... they're riding on a bicycle
Silence that bell, Johnny Tight-Shorts.
... they're not riding on a Citi Bike
Is "being late to stuff because that shade of blue is totally lame" on the list of things that you're most proud of?
... they're idling at a red light in an imported luxury convertible
Pull your seat-back out of the reclining position -- you just got passed by some dude on a Citi Bike.
... they eat local
Everybody eats local. Some people just choose to eat at their local McDonald's.
... they eat in Queens
You know where else has Indian food that's so much more authentic than Curry Hill? India.
... they're not a gentrifier
Are you one of 27 Russian Jews living underneath an ironing board on Orchard Street? If not, then you kind of are a gentrifier.
... they don’t hang out in Times Square
Do you really want to brag about being cooler than Ronald and Marjorie Mikulski from Branson, Missouri?
... they're European
"Americans are worse than Europeans because when they visit Europe they act like they’re better than Europeans, so I’m going to move to America and act like I’m better than Americans…" HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
... they're on a community board
You won’t be on that board much longer, old woman.
... they tattooed their face and hang out on St. Marks
If you're living outside of society, how come we can still see you?
... they have a minute to talk about the environment
Way to have more minutes than me, clipboard-carrying, global warming evangelist. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to get off this sidewalk before I get hypothermia.
... they're a doorman at some club
Yeah, yeah, you're just doing your job -- your job of telling people that they're too fat and ugly to live in New York.
... they're on the guest list at some club
Watching you smugly cut the line is the best cure for nightlife FOMO.