Lifestyle

Hard times in the land of denim

Pair of jeans in Alphabet City, Manhattan
Pair of Jeans? Is that you?
Hey big man, I got stranded here in the city. I need 93 cents for a bus ticket to Albany. Can you help me out?
I...
I just need a scoop of detergent!
Pair of Jeans, it's me. Dave.
Dave! How you doing?
Pretty good. Pair of Jeans, I've got to be honest, you're not looking so great. I mean, you used to be so... wearable.
I'm still wearable. Why don't you throw away those khakis and find out?
Come on, Pair of Jeans. You know that won't help anything. Tell me what happened.
I don't know! You get as close as you can get to someone, and all of a sudden they're like "Why are you on my ass all the time?" And the next thing you know… Oh Jesus.
So Steve "outgrew" you?
That's what he said. What am I supposed to do? I'm a size 34, and he's like, "be a 36, be a 36, be a 36, be a 36...". How much can you change for a person! Hey, do you want to go back to your place? You could lay me out on your bed.
Um... no. Hey, stop me if this is too personal, but what happened to your thigh?
You're right, THAT IS TOO PERSONAL. Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm just falling apart here.
It's okay, really. Here, take a fabric softener.
Thanks. (Sniffles) Look, I know what you're thinking: pair of jeans thought it was so hot, and now look at it, living on the street like a piece of trash. But I'm going to get it back together. I'm going to get stitched up.
Have you considered checking into Goodwill?
Are you saying I have a dressing problem? Because I don't have a dressing problem. I am gently worn.
No, but the people there can give you the support you need to get back on someone else's feet. Or just above their feet really.
If I check into Goodwill, it'll be all over the news, and no one will ever want to wear me again. You wouldn't understand.
A lot of people shop at Goodwill. I read in Celebitchy that Julia Roberts shops for her kids there. Also, Will.I.Am.
Will.I.Am shops at Goodwill?
All the time. He's pretty stylish, too. He lives in the future.
Okay. Maybe. Do you think you could carry me over there? I'm feeling very frayed right now, like I might end up in a dumpster or something.
Sure. We can do this, together.