you bumped fists mid-air and started making out to Eddie Money. No judgement, but... chances are 1) he’s lived at home until an entirely inappropriate age (if he doesn’t still live there), 2) "home" is either Jersey or Long Island, and 3) he has no idea what else exists in New York off the route between the PATH train and Murray Hill. After you go home with him (because you do), the next morning he will suggest you go back to Joshua Tree for a football brunch of Bloodys and all things with artificial cheese.
The Borough-phobeFor this breed, life without boozy brunch, cocktails at 230 Fifth, and clubbing literally anywhere in the Meatpacking is just not a life worth living. Crossing the Hudson gives them hives and Brooklyn is a quaint idea when Jay-Z has something going on. (Don’t even get them started on Queens.) For them, “The City” means Manhattan. Everywhere else is Upstate and/or Long Island.
The International Man (or Woman) of MysteryThis passport stamp collector is a recent transplant to NYC. They are eager to discover the city and don’t keep a tight agenda. Maybe you met them at Mister Sunday, or in the back room of Cafe Select where you both go for secret fondue. Whether they’re here two days, two months, or two years, the story is always the same. They’re in New York for the experiences. Dating you (read: sleeping with you ’til they get bored) is just one of them. You won’t hear from him past date three.
The BartenderYou met the bartender one plan-less night when you played third wheel with your best friend and their significant other. While your bestie was busy feeding fries to their lover du jour, you and the bartender mocked them while going shot for shot. Somewhere around shot number three, one of you made a suggestive comment, which was well received. Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it wasn’t more than that one night at the bartender’s place. (Maybe you actually did it on the bar after closing.) But you’ve been there, and it was awesome.
The Holden CaulfieldNew York has been the inspiration for some of literature’s most notorious characters. Unfortunately for us, we end up dating some of them. You met Holden at the local dive where he was sitting by himself, probably sipping something dark. He is in a constant state of angst about New York and the world and carries around a notebook, in which are the makings of his manifesto. His bedroom in Crown Heights has a bed, a small book shelf and four T-shirts. He also frequently forgets his cellphone at home (and doesn’t even have Facebook) so it will be days before he responds to your text message.
The GentlemanContrary to popular belief/mainstream media/any woman you ask ever, the gentleman does exist. He calls you back. He picks bars in your neighborhood. He pays for things... for you and your friends. He seriously has nothing wrong with him... and you have zero attraction to him whatsoever.
The Casual Cool Girl (who is not so casual. Like, at all.)Casual cool girl is smart, down-to-earth, and thinks that hopping the 7 train out to Flushing for dumplings is an awesome first date. Her focus on her super-cool career and alleged aversion to commitment is mysterious and attractive to you. You like casual cool girl. But as the "hanging out" sessions progress, she starts texting you multiple times a week to "make plans." And should you bail last-minute, she gets... angry. At you! Suddenly you realize her contact solution is in your medicine cabinet and a clean pair of underwear has been stashed in your top dresser drawer.
... how did this happen? You were so careful.
The ACTUAL Casual Cool GirlMaybe you met her during a meditation session at DAYBREAKER, or on the dance floor of Tiki Disco (her graffiti mural was around the corner so you went with her to check it out). She likes raves, yoga, large-scale art installations, and Burning Man. She doesn’t care when or where you hang out, if you hang out at all. She is infinitely cooler than you. You will probably fall in love with ACTUAL Casual Cool Girl... for like three and a half weeks before she loses her cell and can’t be bothered to get a new one. This will annoy you to no end because this is freaking New York. Get a new phone.
The WorkaholicYou met The Workaholic on OkCupid when he/she briefly popped their head up from Wall St, or their Internet startup, or the documentary they are editing. Sure, the conversation is sparkling, but you usually only meet up when they get an hour between conference calls. When they take a break mid-sex to check whatever message is making their phone chirp, you realize you get more personal attention from your DVR, and suddenly that’s a whole lot more attractive.
The Small-Batch AssholeTurn-on words include: craft, reclaimed, and artisanal. Why buy Vlasic in a world of McClure’s? AMC Loews? Where is that in relation to the Angelika or Sunshine Cinema? Your first few dates will be awesome: some farm-to-table restaurants out in Bed Stuy, or after-dinner drinks at the Brandy Library in Tribeca. But when you harmlessly suggest catching the game at Brother Jimmy’s over a bucket of wings you suddenly find yourself horny and alone. At least you still have the wings.
The Outdoor EnthusiastEven though we live in one of the most congested cities in the country, there still exists that person who craves the outdoors and wide-open spaces. You like them because they take you to Brooklyn Boulders where you can "spot" each other, or they whisk you away to the Catskills for a weekend of making out in a tent. But when winter comes they still want to do things outside... with the wind... and the snow. You just want Game of Thrones, Seamless, and your elastic-waisted items. It wasn’t meant to be.
The ActorJust, no.
The High-Powered SuitIt’s tough to say how exactly you two met, seeing as The High-Powered Suit never leaves the office. Should you find one, you are in for some pretty epic dates, because they make an absurd amount of money from either real estate, investment banking, or the law firm where they just became partner. But no matter the amount of sushi at Masa or private helicopter flights out to the Hamptons, you can’t get over the aggressive personality, the 15 different devices that ding at all hours of the night, and the bizarre sexual fetishes they have developed as an outlet for their stress.
The New York NoobThere’s nothing quite like a New York virgin. There are an infinite number of ways to make yourself look freaking awesome and you will impress their pants right off. They literally have never seen the view from the Top of the Standard, or had a Black Seed Bagel, or seen Sleep No More. Finding a New York Noob is a sure-fire way to guarantee yourself a few weeks of consistent hooking up. Alas, this will go one of two ways: not being from New York, they will either want to lock you down immediately because you are the greatest thing they have ever encountered ever, or they will realize that you are just one of the infinite possibilities in this great city and will leave you faster than you can say, "Please stand away from the platform edge."
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