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The 12 rules to bathroom sex in NYC

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If you're looking to score at a bar in NYC without going home with someone, you basically have two options: 1) Erotic Photo Hunt, or 2) the bathroom (don't pretend you've never thought of it). And since NYC is home to the diviest dive bars and the swankiest table servicers, there’s a wide variety of loos to get lusty in.

So take it from the experts (read: an anonymous panel of New Yorkers who’ve hooked up everywhere from Gatsby’s to the Gansevoort), and check out their 12 rules to bathroom sex in NYC.

Rule #1: Avoid biergartens
Ingesting booze in 34oz steins will give pretty much everyone the bladder control of, um, someone with really poor bladder control. So sexing it up in the bathroom at a place where people have to pee every six minutes means that quickie will have to be really quick. Please don't look at that as a great excuse. Or do, it's your life.

Rule #2: Go lowbrow
Sure, fancy rooftop bars have sexy views. Know what else they have? Other sexy views. Know what else they have? Bathroom attendants. And unless you're looking to turn your two-way into a three-way that involves a LOT of Altoids and hand soap, that's probably not gonna work.

Rule #3: ... but not too lowbrow
Who cares about the STDs that girl you just met between Fireball shots may potentially be giving you, when the threat of a staph infection looms on every surface you touch? Unless the whole place has been freshly autoclaved, it’d be safer to lick the F train. Okay, kinda safer.

Rule #4: Be family-friendly
Andy* -- a 32yr-old consultant in Hell’s Kitchen -- says that while taking advantage of a Midtown washroom for something other than washing, he found out that family bathrooms 1) have locks, and 2) “the baby changing tables are way sturdier than you think”.

Rule #5: Leverage
A well-placed toilet paper dispenser or ample counter space is your best friend when screwing in public. But since a solo bathroom large enough to have the latter is harder to come by in NYC than a rent-controlled one-bedroom on Waverly, you’ll have to rely on upper-body strength to support your thrusts. Tip: if you absolutely must, most museums and hotel bathrooms are totally ideal for counter top coitus.

Rule #6: Consider the handicapped
Handicap bathrooms, hands-down, have the most legroom for bathroom boning. And, since NYC looks out for its disabled patrons (in bars -- just not, you know, in subway ramps), their bathroom facilities are everywhere. Bonus points for giving new meaning to the phrase “handicap railing”.  

Rule #7: Memberships have their privileges
Private clubs are ideal for their well-maintained and infrequently trafficked toilet set-ups (if not their smug sense of elitism!). Mark*, a FiDi resident and Harvard alumnus, admits that forking over $200,000 for tuition sucks less when one considers the “value-added experience” of utilizing the Midtown club’s mens room for frequent toilet trysts.

Rule #8: Use your resources
Everyone loves free stuff, and when hump-friendly places like Pianos offers a bowl of condoms to patrons, “it’s like an open invitation”, says 25yr-old Lauren*.

Rule #9: In the words of Kanye, keep your love locked down
It may sound obvious to choose a spot with a functioning door lock to bend someone over a sink, but in NYC, that’s easier said than done. Just give it a quick check before proceeding.

Rule #10: Crowd control 
Hitting up late-night spots means there’s less likely to be a queue of people within earshot. And in the event that even the after-hours joints don’t have an off-peak window, there’s always that 24-hour diner or K-Town BBQ place on the way home.

Rule #11: Consider your exit strategy
The most definitive bathroom sex testimonial goes to the pair who enthusiastically recommend Hotel Chantelle for public frolicking because, “The bathrooms are right by the door, so it always makes for the easiest getaway.”

Rule #12: Don’t play it (too) cool 
Chances are, even people five whiskeys deep will know what you just did, so staggering your bathroom walk-out with your partner's is basically futile. Walk the fine line between borderline exhibitionism and soliciting chest bumps and high-fives on your exit by using discretion based on the number of potential witnesses. And remember -- keep your head high, own it, and avoid eye contact at all costs.

Renata Sellitti doles out advice for dudes on her blog MissWingman.com. She dreams of one day living in a world where car selfies and using "YOLO" as your Tinder headline are banned. Follow her on Twitter.

*All names have been changed to protect anonymity.