Photo credit: yeah, we Photoshopped that poster, it's fake
The cicadas are coming. Well, technically, they're already here, in the ground, and have been for 17 years. But any day now, they're going to be in the air, and in the trees, and ON YOUR FACE, AHHHHHHHH!!!!! It's enough to make up the script of a horror movie
But since those take at least a couple hours to write, we instead made a horror movie poster, pictured above. And then realized that all the news stories about cicadas had quotes that sounded like hilarious movie reviews. So we put those below for you to read aloud in a weirdly deep and foreboding voice, before you realize that ground is getting damn close to 64 degrees.
THE CRITICS ARE BUZZING!
"They're looking for just one thing: sex. And they've been waiting quite a long time."
"I only found one bug before I had to turn my attention to taking cover from the approaching storms."
-The Washington Post
"It sounds exactly like flying saucers"
"This army of bugs, known as Brood II, spends 17 years feeding ... we ain't seen nothing yet"
"The kids were shrieking in the playgrounds as cicadas divebombed them."
"A plague is upon us"
"Sex-Crazed Cicadas Will Soon Outnumber Humans 600-to-1"
-The Atlantic Wire
"Don’t come in there with some kind of bug spray or insect killer because you simply don’t have enough."