Why everyone should move to NYC: a state-by-state guide
Lots of people move to NYC every single day (because we're the best at most things), but still lots of other people don't (because they're dumb). Well, consider forwarding this to all of your compadres who are the latter: our state-by-state guide to why everyone should move to NYC.
Because Justin Tuck (b. Kellyton, Alabama) did it, and we all know how that worked out.
Because our winters are slightly less brutal.
Because there are no poisonous scorpions in NYC. Repeat, ZERO poisonous scorpions.
Because you miss Bill Clinton? Come to his office in Harlem.
Because you're actually a serious person with ambition.
Because you miss the days when buying pot had a little bit of mystery and danger.
We won't be as hot as Florida in the summer 'til 2100. You could have many years of slightly less humid summers in your future.
Because New York City has never once been confused with Iowa.
Because your pizza is ridiculous. Just come and try ours, just for like a week.
Because we've still got a Manning.
Because you might enjoy having a rooting interest in a pro sports team. We have SO MANY.
Because you're tired of your most famous city being in Missouri.
Because alligators are terrifying -- you're fine here as long as you don't go in the sewers.
Because we've pretty much taken all of your lobster and put it into our rolls already anyway. Plus, it's too cold there.
You can talk lax with all the people who've already moved here from Long Island.
Because you want to move to a place where everyone doesn't wear backwards Sox hats and sweatpants/mesh shorts to bars.
Because your life doesn't begin and end with college football.
Because more people actually dress and act like Prince here.
Look, we're gonna level with you -- most of the stuff in here is a joke and lighthearted, but seriously, move. Do it now.
Because you're never sure if you're in the Southeast or the Southwest, and you secretly hate Nelly.
Because you enjoy having people around you.
Because you like the sound of Kroy Wen.
Because you'd like to work somewhere other than a casino or a strip club.
Because our state highway signs aren't permanently stuck with the image of a toppled rock formation. Also, nothing here has a nickname rooted in the word "trash".
Because then you can live in a place you aren't constantly defending as "not as bad as everyone says".
Because we have less meth.
Because you want to turn the tables on NYers moving to Asheville for the beer scene.
Because rent is getting too expensive for you there.
Because you're still mad at LeBron.
Because you want to go to the city that put Oklahoma on the map with its excellent broadway show.
Because you want something less hipstery but still preeeeeeetty hipstery.
Because you prefer a bodega bacon, egg, and cheese to scrapple.
Because we actually live on an island.
Because you're just not that into seersucker.
Because Mount Rushmore is cool, but not, like, "I want to live here forever" cool.
Because enough already with the country music.
It's the only place where people are almost as arrogant as you are. You'll fit right in.
Because you want to move to a state that isn't named after a Keanu Reeves character.
Because you prefer NY cheddar.
Because we have last call at 4am and you guys are pretty much not allowed to drink after sunset.
Because you're getting tired of having a consistently successful football team. More ups and downs, please!
Because you've never had a quality bagel, ever.
It totally worked out for Brett Favre, right?
Because you're tired of being last in lists of states.
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